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(Edit: thanks, just mercedes, Erthona, and John Galt)
Soaking up moonlight,
the ancient oak waits for rain.
Thunderstorms approach.
---------------------------------
An old man looks up
as cottonwood leaves tremble;
the rain dance begins.
---------------------------------
Leaves dance,
while roots sing;
A summer shower.
____________________________________________
(Original Version)
An old man looks up
as cottonwood leaves tremble;
the rain dance begins.
Soaking up moonlight,
the ancient oak waits for rain.
Lightning approaches.
Leaves dance,
while roots sing;
A summer shower.
just mercedes
Unregistered
Nice haiku chain! I wonder if the second 'ku should go first?
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(06-08-2014, 09:01 AM)just mercedes Wrote: Nice haiku chain! I wonder if the second 'ku should go first?
Good idea! I edited the first post.
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Markworth,
Not that I particularly care about haiku form, as I think it really has no relationship to the Japanese form, but if you're going to follow the 5-7-5 in the first two, why deviate from it in the third stanza, and why then call it a haiku, especially as there is no kireji? You do not have a seasonal reference except in the last stanza, so it seems a mixed bag. Just curious, but the lines of the last stanza (especially the second line as it is obvious that it is not seven syllables long) seem slightly disruptive to the poem, at least for me. I got to that second line and immediately stopped to ponder why it was so short, which of course took me out of the poem. If it was intentional I would be interested in your rationale.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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(06-08-2014, 11:36 AM)Erthona Wrote: Markworth,
Not that I particularly care about haiku form, as I think it really has no relationship to the Japanese form, but if you're going to follow the 5-7-5 in the first two, why deviate from it in the third stanza, and why then call it a haiku, especially as there is no kireji? You do not have a seasonal reference except in the last stanza, so it seems a mixed bag. Just curious, but the lines of the last stanza (especially the second line as it is obvious that it is not seven syllables long) seem slightly disruptive to the poem, at least for me. I got to that second line and immediately stopped to ponder why it was so short, which of course took me out of the poem. If it was intentional I would be interested in your rationale.
Dale
Dale,
Thanks for the questions and insight. When I typed up my original post, my first idea was to include several 3 line poems about trees and I had five 3 line poems typed up. I realized that three out of the five had a connection, and discarded the other two because I thought they would be distracting. I agree that the third 3 line poem is disruptive, when combined with the other two. I'll edit the original post to include lines between the 3 line poems to separate them a bit.
Out of respect for the true Japanese form, I may stop referring to these as Haiku. I'm basically interested in 3 line poems for two reasons. I want to either show a sharp contrast between two things, or I want to create a spark between two things. They will be Haiku-inspired.
Markworth
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Soaking up moonlight,
the ancient oak waits for rain.
Lightning approaches.
---------------------------------
An old man looks up
as cottonwood leaves tremble;
the rain dance begins.
---------------------------------
Leaves dance,
while roots sing;
A summer shower.
Hello Mark, the second verse contains "cottonwood" it would have been better for me to keep with "oak" to link all three poems.
I like the connotation of the tree in verse 1 "soaking" up moonlight instead of water, because it has not rained, the imagery of the tree "waiting" in the moonlight is lovely. Line 3 of the first verse does not strike me as "right" it is hard for me to put my finger on why, so as to give you a definitive answer, it is just my "gut" feeling after reading thousands of these poems. You could have left the whole line out for instance, and put "for rain" on its own line.
In verse 2 we can link "old" back to "ancient" in V1. The word "An" is (for me) superfluous. The storm arriving could have been brought into existence in this verse. Once again there is something slightly off with lines 2 and 3. And once again it is hard for me to specify why, the "flow" is off.
Verse 3 does not work for me at all, summer shower does not link with the connotation of "lightning" which I would associate more with a storm.
Things like "leaves dance" have been used too many times. The word "while" could be left out. Roots "drink" I would always try to be factual if possible it helps the overall image.
Hope some of this helps, I really enjoyed your posts. JG
Posts: 11
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(06-08-2014, 05:27 PM)John Galt Wrote: Soaking up moonlight,
the ancient oak waits for rain.
Lightning approaches.
---------------------------------
An old man looks up
as cottonwood leaves tremble;
the rain dance begins.
---------------------------------
Leaves dance,
while roots sing;
A summer shower.
Hello Mark, the second verse contains "cottonwood" it would have been better for me to keep with "oak" to link all three poems.
I like the connotation of the tree in verse 1 "soaking" up moonlight instead of water, because it has not rained, the imagery of the tree "waiting" in the moonlight is lovely. Line 3 of the first verse does not strike me as "right" it is hard for me to put my finger on why, so as to give you a definitive answer, it is just my "gut" feeling after reading thousands of these poems. You could have left the whole line out for instance, and put "for rain" on its own line.
In verse 2 we can link "old" back to "ancient" in V1. The word "An" is (for me) superfluous. The storm arriving could have been brought into existence in this verse. Once again there is something slightly off with lines 2 and 3. And once again it is hard for me to specify why, the "flow" is off.
Verse 3 does not work for me at all, summer shower does not link with the connotation of "lightning" which I would associate more with a storm.
Things like "leaves dance" have been used too many times. The word "while" could be left out. Roots "drink" I would always try to be factual if possible it helps the overall image.
Hope some of this helps, I really enjoyed your posts. JG
John,
Thanks for the comments. You're right about Lightning approaches not sounding right, I changed it to Thunderstorms approach and edited the first post. It still keeps the original meaning with the update, as I basically wanted to contrast the life sustaining rain with the danger of the lightning, and the life or death situation the tree must face.
It's my fault for putting all three of the poems in one post. I wrote them separately, which is why there is no consistent theme across the three. Next time, maybe I'll state that each poem is separate, or just post them separately.
I agree that cottonwood doesn't flow as well as some other trees would have. Since cottonwoods grow in very moist areas, then if they are thirsty, then rain must really be needed. The shape of the leaf is also prone to fluttering in the wind, similar to the aptly named quaking aspen. My main goal was to connect the leaves and the man with the rain dance that both were performing.
I agree that a summer shower is a totally different image than a lightning storm approaching. When I think summer shower, I think of a steady downpour, but without any danger associated with it. Again, this is my fault for posting the three poems together.
Markworth
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