Flirting with disaster

[dwestmor]

Flirting with Disaster 

I'm standing on the edge of destruction. Peering over the edge I see the deep dark void into which I will fall and never be able to crawl out. 

So close to the edge it already feels like I'm falling. That sickening  sensation in which it feels as if your stomach has decided to take up residence in your feet.

How did I wind up here at the edge again? It took all that I had not to fall the first time. I promised myself I would never come back, yet here I stand flirting with disaster.

 Dancing on the edge I feel so alive, more live than I have ever felt, as if all else is but a farce. I feel the sensations rippleing through every nerveending and all I want is more

Insanity it seems, playing on this ledge where my fate is not my own. Insanity to trust that he will not let me fall when he shoved me towards this edge the first time. 

The voice of reason inside my head screames at the top of its lungs for me to run. Screams with every breath of the danger that I'm in. Sometimes the voice breaks through the haze.  The annoying buzz takes shape and fear consumes me. I am almost away when with but a touch I am lured back in and the lustful part of me tells that annoying bitch to shut the hell up.

So here I stand flirting with disaster. On the edge about to fall but unable to escape. Flirting with disaster ...what a glorious way to break.

[Todd]

Hi dwestmor,

A couple comments for you:

Flirting with Disaster--While we've heard this phrase before, you have some real opportunities to exploit this title. Think if disaster was something you were actually flirting with--to pick them up. If you pushed the idea more it might be really interesting. 

I'm standing on the edge of destruction. Peering over the edge I see the deep dark void into which I will fall and never be able to crawl out.--Some issues here, there's a lot of repetition that doesn't help you the word edge is overused (I won't mention it later), and there's a lot of cliche deep dark void that also feels melodramatic and overdone. The never be able to crawl out is a bit off too because how would the speaker know that really--again reads melodramatic.

So close to the edge it already feels like I'm falling. That sickening  sensation in which it feels as if your stomach has decided to take up residence in your feet.--Condense and this might work. Feels is overused. The last phrase stomach...to feet has some possibilities.

How did I wind up here at the edge again? It took all that I had not to fall the first time. I promised myself I would never come back, yet here I stand flirting with disaster.--This all comes across with filler. Again making a construct that actually flirted with disaster as if it was someone you met at a party would probably be stronger than just the phrase. The phrase is overdone and cliched. If you tweak it by making it more literal it is salvageable and even clever.

 Dancing on the edge I feel so alive, more live than I have ever felt, as if all else is but a farce. I feel the sensations rippleing through every nerveending and all I want is more--again you need more imagery here than just this flat reportage of what's going on. There are some typos that you could clean up also (i.e., rippling, nerve ending, alive for live)

Insanity it seems, playing on this ledge where my fate is not my own. Insanity trust that he will not let me fall when he shoved me towards this edge the first time. --insanity is one of those words that is better shown through action than just stated

The voice of reason inside my head screames at the top of its lungs for me to run. Screams with every breath of the danger that I'm in. Sometimes the voice breaks through the haze.  The annoying buzz takes shape and fear consumes me. I am almost away when with but a touch I am lured back in and the lustful part of me tells that annoying bitch to shut the hell up.--voice of reason is cliche, screams has a typo in the first use here, and danger is an abstract concept. Imagery would make us actually connect with the writing. Cut this all to the essentials.

So here I stand flirting with disaster. On the edge about to fall but unable to escape. Flirting with disaster ...what a glorious way to break.

I hope some of the comments help as you consider the rewrite.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

i'm pretty much with todd on this one.

That sickening sensation in which it feels as if your stomach has decided to take up residence in your feet.
is almost a really good line. you could take part of it away and make it stronger/more to the point
That sickening sensation when your stomach decided to reside in your feet.

if you trim away the wordiness and exchange the cliches for original phrases/thought, the write will be much better. at present it seems to ramble a bit too much. look out for spelling mistakes; you have a few of them in the piece.

Flirting with Disaster 

I'm standing on the edge of destruction. Peering over the edge I see the deep dark void into which I will fall and never be able to crawl out. 

So close to the edge it already feels like I'm falling. That sickening  sensation in which it feels as if your stomach has decided to take up residence in your feet.

How did I wind up here at the edge again? It took all that I had not to fall the first time. I promised myself I would never come back, yet here I stand flirting with disaster.

 Dancing on the edge I feel so alive, more live than I have ever felt, as if all else is but a farce. I feel the sensations rippleing through every nerveending and all I want is more

Insanity it seems, playing on this ledge where my fate is not my own. Insanity to trust that he will not let me fall when he shoved me towards this edge the first time. 

The voice of reason inside my head screames at the top of its lungs for me to run. Screams with every breath of the danger that I'm in. Sometimes the voice breaks through the haze.  The annoying buzz takes shape and fear consumes me. I am almost away when with but a touch I am lured back in and the lustful part of me tells that annoying bitch to shut the hell up.

So here I stand flirting with disaster. On the edge about to fall but unable to escape. Flirting with disaster ...what a glorious way to break.