Distracted

[MT-EMPTY]

Edited (still in progress, will change. Also be aware that i quickly added to some lines to this though i'm very tired, so maybe it seems a bit strange some places)
----
There is a world out there to be explored, but your sitting inside decaying and being bored
I think you need to pull out the cord, I think you need to open your eyes
And see what you’ve been overlooking
Chances to love chances to live
To experience true success, not just a quick laugh
Comedy flicks fix, or franticly pressing buttons
For a rush of adrenelin shortlived
An anonymos contender, winning a contest that no cares about
just your own selfish self, and a sore loser who lost nothing
but precious time
your short sightedness, your simple mindedness
Hides from you what you still don’t know you’ll be missing
The feeling of making a change, of doing a favour
Getting only gratitude in exchange
Feeling rich without any spare change
The images on the screen has you hypnotised, wake up from the unconciuosness
You never realized you are dreaming, you never noticed how the screen has you sedated
these carefully selected news that airs in between the mindless entertainment
are not good for you, they create a distance bewteen you
and the once initamate world outside your window
You’re eyes are swallowing the propaganda, you’re brain filter has no time to react
You are paralyzed but you think you are free
Thoughtlessness seems like bliss at times,
though it hurts to see it’s worse to be blind
Wake up and open your mind

Original (allmost lost a little by accident)

There is a world out there to be explored, but your sitting inside decaying and being bored
I think you need to pull out the cord, I think you need to open your eyes
And see what you’ve been overlooking
your short sightedness, your simple mindedness
Hides from you what you still don’t know you’ll be missing
The images on the screen has you hypnotised, wake up from the unconciuosness
You never realized you are dreaming, you never noticed how they sedated you
You’re eyes are swallowing the propaganda, you’re brain filter has no time to react
You are paralyzed but you think you are free
Thoughtlessness seems like bliss at times, but though it hurts to see it’s worse to be blind
Wake up and open your mind


Not the best i can come up with but something i want to hear some reactions to. My best poems are in my own lanquage but those are not of much use here

[rowens]

You get rid of all the errors and you still have only a message. The poem doesn't say much. And as for what it does say, people aren't blind, their eyes are open, they're awake. They're either ignorant or they don't care very much about what this poem is upset over. And there isn't anything to say about what the poem does say. Its message just says things are not right so look! Look at what?

[MT-EMPTY]

Well ok, it's not something i expected much praise for, but i think i washed out the message a bit, that a lot of people live very simple and lazy lives, sitting inside most of the time playing games or watching tv, while in the end these are temporary joys, and in the end they'll feel they were missing out. Like i said it is not the best i can do but i wanted to hear some reactions as it is pretty much just a stream of thoughts, which sometimes works and other times ends up not so good. I did not not review this my self, just wrote and posted, but thanks for your input. And to be specific, "look at what?" i meant look at the opportunities to do something more in life

[rowens]

Maybe you could sneak in some subtle example of what it is that's better than the nothing that they're doing. Just for consideration's sake.

[QDeathstar]

I think mt is making a dig at the United States' citizens. He says "you are paralyzed but you think you are free" and "swallowing propaganda" reminds me of some anti US cliches....


Still, even in metaphors I don't think there is a difference between being blind or being thoughtless.


Actually, I take that back. It is clearly better to be blind than thoughtless. So your just wrong.


Lastly, your last line feels very arrogant.

[MT-EMPTY]

I will try, though i'm looking more forward to releasing something better

[rowens]

What is your language? The one you said was your own?

[MT-EMPTY]

I don't think it's arrogant so we'll just have to disagree on that one Qdeathstar. Also why would this only apply to americans, i'm from denmark and our culture is similar in many areas

---

What is your language? The one you said was your own?

Danish is my native lanquage

---

Actually, I take that back. It is clearly better to be blind than thoughtless. So your just wrong.

I said "it hurts to see but it's worse to be blind" so you misunderstanding what is said in that line

[rowens]

I saw that in your Denmark comment. I'm supposed to be learning Danish, but, I'm a busy man.

The ideas you're expressing are useful. Nothing stands out though. Many people say these things all the time. It's the way you're saying it that's simply the same sort of thing that's come through here again and again. The subject could work, but the content has little.

[MT-EMPTY]

Ok, i agree, but it was a quick process writing this, but i'm not good at judging my own texts. I know that i written some good text because i just attended a folk high school were i had writer as a class, and i have gotten good feedback from some of my danish text. Though many have the same problem you're adressing here

[rowens]

It's hard to tell in English. Though high school is funny too. You never know about the judgments of these teachers.

[MT-EMPTY]

My teaches used to be the rector at a writer school, and the other teacher that works there is also educated at a writer school. Also note that a folk high school is not a high school, it's a special kind of shcool for adults where you take courses short courses (3,5 or 8 months) and choose your own subjects. The teacher who was a rector also has his own publishing company and has written quite a few books

EDIT: He has also been a part of jurys in danish writing contests, he is not some nobody

[rowens]

If he owns his own publishing company, writing a few books makes sense. It's still hard to tell in English what you can do in Danish.

[MT-EMPTY]

Yeah, i know it's hard to tell, but there is also a big difference between my poems, some of the danish ones are also not very good. I have also written in english a lot before, but that was lyrics for a metal band, and i would write a lot of text that i didn't think were good for every one that i liked. But we never got of due to lots of problems and only few people saw my lyrics. Still i'm sure that in time it will show that there is a big difference between my the quality of my material. I look forward to showing more and getting more critique

[QDeathstar]

I don't think it's arrogant so we'll just have to disagree on that one Qdeathstar. Also why would this only apply to americans, i'm from denmark and our culture is similar in many areas

---

What is your language? The one you said was your own?

Danish is my native lanquage

---

Actually, I take that back. It is clearly better to be blind than thoughtless. So your just wrong.

I said "it hurts to see but it's worse to be blind" so you misunderstanding what is said in that line

Yes, you put "Thoughtlessness seems like bliss at times, but though it hurts to see it’s worse to" all on the same line. For some reason, I don't know why, I thought the ideas were related. Please clarify.

[MT-EMPTY]

The point is that it's hard (for some people, including me) to get out of your comfort zone, which is (in this case) trying to forget all that you can't do or have trouble achieving so you "turn the blind eye" to what you really want or what you can't do. Which can be achieved doing not thinking about the relevent issues your facing by doing drugs and/or doing something to distract yourself, so you don't have to face or think about that you not happy about your situation or that it's not sustainable. So being thoughtless and blind is the same as you first suggested, but i think it works fine to have two metaphors with same meaning

[QDeathstar]

I meant in the poem.

[MT-EMPTY]

Ok, i seperated that part into two lines in the poem, i think that's enough

[QDeathstar]

I actually think that the "but" hurts it more

[MT-EMPTY]

I can see what you mean, it's gone now... But this needs a lot of work to be decent, i'll see how much i can improve it, and how much effort i want to put into it