Diesel

[bbcashdollar]

I originally posted this 4-5 years ago. I’ve worked on it since then. Here’s an update:

Diesel

by ship they came
Italy to Lovejoy
breathe in
the fuel of work

rounding the corner
William to Bailey,
the sweet heavy cloud
of hauling

wheel spins center
Iron Island to Route 62
clutch, shift, release,
accelerate

motors rumble like grampa
South Buffalo to Lackawanna  
before the steel mill
heart attack took him

moving product to market
reminded of the open road
carrying me and once exotic fruit
to port and home


—————
Italy to Lovejoy
breathe in;
fuel of work

rounding the corner
William to Bailey,
the sweet heavy cloud
of hauling

motors rumble like grampa
South Buffalo to Lackawanna 
before the steel-mill
heart-attack took him

moving product to market
Nakuru, Nairobi to Mombasa
carrying me and once exotic fruit
to port and home

wheel spins center
Iron Island to East Aurora,
accelerate

--------------------
Italy to Lovejoy
breathe in
fuel of work

rounding corner
William to Bailey
sweet heavy cloud
of hauling

motors rumble like grampa
South Buffalo to Lackawanna 
before steel mill
heart-attack took him

moving product to market
Nakuru, Nairobi to Mombasa
carrying me and once exotic fruit
to port and home

wheel spins center
Iron Island to East Aurora
accelerate


------------
[/color]
breath in
fuel of work
rounding corner
William to Bailey
sweet heavy cloud
of hauling

Palermo to New York
Lackawanna to South Buffalo
Nakuru to Nairobi to Mombasa
Tibas to Los Yoses
Iron Island to East Aurora

motors rumble like grampa
before steel mill
heart-attack took him

moving product to market
carrying me and once exotic fruit
to port and home again

complete turn
wheel spins center
accelerate

[Markworth]

Some really nice sentimentality in here. I enjoyed it, but now I have the song "I've been everywhere" stuck in my head.

[bbcashdollar]

Some really nice sentimentality in here. I enjoyed it, but now I have the song "I've been everywhere" stuck in my head.

You could do worse than Johnny Cash.; )

[newsclippings]

breath in
fuel of work
rounding corner
William to Bailey
sweet heavy cloud
of hauling

Palermo to New York
Lackawanna to South Buffalo
Nakuru to Nairobi to Mombasa
Tibas to Los Yoses
Iron Island to East Aurora

motors rumble like grampa
before steel mill
heart-attack took him

moving product to market
carrying me and once exotic fruit
to port and home again

complete turn
wheel spins center
accelerate

This looks like a large smattering of words you decided sound nice together. The first, second, and last stanza could potentially be removed.

I like that there are no accidental errors, though punctuation could help this piece. Thanks for the read.

[RSaba]

I liked this, but I felt that the second stanza was unnecessary. However, since you have "William to Bailey" in the first stanza, perhaps you could have incorporated one line from the second stanza into each of the other stanzas, instead of having the second stanza as itself. That would give the piece more shape.
Nice write!

[ChristopherSea]

Hello bb, I like the 16-wheeling theme. There may be too much brevity of language herein. It's almost like an exercise in avoiding all articles and minimizing verbs. The list of cities stanza might be more interesting as an array of landmarks. Weaving in grandpa gave it a personal nostalgic feel, albeit bittersweet. That stanza and the penultimate one were may favorites. Elaboration of the cargo varieties would be intriguing. Good luck with your next edit. Welcome to the site./Chris

[bbcashdollar]

I liked this, but I felt that the second stanza was unnecessary. However, since you have "William to Bailey" in the first stanza, perhaps you could have incorporated one line from the second stanza into each of the other stanzas, instead of having the second stanza as itself. That would give the piece more shape.
Nice write!

Thank you very helpful.

---

Hello bb, I like the 16-wheeling theme. There may be too much brevity of language herein. It's almost like an exercise in avoiding all articles and minimizing verbs. The list of cities stanza might be more interesting as an array of landmarks. Weaving in grandpa gave it a personal nostalgic feel, albeit bittersweet. That stanza and the penultimate one were may favorites. Elaboration of the cargo varieties would be intriguing. Good luck with your next edit. Welcome to the site./Chris

Chris thanks for the thoughtful comments. It's always a bit of challenge to distill something without going too far. I incorporated a previous commentor's suggestion, hopefully it improves sufficiently. Let me know if you still think it's too sparse.

[ChristopherSea]

I liked this, but I felt that the second stanza was unnecessary. However, since you have "William to Bailey" in the first stanza, perhaps you could have incorporated one line from the second stanza into each of the other stanzas, instead of having the second stanza as itself. That would give the piece more shape.
Nice write!

Thank you very helpful.

---

Hello bb, I like the 16-wheeling theme. There may be too much brevity of language herein. It's almost like an exercise in avoiding all articles and minimizing verbs. The list of cities stanza might be more interesting as an array of landmarks. Weaving in grandpa gave it a personal nostalgic feel, albeit bittersweet. That stanza and the penultimate one were may favorites. Elaboration of the cargo varieties would be intriguing. Good luck with your next edit. Welcome to the site./Chris

Chris thanks for the thoughtful comments. It's always a bit of challenge to distill something without going too far. I incorporated a previous commentor's suggestion, hopefully it improves sufficiently. Let me know if you still think it's too sparse.

Well, you have to be the one to properly distill the advice as well. I like the second edit more, especially the way you reworked in those locales. I think you want 'breathe' and not 'breath'. I missed it the first time round. This might seem trivial, but isn't there a more intriguing street corner. You have a chance to work in a clever metaphor (e.g., the corner of Heaven and Hell, you know what I mean...).

[bbcashdollar]

I liked this, but I felt that the second stanza was unnecessary. However, since you have "William to Bailey" in the first stanza, perhaps you could have incorporated one line from the second stanza into each of the other stanzas, instead of having the second stanza as itself. That would give the piece more shape.
Nice write!

Thank you very helpful.

---

Hello bb, I like the 16-wheeling theme. There may be too much brevity of language herein. It's almost like an exercise in avoiding all articles and minimizing verbs. The list of cities stanza might be more interesting as an array of landmarks. Weaving in grandpa gave it a personal nostalgic feel, albeit bittersweet. That stanza and the penultimate one were may favorites. Elaboration of the cargo varieties would be intriguing. Good luck with your next edit. Welcome to the site./Chris

Chris thanks for the thoughtful comments. It's always a bit of challenge to distill something without going too far. I incorporated a previous commentor's suggestion, hopefully it improves sufficiently. Let me know if you still think it's too sparse.

Well, you have to be the one to properly distill the advice as well. I like the second edit more, especially the way you reworked in those locales. I think you want 'breathe' and not 'breath'. I missed it the first time round. This might seem trivial, but isn't there a more intriguing street corner. You have a chance to work in a clever metaphor (e.g., the corner of Heaven and Hell, you know what I mean...).

I did mean breathe, thank you. I will give the intersection some thought. I wanted the corner to be ordinary, working class, like the Lovejoy neighborhood, the steel mill, and the fuel. Thanks for the suggestions.

[Erthona]

Still could use some articles.

Italy to Lovejoy
breathe in (the)
fuel of work

might as well be "Hulk Smash" without articles.

Look at Sandberg's poem "Fog"

"THE fog comes
on little cat feet.

It sits looking
over harbor and city
on silent haunches
and then moves on."

Dale

[bbcashdollar]

Still could use some articles.

Italy to Lovejoy
breathe in (the)
fuel of work

might as well be "Hulk Smash" without articles.

Look at Sandberg's poem "Fog"

"THE fog comes
on little cat feet.

It sits looking
over harbor and city
on silent hauncheso
and then moves on."

Dale

Thanks everyone for all the input. Even though my inner Lou Ferringo hates it passionately, I added a couple of articles and a smattering of punctuation.

[RSaba]

I like the edit! It reads smoother and the images are stronger.

[poe]

Hi bb, I liked your poem and I liked RSabas suggestion of breaking up stanza 2 amongst the remaining ones. Plus , I added an article as per Erthona's advice. I've never done anything like this before so take it as a compliment. As we say:, "If it don't apply, let it fly." Also, I really liked the word alliteration of Aurora with accelerate for your closer in the original, "Diesel".



breath in
fuel of work
rounding(the) corner
William to Bailey
sweet heavy cloud
of hauling


Nakuru to Nairobi to Mombasa
motors rumble like grampa
before steel mill(s)
heart-attack took him

moving product to market
Lackawanna to South Buffalo
carrying me and once exotic fruit
to port and home again

complete turn
wheel spins center
Iron Island to East Aurora
accelerate

This looks like a large smattering of words you decided sound nice together. The first, second, and last stanza could potentially be removed.

I like that there are no accidental errors, though punctuation could help this piece. Thanks for the read.

[bbcashdollar]

Hi bb, I liked your poem and I liked RSabas suggestion of breaking up stanza 2 amongst the remaining ones. Plus , I added an article as per Erthona's advice. I've never done anything like this before so take it as a compliment. As we say:, "If it don't apply, let it fly." Also, I really liked the word alliteration of Aurora with accelerate for your closer in the original, "Diesel".



breath in
fuel of work
rounding(the) corner
William to Bailey
sweet heavy cloud
of hauling


Nakuru to Nairobi to Mombasa
motors rumble like grampa
before steel mill(s)
heart-attack took him

moving product to market
Lackawanna to South Buffalo
carrying me and once exotic fruit
to port and home again

complete turn
wheel spins center
Iron Island to East Aurora
accelerate

This looks like a large smattering of words you decided sound nice together. The first, second, and last stanza could potentially be removed.

I like that there are no accidental errors, though punctuation could help this piece. Thanks for the read.

Thanks Tony refer to to top of the thread for the current revision.
I did include a couple of articles per the suggestions. Glad you liked it.