Winded (edit#1)

[Tiger the Lion]

First edit. Thx to Chris/John/Billy ---Still struggling. Feels like putting a seat belt on a gnat.

Winded edit#1

Deflating yet celebrating
the manic time
that was
our yesterday.
Now every day
is yesterday
because
I won't deflate entirely,
while you inspire me
to take
a deep
breath.


Trying to figure out how to package this.

Winded

Deflating and yet celebrating
the manic time, that was
just yesterday, and every day
is yesterday, because
I won't deflate entirely,
not while you still inspire me to
take
a deep
breath.

[ChristopherSea]

TTL, Great title and I like your little poem that speaks volumes.

Would ‘while’ play any better than ‘and yet’ (I'm not sure)? You don’t need the comma after time. ‘Just’ is always a bit weak, why not ‘our’? Could you make it more personal by saying,: ‘I want everyday to be yesterday…’ Perhaps, ‘I would never deflate entirely,…’ ‘still’ is another ‘ify’ like 'just'. Maybe, …to be breathe deeply’ or ‘take deep breaths.’

As for the packaging, you could try to center align it into a funnel cloud. Let me try it, if I could be so bold to play with the shape:

Winded


Deflating and yet celebrating

the manic time that was our

yesterday, and I want each

day to be like yesterday,


as I would never deflate


entirely, not while


you inspire me


to take deep


breaths.

I like concrete poems, see what you think. (Thanks for all the kind help with my work)/Chris

[John Galt]

This could still be cut a little more for tightness. Different punctuation would be needed. The internal rhyme comes out better I think.
The "and "in line 1 could go.
"Just" line 3 could go, and the "and" from line 3.
The line break in line 6 flows better with the break on "me."

Enjoyed the read.
JG

[Tiger the Lion]

Chris and John. Thank you for reading and making some great suggestions. I don't take this piece too seriously, but someone posted a poem about manic depression the other day so I dug this one out of the closet. I like the concrete/center aligned idea. Been shuffling words around ever since. Some of the "small" words are a function of the rhythm I want, so I'm a bit careful with them. I need it to remain one long sentence because at the end of it I am trying to cue the reader "to take a deep breath"
I hope that makes some sense. Thanks again guys. - Paul

[billy]

a suggestion;

not while you still inspire me to
take
a deep
breath.

while you inspire me
to breathe.
deeply

if you tighten a poem up as much as the poem needs it you'll keep the reader longer. there still a few places where you can tighten up

Trying to figure out how to package this. in general i prefer left adjust and some sort of visual symmetry. or at least no lines that stick out. in longer poems maybe, but as a short poem you need to make it as word frugal as possible

Winded

Deflating and yet celebrating no need for and
the manic time, that was
just yesterday, and every day
is yesterday, because
I won't deflate entirely,
not while you still inspire me to
take
a deep
breath.

[loocerie]

I especially enjoyed your play on words with "deflate" and "breath" and it seems to capture the essence of your poem.