(City) Poem

[spencedude75]

1. 
Walking the City with
the sound off

and nothing in
my hands but the

cold. I
saw a friend in

the distance, but
never up close.

Detail is the enemy 
of familiarity and

the pizza greases
my lips.

2. 
Sitting in the back-row
of the theater

so the actors 
always look at

me. And speak to
me. And tell

me
'I love you.'

And mostly so
they look like

people I know.
And so

they
don't smell 

the pizza 
on my breath.

3.
If you looooooooook into the sun for looooooooooong enough, you begin to recognize everyone. But--please--take precautions: you really don't want to end up getting rained on.           That may make you smell bad.

4.
Meeting a friend at
Grand Central Sta-

tion. She nearly
walked past me;

She could smelly my
no-vel-ty but

'Good-bye' reminded
her of

my 
shape.

[Quicksilver]

Whoa, this is a really interesting style! I love how it's consistently in couplets like it is. However, I think there are a few places where it's working against you a bit? For instance, in 2, I like how "me" starts all of the lines in that sequence, but here:
"me. And speak to
me. And tell

me
'I love you.'"
It's so brief that it feels kind of arbitrary? It's a little distracting and choppy to have a one word line there. I loved the overall vibe of this piece, and you generally use the disjointed writing to great effect.

Another location is in 4. In my opinion, breaking up Grand Central Sta- -tion in two lines feels a bit needlessly choppy as well.

"no-vel-ty" I'm not sure why the word is broken up like this? It creates emphasis, but I feel like I'm missing something there, because I am confused as to what it should be emphasizing.

I like the fact that 3 is so different from the others. My only criticism there is the "may make you smell bad". I'm not sure what is being communicated here? Does rain make you smelly? I also am missing the meaning of looking into the sun for long enough you "recognize everyone". I'm not sure I get what is being dropped there either?

Overall this piece is so unique and I'm really interested in reading it and thinking on it. But there are some parts where I'm losing the thread of what the poem is saying and it makes me feel confused. Thank you for the piece!

Cheers,

Quicksilver

[carahmellow]

I think this poem is really interesting, and I like the unique form, but it feels like it could be more purposful because right now its confusing and not in a good way.

the loooooooook and looooooooong throws me off as well as the fact that this line isn't the same as the others. Is that supposed to mean or imply something? Some of the unecessary hyphens leave some questions as well. I don't mind vague/odd poetry, but sometimes it can completely disconnect the reader if there is nothing for us to hold on to.

I will say, I really loved #2 though. great imagery and idea.