Drifting Away

[FutureProof]

Hi all,

Here's a poem I just created that depicts how I've been feeling about life lately. It's definitely a melancholy piece, so apologies if anyone feels depressed after reading it. It encapsulates some things that have happened in my family over the past year, as well as my ongoing challenge of figuring out my calling in life. Anyway, please critique as you like. Thanks for reading:

Drifting

So many disparate pieces
Once a part of a beautiful puzzle
Floating further and further away
Each in their own tormented orbits
Memories of a past that seems cruelly happy
Drifting further away
Objects in mirror are farther than they appear
Nurturing new bonds is my medication
Without these, life would be meaningless
And yet, the pain still lingers
The memories of warmth and joy
A familial bond seemingly untouchable
Broken, shattered, flushed away
Never to return, never to breathe again
Drifting further away
Feelings of being trapped in chains
The weight is unforgiving
What once seemed so clear has rendered itself hazy
A blindness of the future, a distaste of the present
Like a useless compass, whizzing around in circles
Never to land on one direction
Always searching for the true answer
A cosmic exploration of life's meanings, pains, and more
Forever drifting, further and further away

[QDeathstar]

Drifting

So many disparate pieces
Once a part of a beautiful puzzle you don't need two a's here, they seem to hurt the rhythm
Floating further and further away this kind of repetition is boring, can you be more further than further?
Each in their own tormented orbits what are they orbiting?
Memories of a past that seems cruelly happy maybe describe the memories and show how they are "cruelly happy" rather than telling us in dull language
Drifting further away
Objects in mirror are farther than they appear wait. Are we in a car or in space? Do cars have orbits?
Nurturing new bonds is my medication
Without these, life would be meaningless
And yet, the pain still lingers
The memories of warmth and joy
A familial bond seemingly untouchable
Broken, shattered, flushed away
Never to return, never to breathe again ok, we get it, your beating a dead horse
Drifting further away i guess this is a refrain, but you've used away twice in three lines. I would edit the prior line
Feelings of being trapped in chains. cliche, and your beating a dead horse. Say what you need to say, make your peace, and move on. Its like you are slowing ripping my eyes out.
The weight is unforgiving
What once seemed so clear has rendered itself hazy
A blindness of the future, a distaste of the present
Like a useless compass, whizzing around in circles
Never to land on one direction
Always searching for the true answer
A cosmic exploration of life's meanings, pains, and more. and more is just wasting space...explain or leave it out.
Forever drifting, further and further away

Im by no means a mediocre poet, but i feel that this poem is missing some of the basics, which i learned only once offering my own poetry up for review.


Grammar is important, and while you managed commas and ellipses, every line doesn't need to be capitalized and the poem as a whole could use a re-edit. I would also think about why you decided to make the poem centered. If you did it to make it look like a poem, i'd suggest moving back to left align so it is easier to read.

Other than that, welcome to the site (i'm new myself) and i was glad to be able to read your poetry.

[Isis]

Hey, what good would poetry be if it didn't let us explore the melancholy with the joyful?

Before I get into it too deep here, I have a few questions.

First, why center the poem? I think I might be missing the intent here - I usually find that centering a poem actually makes it a lot harder to read, and ends up losing the emphasis that a left-aligned poem usually has at the beginning and ends of lines.

Another thing I noticed about this poem that I'm curious about is the loose connection between the lines. Some parts of the poem seem clearly like part of one sentence, like the first four lines. You could turn those first four lines into prose and they would make sense, no problem. But other lines seem to be tangentially related -- they would be part of different sentences, or even different paragraphs. It took me a second read through the poem to get a handle on the transitions between lines, on the rhythm of it. I wonder why we're left to our own devices with this, to figure out how the lines connect, or don't, for ourselves.

the main feeling that I get in the poem is definitely drifting, but not because of the repetition of the word necessarily … mostly in this poem I'm looking for some anchor, some concrete description or idea or glimmer of narrative, and having a hard time finding it. What memories of a past that seems cruelly happy? Can we see them, experience some sliver of them? What are the objects in mirror that are far away? What has happened to the speaker's family? What is the speaker trying to push towards, trying to escape from? The poem mostly fills me with questions. It was hard for me to connect with this speaker and feel the emotions described in the poem because I felt like I didn't get enough to imagine, to engage with on a more specific level. I wonder if other readers would feel the same way.

That brings me to my last question: what do you want other people to get out of the poem? Is this for you to understand, or is this for us to understand?

[Nujet2002]

I'm brand new to this site and in no way anything more than a beginner poet but I have to disagree with a few things the reviewers prior to myself mentioned, mainly that there should be some concreteness to the point or more specifics. I think the abstract quality of this poem makes it relatable to more people, they're able to connect it to feelings they've experienced.

However, I would agree with some of the simple grammar adjustments such as removing the extra a in line 2 and the and more in the 2nd to last line. The poem would also be an easier read if it were left aligned as the previous two posters have mentioned.

Another comment is that I'm not sure the trapped in chains followed by weight being unforgiving flows very well. Maybe if they're trapped in chains make the line something about being inescapable.

[MT-EMPTY]

I enjoyed reading it, there is a few parts with are very good in my opinion like "Memories of a past that seems cruelly happy" and "The memories of warmth and joy. A familial bond seemingly untouchable. Broken, shattered, flushed away" they are very strong expressions and especially the "past that's cruelly happy" part is a very interesting way to describe what your feeling. And then there is some things i don't understand, like "objects in the mirror are farther than they appear" maybe that's just me but i can't figure out what this is metaphor means, or "A blindness of the future" which i think i maybe know what means but don't understand the way it's written, does it mean that the future is completely uncertain? Distaste of the present is very clear. I agree on many of Qdeathstars points, but i feel like the chain part is fine (just personal opinion) but it could be "i feel like being trapped in chains, the wieght so unforgiving" and it could jump straight to that straight after "Broken, shattered, flushed away". I do disagree with Qdeathstar that the "cruelly happy" parts needs anything more to work. You can experiment with it if you want, but save the original.

[FutureProof]

Drifting

So many disparate pieces
Once a part of a beautiful puzzle you don't need two a's here, they seem to hurt the rhythm
Agreed.
Floating further and further away this kind of repetition is boring, can you be more further than further?
I see what you mean, but I think this is something I'll keep here.
Each in their own tormented orbits what are they orbiting?
Orbits here is an analogy to a person's life. We all rotate around our core beliefs and thoughts. The people in our lives are neighboring planets. We are often so set in our ways that it would take a massive event to throw us off our respective axes.
Memories of a past that seems cruelly happy maybe describe the memories and show how they are "cruelly happy" rather than telling us in dull language
[/color]Ahh, but what would be a poem if there wasn't some level of mystery? But perhaps I can let the reader in a bit more.
Drifting further away
Objects in mirror are farther than they appear wait. Are we in a car or in space? Do cars have orbits? The illusion here is that some of our most vivid and poignant memories are those that are, time-wise, most distant.
Nurturing new bonds is my medication
Without these, life would be meaningless
And yet, the pain still lingers
The memories of warmth and joy
A familial bond seemingly untouchable
Broken, shattered, flushed away
Never to return, never to breathe again ok, we get it, your beating a dead horse
[/color]Just my emotions manifesting themselves in writing. It's the pulse of my thoughts and I wouldn't have written it if it wasn't how I felt.
Drifting further away i guess this is a refrain, but you've used away twice in three lines. I would edit the prior line
See previous comment.
Feelings of being trapped in chains. cliche, and your beating a dead horse. Say what you need to say, make your peace, and move on. Its like you are slowing ripping my eyes out.
Noted.
The weight is unforgiving
What once seemed so clear has rendered itself hazy
A blindness of the future, a distaste of the present
Like a useless compass, whizzing around in circles
Never to land on one direction
Always searching for the true answer
A cosmic exploration of life's meanings, pains, and more. and more is just wasting space...explain or leave it out.
I agree, "more" is too ambiguous.
Forever drifting, further and further away

Im by no means a mediocre poet, but i feel that this poem is missing some of the basics, which i learned only once offering my own poetry up for review.


Grammar is important, and while you managed commas and ellipses, every line doesn't need to be capitalized and the poem as a whole could use a re-edit. I would also think about why you decided to make the poem centered. If you did it to make it look like a poem, i'd suggest moving back to left align so it is easier to read.

Other than that, welcome to the site (i'm new myself) and i was glad to be able to read your poetry.

Thanks for the constructive criticism. To be honest, I wrote this in about 5 minutes and didn't really give it a proper proofread, but definitely noted on the grammar, structure, and alignment.

---

Hey, what good would poetry be if it didn't let us explore the melancholy with the joyful?

Before I get into it too deep here, I have a few questions.

First, why center the poem? I think I might be missing the intent here - I usually find that centering a poem actually makes it a lot harder to read, and ends up losing the emphasis that a left-aligned poem usually has at the beginning and ends of lines.

No particular reason. Didn't really think too much about it honestly, just considered centering it to make it more aesthetically appealing.

Another thing I noticed about this poem that I'm curious about is the loose connection between the lines. Some parts of the poem seem clearly like part of one sentence, like the first four lines. You could turn those first four lines into prose and they would make sense, no problem. But other lines seem to be tangentially related -- they would be part of different sentences, or even different paragraphs. It took me a second read through the poem to get a handle on the transitions between lines, on the rhythm of it. I wonder why we're left to our own devices with this, to figure out how the lines connect, or don't, for ourselves.

Perhaps it's because I wrote this in <5 minutes, but yeah I see what you mean. Definitely worth adding in some more structure.

the main feeling that I get in the poem is definitely drifting, but not because of the repetition of the word necessarily … mostly in this poem I'm looking for some anchor, some concrete description or idea or glimmer of narrative, and having a hard time finding it. What memories of a past that seems cruelly happy? Can we see them, experience some sliver of them? What are the objects in mirror that are far away? What has happened to the speaker's family? What is the speaker trying to push towards, trying to escape from? The poem mostly fills me with questions. It was hard for me to connect with this speaker and feel the emotions described in the poem because I felt like I didn't get enough to imagine, to engage with on a more specific level. I wonder if other readers would feel the same way.

Good points. I think I wanted to keep it high-level and mysterious but I certainly don't want to confuse the reader too much. Re: the "cruelly happy" bit. I think what it comes down to, for me, is that I am currently in a bit of a life "slump" and thinking about my happy, nostalgia-soaked memories almost makes it seem cruel that life seemed to start so happy and yet, I find myself depressed today for a couple notable reasons: family and career confusion. As a 20-something, it is a reflection that what once was, is no longer. That the happy moments you replay in your mind, that you probably took for granted and would do anything to relive, will never happen again. It's an expression of lost hope, as depressing as that may sound.

That brings me to my last question: what do you want other people to get out of the poem? Is this for you to understand, or is this for us to understand?

Besides above comment, I think it's my way of acknowledging my own thoughts. I do want to connect with others, and that definitely means I need to open the poem up a bit more and let more people in. It's a hard thing to do, but maybe it will be beneficial for me and others to do that.

---

I'm brand new to this site and in no way anything more than a beginner poet but I have to disagree with a few things the reviewers prior to myself mentioned, mainly that there should be some concreteness to the point or more specifics. I think the abstract quality of this poem makes it relatable to more people, they're able to connect it to feelings they've experienced.

However, I would agree with some of the simple grammar adjustments such as removing the extra a in line 2 and the and more in the 2nd to last line. The poem would also be an easier read if it were left aligned as the previous two posters have mentioned.

Another comment is that I'm not sure the trapped in chains followed by weight being unforgiving flows very well. Maybe if they're trapped in chains make the line something about being inescapable.

Interesting note about the abstractness. That was what I felt at first, but it seems readers are interested in learning more. I do not want to give too much away, but do want readers to be able to connect, on some level.

---

I enjoyed reading it, there is a few parts with are very good in my opinion like "Memories of a past that seems cruelly happy" and "The memories of warmth and joy. A familial bond seemingly untouchable. Broken, shattered, flushed away" they are very strong expressions and especially the "past that's cruelly happy" part is a very interesting way to describe what your feeling. And then there is some things i don't understand, like "objects in the mirror are farther than they appear" maybe that's just me but i can't figure out what this is metaphor means, or "A blindness of the future" which i think i maybe know what means but don't understand the way it's written, does it mean that the future is completely uncertain? Distaste of the present is very clear. I agree on many of Qdeathstars points, but i feel like the chain part is fine (just personal opinion) but it could be "i feel like being trapped in chains, the wieght so unforgiving" and it could jump straight to that straight after "Broken, shattered, flushed away". I do disagree with Qdeathstar that the "cruelly happy" parts needs anything more to work. You can experiment with it if you want, but save the original.

Appreciate the comments. "Blindness of the future" is really just that. We can try to predict the future all we want. We can think about where we want to be in 5, 10, 20 years down the road. But at the end of the day, we really have no idea at all. In a world where we have Twitter updates on anything within mere seconds, not knowing what the future holds can be a scary thing, at least in my mind.

[Isis]

Thanks for taking a look at my comments and responding!

I think most people who read poetry tend to find standard, left-aligned poetry to be the most aesthetically pleasing. I see no aesthetic reason to center a poem unless it's concrete poetry - poetry where the shape of the words on the page is really important. One reason that I like looking at left-aligned work is because I feel like that alignment guides me more easily and smoothly through reading. It creates a moment of big emphasis at the end of each line, and a moment of little emphasis at the beginning of each line. Many poets take advantage of that to get readers to focus on important words or ideas. I think this makes it a really useful way to put poetry down on the page, because even when writing free verse, this alignment and this way of treating the ends/beginnings of lines creates a subtle structure that you can take advantage of.

In your explanation of the poem in response to my question, I see a lot of stuff that I can relate to, and that seem like great things to mine for writing poetry. Who hasn't experienced the sting of looking back on a happy childhood memory and feeling like all that joy is gone now? Who hasn't felt uncertain and confused in their twenties? There are a lot of ways to convey these moments and ideas through poetry. You could tell a story. You could show us individual memories, using imagery so we can see how some formative moment of childhood joy is now reflecting badly on the young adult troubles. I kind of wish I could see a different version of this poem that created scenes, or that used imagery and metaphor, to get across these experiences of being young and confused and frustrated. But that's just me ... it's your poem. Ultimately I think a poem like this works when readers can learn something about the speaker of the poem and feel like they care. I think it's possible to write a poem that involves readers given the subject matter you're working with, but it's going to take some practice or revision to make that happen.

Hitting the right balance between your goal of being mysterious and the goal of opening the poem up to readers can be difficult. I'd try it a few ways - maybe in revisions of this poem, or maybe in future poems. Test the waters … see how people respond when the poem incorporates different levels of imagery and metaphor. See how people resound when the poem seems very external (showing everything to the reader) vs when the poem is very internal like this one. It'll take practice, it'll take trial and error. But if you want to reach people besides your future self, that trial and error will be worth it.

[LorettaYoung]

Drifting

So many disparate pieces
Once a part of a beautiful puzzle you don't need two a's here, they seem to hurt the rhythm
Floating further and further away this kind of repetition is boring, can you be more further than further?
Each in their own tormented orbits what are they orbiting?
Memories of a past that seems cruelly happy maybe describe the memories and show how they are "cruelly happy" rather than telling us in dull language
Drifting further away
Objects in mirror are farther than they appear wait. Are we in a car or in space? Do cars have orbits?
Nurturing new bonds is my medication
Without these, life would be meaningless
And yet, the pain still lingers
The memories of warmth and joy
A familial bond seemingly untouchable
Broken, shattered, flushed away
Never to return, never to breathe again ok, we get it, your beating a dead horse
Drifting further away i guess this is a refrain, but you've used away twice in three lines. I would edit the prior line
Feelings of being trapped in chains. cliche, and your beating a dead horse. Say what you need to say, make your peace, and move on. Its like you are slowing ripping my eyes out.
The weight is unforgiving
What once seemed so clear has rendered itself hazy
A blindness of the future, a distaste of the present
Like a useless compass, whizzing around in circles
Never to land on one direction
Always searching for the true answer
A cosmic exploration of life's meanings, pains, and more. and more is just wasting space...explain or leave it out.
Forever drifting, further and further away

Im by no means a mediocre poet, but i feel that this poem is missing some of the basics, which i learned only once offering my own poetry up for review.


Grammar is important, and while you managed commas and ellipses, every line doesn't need to be capitalized and the poem as a whole could use a re-edit. I would also think about why you decided to make the poem centered. If you did it to make it look like a poem, i'd suggest moving back to left align so it is easier to read.

Other than that, welcome to the site (i'm new myself) and i was glad to be able to read your poetry.

---

Hi, agree with Q, beating a dead horse over and over made it difficult to read; and I think it made you force unwanted and trite words to keep it up. I believe it can be edited and brought together. There are five lines in a row that say the same thing, I think you could say it beautifully in one or two lines; not trying to be rough; I've had the same trouble. Best, Loretta

[Jimmy Stark]

I liked this. I'm not sure if the line "Objects in mirror are farther than they appear" is a poetic cliche, but I really liked it and found as though it conveyed everything you were trying to get across here. The life you once knew is still visible and you can almost touch it, but it gets farther away everyday as you continue down the road of life. Really pretty line, really nice poem.

[FutureProof]

I will first off by saying I am also new to this site and I am not much of a writer but when I can't say what I feel I write it down which brought me here. I may not be well with words and grammar but I understand if they make me feel. Now I will get to your poem.
It got my attention. I enjoyed reading it. I felt like I could relate to your poem which made it easy to read. I feel like I understood what you feeling in this. The feelings of confusion, hopelessness, and acceptance are strong feelings and definitely moved me.
I wish I could give more corrective critique but do not know what I would change, the only error I possibly could detect was "Never to land on one direction" should be "in one direction"
Thank you for a great read, again I could deeply relate you the feelings in this poem and wish you a happy searching. Don't stop

Appreciate the comments! I'm happy to hear that some people can understand the high-level messages that I am trying to convey. I wanted this to be more of a "forest" poem as opposed to a "trees" poem and so thanks for getting that. And may we all find our way!

---

I liked this. I'm not sure if the line "Objects in mirror are farther than they appear" is a poetic cliche, but I really liked it and found as though it conveyed everything you were trying to get across here. The life you once knew is still visible and you can almost touch it, but it gets farther away everyday as you continue down the road of life. Really pretty line, really nice poem.

Thank you! I couldn't think of a better way to describe that particular feeling than that line. Glad you liked it.

---

Drifting

So many disparate pieces
Once a part of a beautiful puzzle you don't need two a's here, they seem to hurt the rhythm
Floating further and further away this kind of repetition is boring, can you be more further than further?
Each in their own tormented orbits what are they orbiting?
Memories of a past that seems cruelly happy maybe describe the memories and show how they are "cruelly happy" rather than telling us in dull language
Drifting further away
Objects in mirror are farther than they appear wait. Are we in a car or in space? Do cars have orbits?
Nurturing new bonds is my medication
Without these, life would be meaningless
And yet, the pain still lingers
The memories of warmth and joy
A familial bond seemingly untouchable
Broken, shattered, flushed away
Never to return, never to breathe again ok, we get it, your beating a dead horse
Drifting further away i guess this is a refrain, but you've used away twice in three lines. I would edit the prior line
Feelings of being trapped in chains. cliche, and your beating a dead horse. Say what you need to say, make your peace, and move on. Its like you are slowing ripping my eyes out.
The weight is unforgiving
What once seemed so clear has rendered itself hazy
A blindness of the future, a distaste of the present
Like a useless compass, whizzing around in circles
Never to land on one direction
Always searching for the true answer
A cosmic exploration of life's meanings, pains, and more. and more is just wasting space...explain or leave it out.
Forever drifting, further and further away

Im by no means a mediocre poet, but i feel that this poem is missing some of the basics, which i learned only once offering my own poetry up for review.


Grammar is important, and while you managed commas and ellipses, every line doesn't need to be capitalized and the poem as a whole could use a re-edit. I would also think about why you decided to make the poem centered. If you did it to make it look like a poem, i'd suggest moving back to left align so it is easier to read.

Other than that, welcome to the site (i'm new myself) and i was glad to be able to read your poetry.

---

Hi, agree with Q, beating a dead horse over and over made it difficult to read; and I think it made you force unwanted and trite words to keep it up. I believe it can be edited and brought together. There are five lines in a row that say the same thing, I think you could say it beautifully in one or two lines; not trying to be rough; I've had the same trouble. Best, Loretta

Appreciate the comments. I think, for me, the five or so lines that convey the same meaning is supposed to be like beating a dead horse. I wish I could describe that particular feeling more briefly, but given my particular circumstance, I felt it appropriate to take some "extra time" in describing my emotions.

[QDeathstar]

I'm looking forward to an edit :yes:

[CameranMorgan]

I like the structure. I love the tone. I'm sorry you are feeling this way but keep up the good work on the poetry. Thank you for your little piece.

[VisualPoet703]

First, I never think you should apologize/feel bad about writing a poem that describes sadness and struggle. It's a human condition. Sad poems are needed just like every other type of poem. So, thanks for sharing your heart with us. That's brave.

Someone had mentioned that they enjoy the line, "Objects in mirror are farther than they appear." I understand why you wrote this, but it doesn't work for me personally. It breaks my concentration because it makes me think, "Objects in mirror are closer than they appear." Instead of making me think, "Oh, that' cleaver!" I think it's necessary that you have a line that means the same thing but worded differently.

Also, it read as though there were two different trains of thought happening. Which, there were, because you explained that this poem describes some family troubles and the search for your calling. I don't think it's a bad thing that both of those issues are examined, but I do think the writing needs to be structured in a way that makes that flow easier. Perhaps creating different line breaks? That's what I was thinking as I was reading- something to signal to the viewer that you're talking about a different struggle now. Again, thanks for sharing!

[azure]

Hi all,

Here's a poem I just created that depicts how I've been feeling about life lately. It's definitely a melancholy piece, so apologies if anyone feels depressed after reading it. It encapsulates some things that have happened in my family over the past year, as well as my ongoing challenge of figuring out my calling in life. Anyway, please critique as you like. Thanks for reading:

Drifting

So many disparate pieces
Once a part of a beautiful puzzle
Floating further and further away
Each in their own tormented orbits
Memories of a past that seems cruelly happy cut the 's' from 'seems'
Drifting further away maybe break this into a stanza?
Objects in mirror are farther than they appear
Nurturing new bonds is my medication (I relate but you are not convincing me of anything new.)
Without these, life would be meaningless Your language use lacks originality. This is cliched
And yet, the pain still lingers
The memories of warmth and joy last two lines are just cliches.
A familial bond seemingly untouchable 'familial' doesn't seem right here.
Broken, shattered, flushed away
Never to return, never to breathe again last two lines are really dramatic and cliche
Drifting further away could be spaced into a new stanza
Feelings of being trapped in chains
The weight is unforgiving lack of punctuation makes the poem difficult to read.
What once seemed so clear has rendered itself hazy cliche once again.
A blindness of the future, a distaste of the present
Like a useless compass, whizzing around in circles
Never to land on one direction simile lacked originality.
Always searching for the true answer  could just cut 'the true answer' and use simply "truth".
A cosmic exploration of life's meanings, pains, and more
Forever drifting, further and further away

the reiteration of 'drifting away' was a lazy attempt at stating the obvious in a stagnate ending.

While I can relate to this poem, it was expressed in cliche ways and had useless repetition that did not interest me. Your descriptions of your suffering lacked originality and the format of this poem made it sloppy and difficult to read. I suggest striving to utilize unique imagery and intriguing metaphors to breathe life into this overused subject matter. Push yourself.

Azure

[PurpleFluff]

Hi all,

Here's a poem I just created that depicts how I've been feeling about life lately. It's definitely a melancholy piece, so apologies if anyone feels depressed after reading it. It encapsulates some things that have happened in my family over the past year, as well as my ongoing challenge of figuring out my calling in life. Anyway, please critique as you like. Thanks for reading:

Drifting

So many disparate pieces
Once a part of a beautiful puzzle (Puzzle peices may be a cliche topic)
Floating further and further away
Each in their own tormented orbits
Memories of a past that seems cruelly happy
Drifting further away
Objects in mirror are farther than they appear  This seems out of place, not connected to the meaning. I would cut this out
Nurturing new bonds is my medication
Without these, life would be meaningless (show dont tell)
And yet, the pain still lingers (But the pain still lingers , and yet seems confusing...im not sure but works either
The memories of warmth and joy
A familial bond seemingly untouchable (seems untouchable?)
Broken, shattered, flushed away
Never to return, never to breathe again (switch up never...maybe unable?
Drifting further away
Feelings of being trapped in chains
The weight is unforgiving Thier weight?
What once seemed so clear has rendered itself hazy
A blindness of the future, a distaste of the present Favorite two
Like a useless compass, whizzing around in circles lines however be more clear on who is experiencing blindness. in a sense its clear but i feel the above line could use some re- wording.
Never to land on one direction
Always searching for the true answer ( answer to what?)
A cosmic exploration of life's meanings, pains, and more I agree cut "and more"
Forever drifting, further and further away 

 Hello FutureProof
I appreciate you being willing to delve into and explore the less enjoyable emotions human beings experience as a well rounded part of life. I think there are a few things I wont mention because who needs to -pardon the cliche- beat a dead horse. Other members have done a great job at highlighting some grammar and repetition issues. I do agree the poem does get wordy at times , my novice notes are above . It's a bit over-exasperated if you will. In fact you could probobly cut this poem in half and be just as effective- if not more- than your current version. Also I find it may be valuable to mention you made a comment in reply to another user mentioning how a human beings life is in orbit and sometimes it takes a lot to knock them out of their habit. If you are looking to add more depth and imagery to this poem that could be a great route to take. All in all if you can do this in five minutes, with a little work and re-think you can write a beaut in no time.
Thanks for the read. Hope some of this helped.

- Halee

[Mungosmungo]

I just want to open by telling you that, while this poem is incredibly saddening, I like it very much. I think you have some serious potential from what I've seen here, and though you could use some refining (everyone could), I think that you are an inspired writer, which is an important first step.


So many disparate pieces Your word choice here instantly draws me in; I really appreciate how you used disparate instead of 'separate' ,or something like that. It keeps that rhythm but is much less cliche, and it conveys your tone just beautifully.

Once a part of a beautiful puzzle Again, your conveyance of how low you feel to have fallen is very well portrayed. I actually disagree with an above commentor; I prefer the two 'a's. I think it improves the rhythm in some ways. Though think this through: your first line brought up many disparate pieces, but here you use singular phraseslike 'a part'. I think you can come up with some phrase that makes it stronger.

Floating further and further away I like the rhythm that this repetition gives, but it is a bit cliche and commonplace. Jazzing it up makes it more fun to read, and thusly makes for better poetry, as the reader will get into it more easily and you can really speak to them if they are fully drawn in.

Each in their own tormented orbits I am intrigued by this phrase; I enjoy the paradox created by all of these pieces of yourself being seen as separate, though they are all part of the same thing. It conveys a great sense of conflict that seems to be a big part of what you are trying to convey.

Memories of a past that seems cruelly happy seem would fit as opposed to seems. Perhaps something you may consider is relating this line and the previous one more... smoothly? More meaning could be imbued in this poem if you were to describe how the memories plague those individual bits in their own orbits, you know? Try to 'show' the reader these feelings instead of just blatantly stating that there ARE memories of a cruelly happy past; how do the memories relate to your feelings?

Drifting further away Is it really such a bad thing that something causing you pain (your cruelly happy past) is drifting away? I see what you are trying to convey here. but a revision is probably in order.

Objects in mirror are farther than they appear one of my favorite lines

Nurturing new bonds is my medication the segue to this thought could be better

Without these, life would be meaningless You seem to have already implied the meaninglessness of your own life with all of this conflict.

And yet, the pain still lingers cliche but... good

The memories of warmth and joy memories seems redundant; perhaps 'fading remnants of recollection, the warmth and joy I once knew;' or something like that. Obviously this is your poem, but I'm trying to give you ideas

A familial bond seemingly untouchable nice paradox

Broken, shattered, flushed away bond broken.. that part's good. However, the flushed is... less fitting.

Never to return, never to breathe again If you are going to personify a familial bond, at least give it a personality, or something to do besides 'never breathing again'; especially when the reader had never heard of it breathing before.

Drifting further away good refocusing/repetition to keep the mood going. work on connecting the tangential thoughts in the poem though

Feelings of being trapped in chains How can one be drifting whilst encumbered by so much baggage? Perhaps that is a question you want your reader to ask.. if so, bravo

The weight is unforgiving just like your past :o

What once seemed so clear has rendered itself hazy rendered itself? how about something more dramatic; after all, it is the fading of focus in life.. to you it seems a tragedy; make it more discomfiting or sad

A blindness of the future, a distaste of the present to the future, perhaps.

Like a useless compass, whizzing around in circles hm... not bad, but whizzing around in circles is a weak phraseology

Never to land on one direction to land? meh... there are better words for this situation; better phrases too

Always searching for the true answer true answer seems redundant.. this line can be revised to great improvement

A cosmic exploration of life's meanings, pains, and more
Forever drifting, further and further away


I like the last few lines quite a bit. Just make sure to really focus on conveying a feeling or experience in a poem; wandering thoughts can bore the reader and detract from the meaning of the poem. Over all, I like it and would like to see a revision some day soon

[Dymun Fengshui]

Hi all,

Here's a poem I just created that depicts how I've been feeling about life lately. It's definitely a melancholy piece, so apologies if anyone feels depressed after reading it. It encapsulates some things that have happened in my family over the past year, as well as my ongoing challenge of figuring out my calling in life. Anyway, please critique as you like. Thanks for reading:

Drifting

So many disparate pieces
Once a part of a beautiful puzzle
Floating further and further away
Each in their own tormented orbits
Memories of a past that seems cruelly happy "Memories of a cruel past seem so happy
Drifting further away I don't like this line after already saying it just two before
Objects in mirror are farther than they appear
Nurturing new bonds is my medication
Without these, life would be meaningless
And yet, the pain still lingers
The memories of warmth and joy
A familial bond seemingly untouchable
Broken, shattered, flushed away
Never to return, never to breathe again
Drifting further away I don't like this concept I think maybe you should connect the drifting theme at the beginning and end rather than throughout
Feelings of being trapped in chains
The weight is unforgiving
What once seemed so clear has rendered itself hazy
A blindness of the future, a distaste of the present
Like a useless compass, whizzing around in circles
Never to land on one direction
Always searching for the true answer
A cosmic exploration of life's meanings, pains, and more
Forever drifting, further and further away