It Arrives

[QDeathstar]

I hear the crackle and feel the boom,
light flashes and I can see
your stormy eyes staring seductively.

The aroma of virga fills the air,
A gust pushes chimes, they surrender.
The storm is coming.

The first drop wets a blade of grass,
erect, ready to accept the warmth
of summer's shower.

Everything feels intense now.
The vivid lightning, thumping thunder, and torrential rain.
The storm has came.

[nb]

Hi folks!

Anyhoo...

I hear the crackle and feel the boom,
light flashes and I can see
your stormy eyes staring seductively.

The aroma of virga fills the air,
A gust pushes chimes, they surrender.
The storm is coming.

The first drop wets a blade of grass,
erect, ready to accept the warmth
of summer's shower.

Everything feels intense now.
The vivid lightning, thumping thunder, and torrential rain.
The storm has came.

Your punctuation & use of (indefinite & definite) articles, or lack thereof, appears to be random.

The storm has came.

Even though the "a" and "o" keys are rather far apart on the keyboard I have to think that this is a typo.

Who is the "you" in "your"? God? Your SO? Some sky/storm goddess? The first stanza leads me to think that you're going to be romantic, not meteorological. (Nobody, other than a professional meteorologist, is going to know what a virga is.)

Quoth Tom Hanks in Big, "I don't get it."

Whatever the point of "It Arrives" is, I think you could make it a lot better.

nb

[QDeathstar]

Thanks for reading, though I have to disagree with most of what you wrote.

Im not a professional meteorologist, and neither are you, but we both knew what virga was.


Could you be more specific about the punctuation issues. Also, I meant came.

[Todd]

Hi, a few comments for you:

I hear the crackle and feel the boom,
light flashes and I can see
your stormy eyes staring seductively.--"staring seductively" is you the writer telling us something rather than conveying it directly through the image. Either find a way to show it in the image or end the line on eyes and let the reader make of it what they will.

The aroma of virga fills the air,
A gust pushes chimes, they surrender.
The storm is coming.

The first drop wets a blade of grass,
erect, ready to accept the warmth
of summer's shower.

Everything feels intense now.
The vivid lightning, thumping thunder, and torrential rain.
The storm has came.--same issue with this entire last strophe. It's pure tell. Find a way to convey intensity in image or action not exposition. Exposition nearly always falls flat.

Just some quick thoughts.

Best,

Todd

[Tiger the Lion]

Hey QDS. I think the use of virga is fine. I often have a dictionary beside me when I read, and rarely blame that on the author.
The "your" in L3 seems ok also. I think you can personify the storm without deifying it.
In the last line "came" doesn't really work preceded by "has", but if it was intended as is I can see the effect you were going for.
I almost wish the word "vivid" appeared one line sooner. Although it presents the problem of qualifying "lightning" with a new word in the next line, I think "Everything is vivid now" is more what you wanted to say. Of course, that's all just opinion and personal taste. Great read.
Thanks for sharing, Paul

[nb]

Hey...

Im not a professional meteorologist, and neither are you, but we both knew what virga was.

I had to look it up (even though my brother is a professional meterologist, really).

The aroma of virga fills the air,
A gust pushes chimes, they surrender.
The storm is coming.

The first drop wets a blade of grass,
erect, ready to accept the warmth
of summer's shower.

Everything feels intense now.
The vivid lightning, thumping thunder, and torrential rain.
The storm has came.

How about...

The aroma of a virga fills the air,
a gust pushes chimes; they surrender.
The storm is coming.

The first drop wets a blade of grass,
erect, ready to accept the warmth
of summer's shower.

Everything feels intense now:
The vivid lightning, thumping thunder, and torrential rain.
The storm has come.

I still think that there is a disconnect between "your stormy eyes staring seductively" and the rest of the poem. Who are you addressing?

nb

[bena]

I get this as a seductive piece directed to Mother Nature, or Mother Earth and her glory, although I could be wrong (been wrong before)
At any rate:


It Arrives
I hear the crackle and feel the boom, light flashes and I can see
your stormy eyes staring seductively.
The aroma of virga fills the air,
A gust pushes chimes, they surrender.
The storm is coming.
The first drop wets a blade of grass,
erect, ready to accept the warmth
of summer's shower.

Everything feels intense now.
The vivid lightning, thumping thunder, and torrential rain.
The storm has came.

The verb "came" you have gotten comments on, I get. (more sexual double entendre) but it does read kind of awkwardly. Overall I really enjoyed the read.

bena

PS --funny note...first time I read virga as viagra.

[LorettaYoung]

Thanks for reading, though I have to disagree with most of what you wrote.

Im not a professional meteorologist, and neither are you, but we both knew what virga was.


Could you be more specific about the punctuation issues. Also, I meant came.

---

Hi Q: I see the storm as a dominant metaphor for those seductive eyes; which I agree you should embellish. I think the "storm came"is correct and also sounds better. Otherwise, I enjoyed the read. Loretta

[QDeathstar]

Thank you bena et all for your comments, I think several of them might be helpful.


Here is an edit:

I hear the crackle and feel the boom,
light flashes and I can see
your stormy eyes staring seductively.

The aroma of virga fills the air;
A gust pushes chimes, they surrender.
The storm is coming.

The first drop wets a blade of grass,
erect, ready to accept the warmth
of summer's shower.

Everything feels intense now:
the vibrating thunder, throbbing lighting, and dripping rain.
The storm has came.






I had also considered this as a closing stanza:

Every experience intense now:
the vibrating thunder, throbbing lighting, and wetting rain.
The storm came.


Then left.

---

The problem I have with changing it from "has came" to "came" is that the first sentence of the stanza is in present tense... While "came" would be in past tense.

[QDeathstar]

Does anyone have any opinions on the edit?


Also, for mods, if you post something in "novice critique" and decide you want "serious critique" should you just make a new topic, or ask to have it moved?

[Rented Room]

I don't know if it is just me, but I took this to be a very sexual poem. Is the weather perhaps not just a metaphor for love, but also for... wanting to make it? My apologies if my interpretation is too lewd. I found this poem did a wonderful job to convey an emotion of lust or love for some sort of woman. Maybe you did not intend for this double meaning, but I think that it fits quite well.

I'm also getting irregular heart palpitations from this poem, especially the edit. But I'm not finding it seductively sexy. I think the final verse is the biggest problem for me. When I read "the vibrating thunder, throbbing lighting, and wetting rain," all I can think is that it's just a handful of nouns away from my next internet search. I suggest a change of verbs or maybe a complete verse change.

The line "your stormy eyes staring seductively" seems like a pivotal one but, as Todd points out, everything it has to say is on the surface. Try making the words sexy and seductive, rather than using words about sex and seduction.

[QDeathstar]

Could you elaborate on what you mean by "handful of nouns"?



Thanks for reading.

[Rented Room]

Could you elaborate on what you mean by "handful of nouns"?

That was a bit tongue in cheek. I meant that the line sounded pornographic rather than seductive or sexy.

[QDeathstar]

Ahh. Cool.