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Threads: 57
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final
Tectonics
Their continents obliquely drifted apart He stuck with
as she opted for the vegan lifestyle, proven indulgences,
absurd yoga positions and other like bacon cheese burgers
whims of new age abstinence. weightlifting and vintage porn.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Dale/Marcella edit 1 Thank you
Tectonics
Their continents obliquely drifted apart He stuck with
as she opted for the vegan lifestyle, proven indulgences,
absurd yoga positions and other like bacon cheese burgers
whims of new age abstinence. weightlifting and vintage porn.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tec tonics
Their continents obliquely drifted apart He stuck to
as she strived for a life of veganism, proven indulgences,
absurd yoga positions and other like bacon cheese burgers
fads of new age abstinence. weightlifting and vintage porn.
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
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Hi Chris,
Believe it or not, I've tried this sort of split thing before. Yours worked out better. I like the idea of the oblique split, rather than the horizontal.
I think I would leave out the Tec-----tonics, as that is illustrated by the visual word placement.
To me this second line seems awkward:
"as she strived for a life of veganism,"
maybe:
"while she strove for the life of a vegan,"
It just seems to fit in with what follows better, and with his part.
while she strove for the life of a vegan /He stuck to proven indulgences,
as opposed to:
as she strived for a life of veganism,/He stuck to proven indulgences,
Can't say I like the term "fads", "fad" OK, "fads" just seems awkward. I like "affectations" but that is too long, possibly "whims".
Regardless, a good idea and good executions, with a few exceptions (according to me...that's as close as you'll get me to say "in my opinion"). 
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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Oh, I really like this, the formatting is so much more than a gimmick. I like italics as a divider in addition to the layout and it certainly suits the subject. I can hear the rift like screeching on a blackboard, both sides are funny but add up to a sad whole.
Strived sounds wrong, strove or something else?
The only other thing is I would like for him to be tec and her to be tonic, but I guess that would pretty well wreck it. 
Thanks for the read, sweet.
(05-28-2014, 12:53 AM)ChristopherSea Wrote: Tec tonics
Their continents obliquely drifted apart He stuck to
as she strived for a life of veganism, proven indulgences,
absurd yoga positions and other like bacon cheese burgers
fads of new age abstinence. weightlifting and vintage porn.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
Posts: 845
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Joined: Aug 2013
(05-28-2014, 01:47 AM)Erthona Wrote: Hi Chris,
Believe it or not, I've tried this sort of split thing before. Yours worked out better. I like the idea of the oblique split, rather than the horizontal.
I think I would leave out the Tec-----tonics, as that is illustrated by the visual word placement.
To me this second line seems awkward:
"as she strived for a life of veganism,"
maybe:
"while she strove for the life of a vegan,"
It just seems to fit in with what follows better, and with his part.
while she strove for the life of a vegan /He stuck to proven indulgences,
as opposed to:
as she strived for a life of veganism,/He stuck to proven indulgences,
Can't say I like the term "fads", "fad" OK, "fads" just seems awkward. I like "affectations" but that is too long, possibly "whims".
Regardless, a good idea and good executions, with a few exceptions (according to me...that's as close as you'll get me to say "in my opinion").
Dale
Thanks Dale. Yes, I thought that the diagonal slippage might suggest a more gradual drift with some clinging on before total scission. Vegan lifestyle may fit in that line. I shall play with it. Fad implies a possible transient nature to her lifestyle choices. I had tried whims, but I thought that would imply more untested trials. I'll look over the two again. Some good ideas to roll with, if I can find the elbow room. Cheers
(05-28-2014, 02:40 AM)ellajam Wrote: Oh, I really like this, the formatting is so much more than a gimmick. I like italics as a divider in addition to the layout and it certainly suits the subject. I can hear the rift like screeching on a blackboard, both sides are funny but add up to a sad whole.
Strived sounds wrong, strove or something else?
The only other thing is I would like for him to be tec and her to be tonic, but I guess that would pretty well wreck it.
Thanks for the read, sweet.
(05-28-2014, 12:53 AM)ChristopherSea Wrote: Tec tonics
Their continents obliquely drifted apart He stuck to
as she strived for a life of veganism, proven indulgences,
absurd yoga positions and other like bacon cheese burgers
fads of new age abstinence. weightlifting and vintage porn.
That formatting was a bitch on this site! Nonetheless, I am glad it works for you. I see what you mean with 'tech' being more masculine and 'tonics' feminine. Strove may sound better. I believe strived is past tense and strove past participle.  I need to look those up.  I can look for another word as well. Thanks so much.
Dale/Marcella edit 1 posted and it does look better. I used bold to further 'masculate' the right half.
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
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This reminds me of a Simon Armitage poem, "You're Beautiful", about a beautiful woman who doesn't eat meat, is lucky and sunny and everything nice, and an ugly bloke (the narrator) who eats meat, gets drunk etc. I've not heard of this poetic form before. I normally dislike "shape" poetry, but what I've seen here is interesting. You make the visual aesthetic work through your contrasting characterisations, which are peopled with sharp, funny phrasing. Thank you for the read
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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(05-28-2014, 12:53 AM)ChristopherSea Wrote: final
Tectonics
Their continents obliquely drifted apart He stuck with
as she opted for the vegan lifestyle, proven indulgences,
absurd yoga positions and other like bacon cheese burgers
whims of new age abstinence. weightlifting and vintage porn.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Dale/Marcella edit 1 Thank you
Tectonics
Their continents obliquely drifted apart He stuck with
as she opted for the vegan lifestyle, proven indulgences,
absurd yoga positions and other like bacon cheese burgers
whims of new age abstinence. weightlifting and vintage porn.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tec tonics
Their continents obliquely drifted apart He stuck to
as she strived for a life of veganism, proven indulgences,
absurd yoga positions and other like bacon cheese burgers
fads of new age abstinence. weightlifting and vintage porn.
Hi, this innovative form is such a treat, I think the form is devastating combined with the subject and the wording right on. Enjoyable and instructive. Loretta
Posts: 845
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(06-04-2014, 06:40 AM)Heslopian Wrote: This reminds me of a Simon Armitage poem, "You're Beautiful", about a beautiful woman who doesn't eat meat, is lucky and sunny and everything nice, and an ugly bloke (the narrator) who eats meat, gets drunk etc. I've not heard of this poetic form before. I normally dislike "shape" poetry, but what I've seen here is interesting. You make the visual aesthetic work through your contrasting characterisations, which are peopled with sharp, funny phrasing. Thank you for the read
Thanks Jack, I am glad this was effective for you. I will check out that Armitage poem. The first concrete poem that I ever read was 'Bomb' by Gregory Corso. It was a rather huge and ugly mushroom cloud, but a classic beat poem. I like concrete poetry when you can pull it off. I posted a cat one on this site entitled Feline. Currently, I am working on one shaped like a violin about belly dancing as a gift for my wife. Cheers/Chris
(06-04-2014, 09:23 AM)LorettaYoung Wrote: (05-28-2014, 12:53 AM)ChristopherSea Wrote: final
Tectonics
Their continents obliquely drifted apart He stuck with
as she opted for the vegan lifestyle, proven indulgences,
absurd yoga positions and other like bacon cheese burgers
whims of new age abstinence. weightlifting and vintage porn.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Dale/Marcella edit 1 Thank you
Tectonics
Their continents obliquely drifted apart He stuck with
as she opted for the vegan lifestyle, proven indulgences,
absurd yoga positions and other like bacon cheese burgers
whims of new age abstinence. weightlifting and vintage porn.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tec tonics
Their continents obliquely drifted apart He stuck to
as she strived for a life of veganism, proven indulgences,
absurd yoga positions and other like bacon cheese burgers
fads of new age abstinence. weightlifting and vintage porn.
Hi, this innovative form is such a treat, I think the form is devastating combined with the subject and the wording right on. Enjoyable and instructive. Loretta
Well, thank you very much for stopping by to read this one and sharing your impressions Loretta. I have another concrete poem on site entitled Feline: http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=12505 Cheers/Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
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