Short Poem Derived From a Haiku Attempt

[ajcohen613]

Cold Stew

Cold Stew

Her reading light is on
when he returns home at night
to cold stew waiting at the dining table.
Like a recently scolded beagle,
he eats his neglected dinner alone,
graceless slurping and shuffling loafers
are heard in their bedroom.
What he doesn’t tell her;
what she might prefer to keep from herself
is scribbled on a bar receipt in his back pocket,
marked by the foreign scent on his neck.
Another long day at the firm, honey.
She turns off her reading light
and lays down at his side,
imagining scenarios in which they are lovers
to the tune of his violent snoring.



*Here's the haiku I wrote that became this short poem.

"Her light is still on
when he returns home at night
to cold stew longing."

[KatBrown]

I know nothing of this style of poem which may be why I am having some confusion, but on L3 it seems that the cold stew is the one experiencing the longing and on L7 it seems that the bedroom is the one hearing the shuffling of the loafers. Is this the intent in these lines? I get that he's home late so he's eating alone and that he's dragging his feet to the bedroom because her light is still on and he's avoiding the awkwardness of both of them avoiding the reality of an affair, but the middle section about dinner and slippers seems a little clumsy. Again, I don't know how this type of poem is supposed to work so it could just be me...

[ajcohen613]

This is not a "style" of poem in particular. Longing is added after cold stew because it would be too obvious to add that the woman is longing - the stew is a medium for the way she feels: the longing and loneliness that accompanies a dishonest marriage. And "heard in their bedroom" is different than "heard by their bedroom." The bedroom is not doing the hearing and I'm not sure how you arrived at that reading.

[KatBrown]

Cool, totally get stew as a medium now. Please don't take any of what I write personally. Honestly, I'm so new to this and feel very unqualified to express most of the opinions I put out there, but since this is part of the process I'm simply doing my best to partake.

[ajcohen613]

Cool, totally get stew as a medium now. Please don't take any of what I write personally. Honestly, I'm so new to this and feel very unqualified to express most of the opinions I put out there, but since this is part of the process I'm simply doing my best to partake.

That's ok! Not offended at all. Keep at it.

[Erthona]

ajcohen613,,

I think there are some extraneous lines/phrases/ words, that are either not needed as they point is implied, or distract from the point of the poem.

"Like a worried dog, he sits.
Alone, he eats his stew
neglecting to warm it up."

to

"Like a worried dog he sits,
and eats his cold stew."
____________________________________________________________
One might get away with this in Haiku but in a longer poem it really makes little sense:

"to cold stew longing at the dining table."

The insertion of the word "longing" looses it's meaning/impact in a longer sentence. In the haiku it is passable because of it's proximity to her. However its use here, makes it seem that the stew is longing, without any connection to her or their relationship.

I do like the last two lines (the two before them could be paired down)

"is scribbled on a bar receipt in his back pocket, (best line in the poem, succinct and very meaningful)
the smell on his neck - not his own."

I think I might try playing with "scent" instead of "smell". I'm not sure about the hyphen, I found it visually disrupted to the reading.

All in all a decent poem with a small need of trimming and tightening.

Dale

[ajcohen613]

ajcohen613,,

I think there are some extraneous lines/phrases/ words, that are either not needed as they point is implied, or distract from the point of the poem.

"Like a worried dog, he sits.
Alone, he eats his stew
neglecting to warm it up."

to

"Like a worried dog he sits,
and eats his cold stew."
____________________________________________________________
One might get away with this in Haiku but in a longer poem it really makes little sense:

"to cold stew longing at the dining table."

The insertion of the word "longing" looses it's meaning/impact in a longer sentence. In the haiku it is passable because of it's proximity to her. However its use here, makes it seem that the stew is longing, without any connection to her or their relationship.

I do like the last two lines (the two before them could be paired down)

"is scribbled on a bar receipt in his back pocket, (best line in the poem, succinct and very meaningful)
the smell on his neck - not his own."

I think I might try playing with "scent" instead of "smell". I'm not sure about the hyphen, I found it visually disrupted to the reading.

All in all a decent poem with a small need of trimming and tightening.

Dale

Duly noted. I'm on break at the pizza place I work at but I'll be editing this later on. We'll see how it goes!

[billy]

Cold Stew

Her reading light is still on
when he returns home at night
to cold stew longing at the dining table.
Like a worried dog, he sits.
Alone, he eats his stew
neglecting to warm it up.
His graceless slurping and shuffling loafers
are heard in their bedroom.
What he doesn’t tell her,
what she prefers to keep from herself
is scribbled on a bar receipt in his back pocket,
the smell on his neck - not his own.

*Here's the haiku I wrote that became this short poem.

"Her light is still on
when he returns home at night
to cold stew longing."

the haiku has more of a senryu feel
there doesn't seem to be a cut point in it

a suggestion would be

cold stew for dinner
or
cold stew for supper

there's nothing stopping you doing the haiku here and the longer poem in one of the other forums. with the haiku as the inspiration

[bena]

What you have here is a haibun...a short poem, or prose piece that ends on a haiku that gets to the heart of what needed to be said. As a haibun, I love it. As just a haiku alone, I think it paints an incomplete picture (at least for me it did.)

There are lots of Japanese forms to explore, and I'm sure you'll do well at all of them. After all, you seem to have that reflective zen-like quality that no one can teach already down.

[ajcohen613]

Cold Stew

Her reading light is still on
when he returns home at night
to cold stew longing at the dining table.
Like a worried dog, he sits.
Alone, he eats his stew
neglecting to warm it up.
His graceless slurping and shuffling loafers
are heard in their bedroom.
What he doesn’t tell her,
what she prefers to keep from herself
is scribbled on a bar receipt in his back pocket,
the smell on his neck - not his own.




*Here's the haiku I wrote that became this short poem.

"Her light is still on
when he returns home at night
to cold stew longing."

*Here's my 2nd go after some suggestions were made. Let me know your thoughts! Still playing with the last line.

Cold Stew

Her reading light is still on
when he returns home at night
to cold stew waiting at the dining table.
Like a worried beagle,
he sits and eats his neglected dinner.
His graceless slurping and shuffling loafers
are heard in their bedroom.
What he doesn’t tell her -
what she might prefer to keep from herself
is scribbled on a bar receipt in his back pocket,
marked by the foreign scent on his neck.

[Magpie]

Hi, I like the edit that you have done here it has cleaned the poem up nicely.

I would just say briefly that when doing edits it best to alter your original post and putting the edited version first followed by the original. Here is a link to the bit explains it better than me.

http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/announcements.php?aid=26

Also, I agree with Bena about this being a Haibun and it is well worth investigating Haibun as a possibility for the future.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Haibun

[Dupuis]

I agree with Erthona that the first part of the poem could benefit from being tightened (perhaps even more than in your edit). For example, you convey that it is late at night in the first line, so perhaps it is unnecessary to mention it again in the second line. Similarly, the third line perfectly conveys that he has neglected his dinner, making the fifth line feel a bit redundant. The middle section could then be whittled down to something like:

Like a worried beagle,
he sits and eats,
his graceless slurping and shuffling loafers
heard in their bedroom.

Also a small point on punctuation (I am a bit sensitive about punctuation): in the two spots where you use a hyphen, you should really be using a dash.

I just joined the forum today, so I apologize if this criticism is overreaching in any way. I have yet to get a feel for the mores of the site.

[ajcohen613]

I agree with Erthona that the first part of the poem could benefit from being tightened (perhaps even more than in your edit). For example, you convey that it is late at night in the first line, so perhaps it is unnecessary to mention it again in the second line. Similarly, the third line perfectly conveys that he has neglected his dinner, making the fifth line feel a bit redundant. The middle section could then be whittled down to something like:

Like a worried beagle,
he sits and eats,
his graceless slurping and shuffling loafers
heard in their bedroom.

Also a small point on punctuation (I am a bit sensitive about punctuation): in the two spots where you use a hyphen, you should really be using a dash.

I just joined the forum today, so I apologize if this criticism is overreaching in any way. I have yet to get a feel for the mores of the site.

Thanks for the critique. I've made some edits and am curious as to what you think.

[Erthona]

In regards to the hyphen or dash, if you mean for it to be parenthetical without using parenthesize the part should be enclosed by em dashes, such as:

"What he doesn’t tell her
—what she might prefer to keep from herself—
is scribbled on a bar receipt in his back pocket..."


dale the post parenthetical

[ajcohen613]

In regards to the hyphen or dash, if you mean for it to be parenthetical without using parenthesize the part should be enclosed by em dashes, such as:

"What he doesn’t tell her
—what she might prefer to keep from herself—
is scribbled on a bar receipt in his back pocket..."


dale the post parenthetical

Good to know. Admittedly, grammar usually takes a back seat when I'm writing poetry.

[Erthona]

"Admittedly, grammar usually takes a back seat when I'm writing poetry. "

Yeah, that's one of the reasons why I started out in poetry. I thought I didn't need to know grammar. Like most of my suppositions at that time in my life, I was wrong.

You don't need to suffer for your art, grammar is pain enough

dale