Posts: 16
Threads: 4
Joined: Mar 2014
Listen real good'
For better purpose,
Ignorance straightened curved learning,
Adding value to knowledge,
For not just those conscience
but
For those draped,
The misunderstanding,
Along with,
projectors of Dark Sided perception
Relevantly known as "tunnel visionaries"
or
Mirror effective's
Even,
Obsessive self reflectors.
Driven by;
Motivation,
Absorption,
And
Inclusive personal direction,
Irrelevance of the facts,
Cracks when slipped through
Fallacy cheerfully abducts,
Leaving Solo bereavement,
Grieving a personality
One less of tangent cross point.
Likewise in ignorance,
Observations hold true
In
Contempt contradiction,
Mind the narrow,
Thoughts filter out.
Personally
I lie with the world,
The world lies with me,
I lie to my fellows,
Holding onto these three,
Egotism, arrogance and hypocrisy,
hate those of minds free,
I fold to the blinded
Ignorance is my reality.
My thoughts aare one sided.
Posts: 1,827
Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
I like this part:
"I lie with the world,
The world lies with me,
I lie to my fellows,
Holding onto these three,
Egotism, arrogance and hypocrisy,
hate those of minds free,
I fold to the blinded
Ignorance is my reality.
My thoughts aare one sided."
I think I would make that the poem.
If I were not doing a crit, you would have lost me at the first line.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 298
Threads: 45
Joined: Jul 2014
(07-05-2014, 09:49 PM)WordJunky Wrote: Listen real good'
For better purpose,
"Listen real close,
for better purpose" ?
Ignorance straightened curved learning,
Adding value to knowledge,
For not just those conscience
"for not just those conscious" ?
but
For those draped,
The misunderstanding,
Along with,
projectors of Dark Sided perception
Relevantly known as "tunnel visionaries"
or
Mirror effective's
Even,
Obsessive self reflectors.
Driven by;
Motivation,
Absorption,
And
Inclusive personal direction,
Irrelevance of the facts,
Cracks when slipped through
Fallacy cheerfully abducts,
Leaving Solo bereavement,
Grieving a personality
One less of tangent cross point.
Likewise in ignorance,
Observations hold true
In
Contempt contradiction,
Mind the narrow,
Thoughts filter out.
Personally
I lie with the world,
The world lies with me,
I lie to my fellows,
Holding onto these three,
Egotism, arrogance and hypocrisy,
hate those of minds free,
I fold to the blinded
Ignorance is my reality.
My thoughts aare one sided.
OK, just two proposals, at the moment have nothing more to offer.
Like the theme of your poem
Posts: 17
Threads: 4
Joined: Jul 2014
(07-05-2014, 09:49 PM)WordJunky Wrote: Listen real good'
For better purpose,
Ignorance straightened curved learning,
Adding value to knowledge,
For not just those conscience
but
For those draped,
The misunderstanding,
Along with,
projectors of Dark Sided perception
Relevantly known as "tunnel visionaries"
or
Mirror effective's
Even,
Obsessive self reflectors.
Driven by;
Motivation,
Absorption,
And
Inclusive personal direction,
Irrelevance of the facts,
Cracks when slipped through
Fallacy cheerfully abducts,
Leaving Solo bereavement,
Grieving a personality
One less of tangent cross point.
Likewise in ignorance,
Observations hold true
In
Contempt contradiction,
Mind the narrow,
Thoughts filter out.
Personally
I lie with the world,
The world lies with me,
I lie to my fellows,
Holding onto these three,
Egotism, arrogance and hypocrisy,
hate those of minds free,
I fold to the blinded
Ignorance is my reality.
My thoughts aare one sided.
It's exciting and pace-y. Maybe add a little more line structure to help your readers hear not just what you're saying but to add levels. By combing some lists and lines you set up more opportunity for contrasting and comparing your concepts.
Posts: 9
Threads: 1
Joined: Jul 2014
I got really lost in what this poem was about. I lost interest very quickly. The choppiness where you break the lines makes it difficult to read and understand. I, too, love the last bit, and I like the ideas you have here, but I might suggest compounding some of the lines or adding to a few of them to clarify what you're talking about. Maybe.
Posts: 126
Threads: 28
Joined: Aug 2014
hi there. i will echo some of the previous commentary and say that i too like that very last stanza. it's really where the poem begins and ends for me...
that said, this feels like two different poems to me, or at least two different writing sessions smashed together. the first two thirds are compelling but seem to be a lot of phrasings strung together in a manner that lacks cohesion, and frankly, they don't match the poetics of that final stanza.
the first section seems angrier to me and wants to be yelled from the stage, while the finale of the poem is quieter, softer, more thoughtful, and ultimately strong enough to carry itself, or at least be the start of something really beautiful. i would extract it and let it shine, clean up the wordiness and errant punctuation of the first two thirds if you want to salvage that, and post each separately.
just some suggestions to use or lose. my advice sells for zero on the world market 
NietzscheKeen
Unregistered
To echo, it does sound like two separate poems; the last stanza stands alone.
To echo again, I had a very hard time reading the first two stanzas, if I wasn't critiquing I would have stopped after a few lines. The choppiness ruined what would have been enjoyable. While I appreciate the occasional poem that makes me have to think to figure out what it's saying, usually those are employing metaphor etc. This was just confusing and seemed incomplete. You'll have to fill in the gaps if you want me to be interested.
For example S1: L1-8 If it doesn't change the intended meaning, I would replace "The misunderstanding" with "With misunderstanding." Maybe take the time to write the poem out like prose and see if it still makes sense.
|
