Claws of the Beast

[Thoughtjotter]

He had heard about the danger, had to see it for himself.
It could never happen to him, it was always someone else.
He began to play too close to the deep and dismal wood.
That small voice was screaming, the danger understood.

This warning is for all, who presume to know no fear.
Your soul will be burning, when the evil eyes are near.
Demons creep to greet you, hear their heinous sighs.
The beast may even whisper, "someones telling lies".

Not long ago they had their health, irrational but strong.
The horror in the mirror, proof, their audacity was wrong.
The beast has ripped their lives apart, hopeless situation.
Now they have nowhere to turn in their lonely desperation.

The mutilated bodies found, North, West, South and East.
METH-ODDS of self-destruction, of the Claws of the Beast.

Claws of the Beast edit #2

Are dangers ever real?
evil whispers passed along;
the doubt of nonbelievers,
now everyone is wrong
and evil becomes a myth.
a lie, the deceiver.

where does this beast reside?
words of denial passed along;
the third row, someone said,
where the choir sings their song,
"deliver us from this evil".
no saint in Meth's bed.

Why was there no warning?
words of truth passed along;
that reflection in the mirror,
the ravaged face did not belong.
a hopeless situation,
Grim Reaper drawing near.

Where was this beast last seen?
words of alarm passed along;
north,west, south and east
taking down weak and strong
with the claws of addiction.
mutilated bodies, for his feast.

[Blake]

He had heard about the danger, had to see it for himself.
It could never happen to him, it was always someone else.
He began to play too close to the deep and dismal wood.
That small voice was screaming, the danger understood.

This warning is for all, who presume to know no fear.
Your soul will be burning, when the evil eyes are near.
Demons creep to greet you, hear their heinous sighs.
The beast may even whisper, "someones telling lies".

Not long ago they had their health, irrational but strong.
The horror in the mirror, proof, their audacity was wrong.
The beast has ripped their lives apart, hopeless situation.
Now they have nowhere to turn in their lonely desperation.

^This line feels to be off a bit on rhythm. Could try:
Now they've no place to turn in their lonely desperation.

The mutilated bodies found, North, West, South and East.
METH-ODDS of self-destruction, of the Claws of the Beast.

I'm a little unclear on the CAPS here, are you trying to imply to the reader that the protagonist's methods are "odd"?

Besides those two line I bolded with comments, I think this is a brilliantly haunting poem and I think it has good potential.

[Erthona]

This appears to be written in accentual verse as there appears to be no consistent meter. It bounces between 6 and 7 foot lines.
L9,10,12 are 7 foot lines, the rest are 6 foot lines. It is generally advisable to stay with the same line length, as it causes a distraction to the reading to do otherwise.

He had heard about the danger, had to see it for himself. six feet

Not long ago they had their health, irrational but strong. seven feet

I won't point them out, but a number of your lines end with a stressed syllable, with the following line starting with a stressed syllable. This makes it difficult for the reader, and cause a distraction.

Yes, it's called speed cause it gets you there quicker...if you are speaking of death. although that only comes through with the last line. So...if you have to tell me what the poem is about in the last line in order for me to know, why did I read the poem. Either your poem needs to be clearer, or you need to drop the last two lines.

Dale

[ChristopherSea]

He had heard about the danger, had to see it for himself.
It could never happen to him, it was always someone else.
He began to play too close to the deep and dismal wood.
That small voice was screaming, the danger understood.

This warning is for all, who presume to know no fear.
Your soul will be burning, when the evil eyes are near.
Demons creep to greet you, hear their heinous sighs.
The beast may even whisper, "someones telling lies".

Not long ago they had their health, irrational but strong.
The horror in the mirror, proof, their audacity was wrong.
The beast has ripped their lives apart, hopeless situation.
Now they have nowhere to turn in their lonely desperation.

The mutilated bodies found, North, West, South and East.
METH-ODDS of self-destruction, of the Claws of the Beast.

It is certainly a good message that rings clear, I am just not sold by all of the dark gothic imagery. Perhaps it is oversold and comes off as more jargon. The first and last stanzas say most of it. A slower transition from the curiosity to the monstrosity of meth would be more effective. Nonetheless, this could scare some youths straight.

[kindofahippy]

Yes, it's called speed cause it gets you there quicker...if you are speaking of death. although that only comes through with the last line. So...if you have to tell me what the poem is about in the last line in order for me to know, why did I read the poem. Either your poem needs to be clearer, or you need to drop the last two lines.

Dale

Sir, may I respectfully disagree? A riddle-poem is worth reading. You guess the subject while it is hinted at, and the answer is revealed in the end. I find it perfect for unspeakable subjects, such as drugs, which this poem seems to be about.

I would write the last line as: Meth-heads methods of self-destruction: Claws of the Beast

[Erthona]

"Sir, may I respectfully disagree? A riddle-poem is worth reading. You guess the subject while it is hinted at, and the answer is revealed in the end. I find it perfect for unspeakable subjects, such as drugs, which this poem seems to be about."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I disagree back, nor do I think the writer needs someone with an easy out to save him from unclear writing. Riddle-poem is not even a word, but I will answer that anyway.

This is not a riddle-poem as it is not a riddle. A riddle has only one answer that works well, not multiple answers that work equally well. This could be a poem about cigarette smoking and getting cancer. This could be about "demon" rum. Basically any self-destructive behavior could be the answer to this poem. Anorexia comes to mind.

"The horror in the mirror, proof, their audacity was wrong."

It could be an enduro bike racer, looking at his broken body in a wheel chair. The earlier images could be the other motorcycles and how they paint them.

There are many answers that fit equally well if not better than methamphetamine. There is not a single thing you can point to in this poem (before the last two line) that is methamphetamine specific.

Plus, I don't think he meant it as a riddle poem. There is nothing to say he did. If a riddle-poem about methamphetamine, why did he not just write the answer at the end as

methamphetamine:

No, the last line reads as if he has no confidence in what he has written. "Claws of the Beast " is more specific to D&D than to speed. I went through 5 pages of search on "Claws of the Beast", which was all there was before it started giving answers related to the wording, not one answer connected it to speed.

Speak "friend" and enter. The answer "friend" in elvish (Lord of the rings - Fellowship of the Rings). One and only one answer. That's how riddles work. A "riddle-poem" is simply a riddle put to verse. It is still under the same restrictions.

Sorry, but making excuses for someone's poor writing only hurts them.

Dale

From dictionary.com

Riddle: a question or statement so framed as to exercise one's ingenuity in answering it or discovering its meaning; conundrum.

"meaning" singular.

[Thoughtjotter]

He had heard about the danger, had to see it for himself.
It could never happen to him, it was always someone else.
He began to play too close to the deep and dismal wood.
That small voice was screaming, the danger understood.

This warning is for all, who presume to know no fear.
Your soul will be burning, when the evil eyes are near.
Demons creep to greet you, hear their heinous sighs.
The beast may even whisper, "someones telling lies".

Not long ago they had their health, irrational but strong.
The horror in the mirror, proof, their audacity was wrong.
The beast has ripped their lives apart, hopeless situation.
Now they have nowhere to turn in their lonely desperation.

^This line feels to be off a bit on rhythm. Could try:
Now they've no place to turn in their lonely desperation.

The mutilated bodies found, North, West, South and East.
METH-ODDS of self-destruction, of the Claws of the Beast.

I'm a little unclear on the CAPS here, are you trying to imply to the reader that the protagonist's methods are "odd"?

Besides those two line I bolded with comments, I think this is a brilliantly haunting poem and I think it has good potential.

Thank you for taking time to read, even more for your comments.
I guess I was trying too hard to show how the claws (addiction) of the beast (meth) can easily rip anyone's life apart.

METH - (don't play the) ODDS, There are no winners, the ODDS are on self-destruction. I do need to learn how to be more clear.

Thanks again,
R.T.

[ChristopherSea]

He had heard about the danger, had to see it for himself.
It could never happen to him, it was always someone else.
He began to play too close to the deep and dismal wood.
That small voice was screaming, the danger understood.

This warning is for all, who presume to know no fear.
Your soul will be burning, when the evil eyes are near.
Demons creep to greet you, hear their heinous sighs.
The beast may even whisper, "someones telling lies".

Not long ago they had their health, irrational but strong.
The horror in the mirror, proof, their audacity was wrong.
The beast has ripped their lives apart, hopeless situation.
Now they have nowhere to turn in their lonely desperation.

^This line feels to be off a bit on rhythm. Could try:
Now they've no place to turn in their lonely desperation.

The mutilated bodies found, North, West, South and East.
METH-ODDS of self-destruction, of the Claws of the Beast.

I'm a little unclear on the CAPS here, are you trying to imply to the reader that the protagonist's methods are "odd"?

Besides those two line I bolded with comments, I think this is a brilliantly haunting poem and I think it has good potential.

Thank you for taking time to read, even more for your comments.
I guess I was trying too hard to show how the claws (addiction) of the beast (meth) can easily rip anyone's life apart.

METH - (don't play the) ODDS, There are no winners, the ODDS are on self-destruction. I do need to learn how to be more clear.

Thanks again,
R.T.

I thought the meth-odds was a clever play on words and revealed methamphetamine. The poem was not a riddle for me once that line was reached. You could put in in the title and set the stage right off:

Meth-odds are poor

or something like that.

[Thoughtjotter]

This appears to be written in accentual verse as there appears to be no consistent meter. It bounces between 6 and 7 foot lines.
L9,10,12 are 7 foot lines, the rest are 6 foot lines. It is generally advisable to stay with the same line length, as it causes a distraction to the reading to do otherwise.

He had heard about the danger, had to see it for himself. six feet

Not long ago they had their health, irrational but strong. seven feet

I won't point them out, but a number of your lines end with a stressed syllable, with the following line starting with a stressed syllable. This makes it difficult for the reader, and cause a distraction.

Yes, it's called speed cause it gets you there quicker...if you are speaking of death. although that only comes through with the last line. So...if you have to tell me what the poem is about in the last line in order for me to know, why did I read the poem. Either your poem needs to be clearer, or you need to drop the last two lines.

Dale

Thank you Dale, I truly do wish to learn to write it right. With your help and that of others I believe I can.
Before this site I had never even considered rhythm and meter, heard of it once or twice but that was about it. Now I am beginning (with your help) to understand the value and appreciation of getting it right. This may take some time as my learning skills resembles that of osmosis.
As for the 1st edit, "Would you believe?", the damn cat got on the keyboard and revised my revisions. (a good one for "The Pig's Arse") so I went on with the 2nd edit. If you wish I will retrieve the 1st as soon as the cat is available. In the mean time, here is the 2nd edit.

Are dangers ever real?
evil whispers passed along;
the doubt of nonbelievers,
now everyone is wrong
and evil becomes a myth.
a lie, the deceiver.

where does this beast reside?
words of denial passed along;
the third row, someone said,
where the choir sings their song,
"deliver us from this evil".
no saint in Meth's bed.

Why was there no warning?
words of truth passed along;
that reflection in the mirror,
the ravaged face did not belong.
a hopeless situation,
Grim Reaper drawing near.

Where was this beast last seen?
words of alarm passed along;
north,west, south and east
taking down weak and strong
with the claws of addiction.
mutilated bodies, for his feast.

[ellajam]

Hi tj, welcome. It's suggested that to make sure posters critique the current edit that you label it and place it above the original in your opening post (just hit edit on the OP).

You might also want to check out the practice threads, there are some great explanations of meter and form.

And yes, you have to be quick to avoid cat editing.

[Thoughtjotter]

He had heard about the danger, had to see it for himself.
It could never happen to him, it was always someone else.
He began to play too close to the deep and dismal wood.
That small voice was screaming, the danger understood.

This warning is for all, who presume to know no fear.
Your soul will be burning, when the evil eyes are near.
Demons creep to greet you, hear their heinous sighs.
The beast may even whisper, "someones telling lies".

Not long ago they had their health, irrational but strong.
The horror in the mirror, proof, their audacity was wrong.
The beast has ripped their lives apart, hopeless situation.
Now they have nowhere to turn in their lonely desperation.

The mutilated bodies found, North, West, South and East.
METH-ODDS of self-destruction, of the Claws of the Beast.

It is certainly a good message that rings clear, I am just not sold by all of the dark gothic imagery. Perhaps it is oversold and comes off as more jargon. The first and last stanzas say most of it. A slower transition from the curiosity to the monstrosity of meth would be more effective. Nonetheless, this could scare some youths straight.

Thank you for your time, knowledge and suggestions, I have much to learn and will all the help that I can get.
Here is the latest edit:

Are dangers ever real?
evil whispers passed along;
the doubt of nonbelievers,
now everyone is wrong
and evil becomes a myth.
a lie, the deceiver.

where does this beast reside?
words of denial passed along;
the third row, someone said,
where the choir sings their song,
"deliver us from this evil".
no saint in Meth's bed.

Why was there no warning?
words of truth passed along;
that reflection in the mirror,
the ravaged face did not belong.
a hopeless situation,
Grim Reaper drawing near.

Where was this beast last seen?
words of alarm passed along;
north,west, south and east
taking down weak and strong
with the claws of addiction.
mutilated bodies, for his feast.

Thanks again,
R.T.

[Erthona]

The meaning is clearer and more specific. There are still lines in each stanza that are off, too short or too long. Generally you have three foot lines, which is what I corrected for in this stanza.

original
"Where was this beast last seen?
words of alarm passed along;
north,west, south and east (northwest would be one word, or divided by a conjunction, for balance it should be "and".)
taking down weak and strong
with the claws of addiction.
mutilated bodies, for his feast. "

Possible corrections for line length.

Where was this beast last seen?
an alarm was passed along;
north, and south, west and east
taking weak or strong
clawed down by addiction (not a great solution)
broken bodies, for his feast.

For a pattern to emulate, the first line in this stanza is more or less in iambic trimeter. Although that would probably need to be a consideration for a different poem. Generally I would recommend a longer line, but this has a nice stalking feel to it. Others may dissent. Personally I believe the line pattern should fit and support the content of the poem, and not vice versa. I think imposing a form onto the poem (unless one is competent to do so) creates a sense of artificiality, thus making the form the focus rather than the content. I am not condoning ignoring learning the forms of formal poetry, but accentual verse (simply counting the stresses in the line) seems best for now as regards this poem.

Dale

[Thoughtjotter]

Hi tj, welcome. It's suggested that to make sure posters critique the current edit that you label it and place it above the original in your opening post (just hit edit on the OP).

You might also want to check out the practice threads, there are some great explanations of meter and form.

And yes, you have to be quick to avoid cat editing.

Hope I got the edit in the right place know and thanks. I have been doing a crash course on writing poetry correctly. This is a wonderful site to learn from, THANKS to all who have made it possible for me to possibly do the impossible.
Thanks again,
Robert

[Mopkins]

Are DAN/gers EV/er REAL?/ 3 feet
Evil/ WHISpers/ PASSED a/LONG; 4 feet
the DOUBT/ of NON/beLIEVE/rs,4 FEET
now EV/eryONE/ is WRONG3 FEET
and EV/il BE/comes a/ MYTH.4 FEET
a LIE,/ the de/CEIVer./ 3 feet

where DOES/ this BEAST/ reSIDE?/3 FEET
WORDS of/ DEni/al PASSED/ aLONG;4 FEET
the THIRD/ row, SOME/one SAID,/3 FEET
WHERE the/ CHOIR SINGS/ their SONG,/3 FEET
"deLIV/Er US/ FROM this/ EVil"/.4 FEET
no SAINT/in METH’s/ BED. 3 FEET

WHY was/ THERE no /WARNing?/ 3 FEET
WORDS of/ TRUTH PASSED/ aLONG;/ 3 FEET
THAT re/FLECTion / IN the/ MIRror,4 FEET
THE RAV/aged FACE/ did NOT/ beLONG.4FEET
a HOPE/less SIT/Ua/tion, 4feet
GRIM REAP/er DRAW/ing NEAR./ 3 FEET

WHERE was/ THIS BEAST/ last SEEN?/ 3 FEET
WORDS of/ aLARM /PASSED a/LONG; 4 FEET
NORTH, WEST/, SOUTH and/ EAST/ 3FEET
TAKing/ DOWN WEAK/ and STRONG/ 3 FEET
with the/ CLAWS of/ adDICT/ion. 4 FEET
MUTi/LATed/ BODies,/ FOR his/ FEAST. 5 FEET!

You have a mixture of iambs and trochees here – it makes it hard to read aloud in any kind of rhythm, which is what you want in a rhyming poem. I’m not sure if I’ve done the above correctly, I’m still a learner too, but it’s clear you’ve messed up your meter. Your lines are different lengths and that doesn’t help either. You start out rhyming the first verse abcbdc but fail to follow the pattern, which is distracting to a reader .
One thing that helps me is to first make sure all my lines are the same length by counting the syllables in each and trying to stick to a pattern. Once you have a syllable count in mind, it’s easier to write metrically. Hope that helps.

[Thoughtjotter]

The meaning is clearer and more specific. There are still lines in each stanza that are off, too short or too long. Generally you have three foot lines, which is what I corrected for in this stanza.

original
"Where was this beast last seen?
words of alarm passed along;
north,west, south and east (northwest would be one word, or divided by a conjunction, for balance it should be "and".)
taking down weak and strong
with the claws of addiction.
mutilated bodies, for his feast. "

Possible corrections for line length.

Where was this beast last seen?
an alarm was passed along;
north, and south, west and east
taking weak or strong
clawed down by addiction (not a great solution)
broken bodies, for his feast.

For a pattern to emulate, the first line in this stanza is more or less in iambic trimeter. Although that would probably need to be a consideration for a different poem. Generally I would recommend a longer line, but this has a nice stalking feel to it. Others may dissent. Personally I believe the line pattern should fit and support the content of the poem, and not vice versa. I think imposing a form onto the poem (unless one is competent to do so) creates a sense of artificiality, thus making the form the focus rather than the content. I am not condoning ignoring learning the forms of formal poetry, but accentual verse (simply counting the stresses in the line) seems best for now as regards this poem.

Dale

Thank you my Friend, with your (and others like you) solid no nonsense approach to teaching and developing this art. I am beginning to feel the possibility of beginning.
I will use the next few days working on your suggestions and studying the resources available on this site as well as those that are mentioned here. I have so many thoughts I wish to share. (with credibility) If for no other reason than the desire of self accomplishment.
Thanks again,
Robert
P.S. ---- the story of the revisionary cat was true.

[Thoughtjotter]

He had heard about the danger, had to see it for himself.
It could never happen to him, it was always someone else.
He began to play too close to the deep and dismal wood.
That small voice was screaming, the danger understood.

This warning is for all, who presume to know no fear.
Your soul will be burning, when the evil eyes are near.
Demons creep to greet you, hear their heinous sighs.
The beast may even whisper, "someones telling lies".

Not long ago they had their health, irrational but strong.
The horror in the mirror, proof, their audacity was wrong.
The beast has ripped their lives apart, hopeless situation.
Now they have nowhere to turn in their lonely desperation.

^This line feels to be off a bit on rhythm. Could try:
Now they've no place to turn in their lonely desperation.

The mutilated bodies found, North, West, South and East.
METH-ODDS of self-destruction, of the Claws of the Beast.

I'm a little unclear on the CAPS here, are you trying to imply to the reader that the protagonist's methods are "odd"?

Besides those two line I bolded with comments, I think this is a brilliantly haunting poem and I think it has good potential.

Blake, please forgive me for not responding to your encouraging comments sooner. It was not an intentional oversight, it was my lack of experience with this sort of communication. I pretty well mucked the whole process up on this attempt. I didn't put anything where it belonged and I still have a long way to go. I'm sure I'll have it figured out in another 8 or 9 years though.
You are right about the unbalanced Rhythm (did I say that right?).
I am also beginning to learn that trying to be clever with my writing will not work to well in poetry.

"Claws" (addiction) "Beast" (meth), I guess the CAPS. were my lame attempt to express myself forcibly. "METH - ODDS" / The odds are on self destruction when you play with the addiction of drugs like meth.
I'm sure that I had most everyone scratching their heads on that one.
Bare with me my friend, I've got a long way to go with this poetry stuff.
Thanks again,

R.T.