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awake all night
Each day I find when I wake up
that I am one day older,
my strength it seems grows less and less,
and I seem much less bolder.
I’ve lost interest in pretty girls,
they do nothing for me.
I’d rather be upon a ship,
watching waves at sea.
All day long I want to sleep
and this I strive to fight,
yet at days end when darkness comes,
I stay awake all night.
–Erthona
©2014
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Hi Dale, the joys of getting older huh? Like the irony of fighting off sleep all day only to be awake all night - seems to be a common problem among the more senior of us. Neat little poem.
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How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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(05-03-2014, 05:07 AM)Erthona Wrote: awake all night
Each day I find when I wake up
that I am one day older, Unlesss you have a very good reason for this comma it should be a period.
my strength it seems grows less and less,
and I seem much less bolder. less is progressive diminutive whilst bolder is progressive superlative...so no change there, then
I’ve lost interest in pretty girls,...old age makes liars of us all...who said that?
they do nothing for me. Hmmm. I like the duality of this line and hope it is deliberate
I’d rather be upon a ship,
watching waves at sea. This is the nautical equivalent of watching paint dry...but why? There again, why not? Perhaps if you were to gently indicate that your character is an old sea dog...a bunk reference at the start, perhaps. There is a problem coming which this suggestion may help solve. See last line
All day long I want to sleep
and this I strive to fight,
yet at days end when darkness comes,
I stay awake all night. Hmmm. You do not sleep at night and yet each day you wake. Shome mishtake, shurely?
Whatho dale,
Another mock-depressive piece from you...between us we could start a movement but time is not on our side.
As a distillation of a long fermented summer wine, I keep thinking this is the last of it...but no. As long as we have ink in our pen is that it?(insert comma where required
Best,
tectak
–Erthona
©2014
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I drink, I piss...I breath, I write. I have as much control over one as the other.
"Another mock-depressive piece from you...between us we could start a movement but time is not on our side."
It is true I've heard, that the older you are the less the output, but it takes little to make a movement! 
Sorry didn't answer some of your questions. It says I awake in the day, it doesn't tell which part, it doesn't say I awake in the morning.
they do nothing for me. Hmmm. I like the duality of this line and hope it is deliberate: yes, nice of you to catch it.
"This is the nautical equivalent of watching paint dry...but why?" Old people often go on sea cruises.
elad
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while it's short, i'd say it longer than short 
i'm knocking on a bit and apart from the losing interest in pretty women i can feel ya. the boldened ship couple for me would work better as the last two lines of the poem though that would throw your rhyme scheme to shit.
an enjoyable read. apart from that i like it as is. thanks for the read.
(05-03-2014, 05:07 AM)Erthona Wrote: awake all night
Each day I find when I wake up
that I am one day older,
my strength it seems grows less and less,
and I seem much less bolder.
I’ve lost interest in pretty girls,
they do nothing for me.
I’d rather be upon a ship,
watching waves at sea.
All day long I want to sleep
and this I strive to fight,
yet at days end when darkness comes,
I stay awake all night.
–Erthona
©2014
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Thanks Billy. For me it is a short poem, but yeah, I guess it is a little long for a short poem. Maybe
Each day I find when I wake up
that I am one day older,
my strength it seems grows less and less,
and I seem much less bolder.
All day long I want to sleep
and this I strive to fight,
yet at days end when darkness comes,
I stay awake all night.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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Dale, This is a short form for you. You are aging poorly my friend when you lose your eye for pretty women. I think you could tie in the following lines better and smooth the transition:
I’d rather be upon a ship,
watching waves at sea.
All day long I want to sleep
You know, watching the waves until they lull you to sleep or something of that nature. See what you think.
It' a rather sad poem, therefore well done./Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
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"Dale, This is a short form for you." Yeah, generally I consider anything less that the length of a sonnet a short form poem.
"You know, watching the waves until they lull you to sleep or something of that nature. See what you think."
I understand what you are saying, but I don't see how to do that without ruining the ending. Plus I would need to add four more lines, unless I wanted to change the rhyme that is there.
This poem is less about me (I'm only 56-57 somewhere in there), than it is about older people I have observed who nod off a lot during the day. I have also thought about writing a poem around the idea that sleep and dreaming gives a respite from a life where you know things will only get worse (at least physically). Of course Leanne has already chided me about writing to many poems about old age and death...
Dale
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(05-05-2014, 08:33 AM)Erthona Wrote: I drink, I piss...I breath, I write. I have as much control over one as the other.
"Another mock-depressive piece from you...between us we could start a movement but time is not on our side."
It is true I've heard, that the older you are the less the output, but it takes little to make a movement!
Sorry didn't answer some of your questions. It says I awake in the day, it doesn't tell which part, it doesn't say I awake in the morning. No, but provided you only wake once I guess you are one day older per day...harumph....or is it one day older every time you wake up. If so, the solution is simple. Move to Australia.
they do nothing for me. Hmmm. I like the duality of this line and hope it is deliberate: yes, nice of you to catch it.
"This is the nautical equivalent of watching paint dry...but why?" Old people often go on sea cruises.
elad
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Short poem for Tom
Old people often go on sea cruises
to watch paint dry to the time of
the waves in the ocean they see
from the deck of their twenty
story tall ocean liner...better
that than a litter box liner!
dale
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The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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(05-06-2014, 03:49 AM)tectak Wrote: (05-05-2014, 08:33 AM)Erthona Wrote: I drink, I piss...I breath, I write. I have as much control over one as the other. Often all at the same time
"Another mock-depressive piece from you...between us we could start a movement but time is not on our side."
It is true I've heard, that the older you are the less the output, but it takes little to make a movement!
Sorry didn't answer some of your questions. It says I awake in the day, it doesn't tell which part, it doesn't say I awake in the morning. No, but provided you only wake once I guess you are one day older per day...harumph....or is it one day older every time you wake up. If so, the solution is simple. Move to Australia.
they do nothing for me. Hmmm. I like the duality of this line and hope it is deliberate: yes, nice of you to catch it.
"This is the nautical equivalent of watching paint dry...but why?" Old people often go on sea cruises.
elad
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"No, but provided you only wake once I guess you are one day older per day...harumph....or is it one day older every time you wake up. If so, the solution is simple. Move to Australia."
No thank you. There are too many things that want to kill you there. There are some in Texas also, but I am used to them, and Australia has many more. To me it is totally bizarre; beautiful beaches you can't use because of salt water alligators and killer jellyfish you can't see. I like Aussies and have great respect for their country, but live there...no thanks!
Dale
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(05-03-2014, 05:07 AM)Erthona Wrote: awake all night
Ok, lets see here...
Each day I find when I wake up -- I don't think you need I find as that information is implied.
that I am one day older,-- I think this can be expressed in fewer words.
my strength it seems grows less and less-, I would get rid of the extra less as it is redundant
and I seem much less bolder.
I’ve lost interest in pretty girls,
they do nothing for me. ---This line is saying what you said in the last line maybe you could combine the two. "they do nothing for me" is a stronger sentiment.
I’d rather be upon a ship,
watching waves at sea. -- I'd get rid of some of the redundant info here as well. If your on a ship watching waves you're either in a large body of water or at sea.
All day long I want to sleep
and this I strive to fight, -- All day long I fight off sleep?
yet at days end when darkness comes,
I stay awake all night. -- Again some redundancy.
–Erthona
©2014 I believe this poem needs to be made more dense and I think this can be accomplished by adding more specific imagery and clipping some of the redundancy. 
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Thanks Brownlie, I didn't see you had commented on this. Thanks for your input. Several people have jumped on the ship at sea lines. I think the pretty girls lines has a nice satiric jab, but I will consider your other suggestion.
Thanks for your time and comments,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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