Posts: 417
Threads: 40
Joined: May 2014
Edit 2
Sense Ending
Inhale
Air
Wet. Cool. Still.
Scratch
Stone
Hard. Cruel. Real.
Grasp
Steel
Rust. Cage. Seal.
Taste
Fate
Last. Culled. Meal.
Know
Death
See. Truth. Kneel.
edit 1
Inhale
air.
Wet. Cool. Still.
Scratch
skin.
Hard. Cracked. Pale.
Grasp
steel.
Rust. Cringe. Seal.
Taste
fate.
Last. Culled. Meal.
Know
death.
See. Truth. Kneel.
Original
Inhale
Air
Wet. Cool. Still.
Scratch
Stone
Hard. Cruel. Real.
Grasp
Steel
Rust. Cage. Shrill.
Taste
Fate
Last. Cold. Meal.
Know
Death
See. Truth. Kneel.
Posts: 751
Threads: 409
Joined: May 2014
I really like this. It's very tight structurally and took me a few reads to think of any suggestions. If the piece was meant to be as strict as I think, then the first word that jumps out at me is "cage". I think because it is the first noun to appear in any of the 3 word lines. It leads "meal" in the next thought sounding a little forced, even if the content is fantastic. I would do my best to avoid nouns beyond Air, Stone, Steel, Fate, Death, all of which are exactly where they should be. Nice job.
Expressthefeelin
Unregistered
I love the simplistic open endedness of each part. It's like a set of different events in each.
Posts: 417
Threads: 40
Joined: May 2014
Thank you, i will consider your edit.
The capitalization is mainly function of autocorrect.
Posts: 1,827
Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
This is imagist poetry in the purest sense, circa 1917 CE, except for the word "truth" which might be replaced by fact. Instead of:
"Fate
last cold meal"
"Final
cold meal"
That's of course if you want it to be an imagist poem. Personally I'm not a fan of the style. And it is true you break out of the purely objective (if there even is such a thing) at the end and demand recognition of something that is common to all, but also subjective; the realization that death has come. A truth we give lip service to, yet really do not believe. There is much philosophy/mysticism that talks of living with an awareness of death, but I have always found that to be disingenuous. Anything that we are aware of coming in time, we anticipate, and how can one live life anticipating death? Regardless, the sparsity does little for me despite the semi form with the end rhyme tying it together. To me, the space is the only saving grace, if it is removed, what does one have?
Air: wet, cool, still
Stone: hard, cruel, real
Steel: rust, cage, shrill
Fate: last cold meal
Death: see truth, kneel
Seems more a laundry list. At least two of the rhymes seem forced. The first two items have a heading, and qualities of the heading follow. Take the second: "Stone: hard, cruel, real" Yes, Stone is hard, cruel, and real. However you break the pattern with the next item: Steel. Steel is not "shrill". This causes the reader to wonder, what do these first two items have to do with the rest. Air is everywhere, so is rock, what do these things have to do with what follows;what is the connection? If, as one assumes this is about a prisoner on death row, right before he dies. Yet Air is everywhere and prisons are no longer made of stone, neither do inmates break rocks in chain gangs. I could go on I suppose. His fate is death, not a meal, and usually the meal is a good one, and not cold unless so ordered by the prisoner. And the last, kneel? Is he going to be beheaded? SO what on the surface looks like a clever piece, simply falls apart upon closer examination. It does not fall apart when compared to some external standard, it falls apart through it's own internal contradictions.
I would guess that there was some inspiration involved, as I can see some of it's sprinkle here and there, but this poem was written as a young man makes love, quickly and carelessly, and with little thought to the outcome, only that there is one.
I think there is a legitimate poem buried underneath this scarcity of words, but it seems to me that looking death in the eye as the ax falls needs more care, and deserves more words. Give me Death in something more than a mankini! To be or knot. Aye, there's the rub! Tomorrow we shall be grave men, yes, grave men all!
Best,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 417
Threads: 40
Joined: May 2014
Thank you. I will try to improve my word choice. I agree there are some contradictions.
Finally, I liked your analogy to making love.
He is kneeling after death.
Also, i people say "rhymes sound forced"
What does that mean?
Posts: 417
Threads: 40
Joined: May 2014
This is my first edit... I think it lost some of the crispness.
Inhale
air.
Wet. Cool. Still.
Scratch
skin.
Hard. Cracked. Pale.
Grasp
steel.
Rust. Cringe. Seal.
Taste
fate.
Last. Culled. Meal.
Know
death.
See. Truth. Kneel.
I know the periods appear to be there for no reason, but commas look so terrible and i dont think speak to the finality of the matter.
Posts: 1,827
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Joined: Dec 2016
"Forced rhyme" is a bit of a misnomer. Technically (see academically) it means what most people call an off rhyme "one" "thumb", however in common usage "forced rhyme" means exactly as it sounds. The writer "forced" a rhyme". The writer does so by using a word that ordinarily would not appear at the end of a line except solely because, or nearly solely due to the need to t=have that word rhyme with another (which of course depends on the rhyme scheme).
Example:
Mary had a little lamb,
although dumb it said "I am".
How can a lamb speak that is dumb?
Don't ask me, go suck your thumb.
The forced rhyme is the word "thumb" because it is thrown in ad hoc; it adds nothing to the verse. Now if instead of thumb, it said go ask your mum, that would almost be a forced rhyme, because one's mother would not know either, but as she is generally seen as a repository of knowledge (for little kids), it might make some sense to make that suggestion.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 417
Threads: 40
Joined: May 2014
Ok, thank you for explaining that to me.
olive_morphia
Unregistered
Interesting piece. Very original, which is good. I have mixed feelings about the style, but that is just a personal thing and nothing to do with your actual work.
I might suggest combining the words in the non-punctuated stanzas to form one line. For example, "Inhale air", "Scratch stone", etc. Because right now it is kind of just a collection of words that you put together - which, I suspect, was your intent, but it's very cold and detached. I find myself craving something to hold onto, which this doesn't offer. Why is the last meal cold?
(05-27-2014, 10:32 AM)Qdeathstar Wrote: Inhale
Air
Wet. Cool. Still.
Scratch
Stone
Hard. Cruel. Real.
Grasp
Steel
Rust. Cage. Shrill.
Taste
Fate
Last. Cold. Meal.
Know
Death
See. Truth. Kneel.
Posts: 222
Threads: 12
Joined: Apr 2014
Hi Q: like and see the message; but the form, for me, is too choppy; although I must admit, am not a minimalist. Loretta
Posts: 417
Threads: 40
Joined: May 2014
Made an edit to fix the problems with shrill steel and the last cold meal. I also updated the title.
Posts: 222
Threads: 12
Joined: Apr 2014
(05-27-2014, 10:32 AM)Qdeathstar Wrote: Edit 2
Sense Ending
Inhale
Air
Wet. Cool. Still.
Scratch
Stone
Hard. Cruel. Real.
Grasp
Steel
Rust. Cage. Seal.
Taste
Fate
Last. Culled. Meal.
Know
Death
See. Truth. Kneel.
edit 1
Inhale
air.
Wet. Cool. Still.
Scratch
skin.
Hard. Cracked. Pale.
Grasp
steel.
Rust. Cringe. Seal.
Taste
fate.
Last. Culled. Meal.
Know
death.
See. Truth. Kneel.
Original
Inhale
Air
Wet. Cool. Still.
Scratch
Stone
Hard. Cruel. Real.
Grasp
Steel
Rust. Cage. Shrill.
Taste
Fate
Last. Cold. Meal.
Know
Death
See. Truth. Kneel.
(06-04-2014, 11:23 AM)LorettaYoung Wrote: (05-27-2014, 10:32 AM)Qdeathstar Wrote: Edit 2
Sense Ending
Inhale
Air
Wet. Cool. Still.
Scratch
Stone
Hard. Cruel. Real.
Grasp
Steel
Rust. Cage. Seal.
Taste
Fate
Last. Culled. Meal.
Know
Death
See. Truth. Kneel.
edit 1
Inhale
air.
Wet. Cool. Still.
Scratch
skin.
Hard. Cracked. Pale.
Grasp
steel.
Rust. Cringe. Seal.
Taste
fate.
Last. Culled. Meal.
Know
death.
See. Truth. Kneel.
Original
Inhale
Air
Wet. Cool. Still.
Scratch
Stone
Hard. Cruel. Real.
Grasp
Steel
Rust. Cage. Shrill.
Taste
Fate
Last. Cold. Meal.
Know
Death
See. Truth. Kneel.
Hi Q: like the 2nd edit. At first the minimalism of it overwhelmed it but now it is quick and easy and flows to the mouth of the river. Best, Loretta
Posts: 31
Threads: 8
Joined: Jun 2014
I like this. Makes me think of a prisoner accepting his fate on death row.
Describing the air as "Wet. Cool. Still" really sets the scene. A quiet, cool morning. Sets the rest of the poem up nicely.
"Grasp steel" also is a nice way of showing the last moments of hope for your narrator before they accept their fate.
This isn't the type of poem I typically care for, but your word choice is spot on and you tell a good story. Nice work.
I write what I see. Write to make it right, don't like where I be. I'd like to make it like the sights on TV. Quite the great life, so nice and easy.
just mercedes
Unregistered
Pared down to the essential, these images ring out like a bell tolling - very funereal feeling, and as in a list poem they all add together to their cumulative effect of doom. The last thoughts of a condemned prisoner would, I imagine, be taken up by the actual physical elements of the present world.
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