So, I tried for a haibun.

[ajcohen613]

*Hopefully this counts (?)


Such Nights

The constellations are pulsating. She walks to him through the crowd on the porch. Her eyes meander, emerald wind chimes quivering in his rippling copper puddles. She asks him stale questions about himself seeking the cool calm of a babbling brook in his throat. A fly visits her lower lip while he conjures confidence in fragments, notices the speck, struggles to ignore it and mumbles something about his favorite color. Her green. He knocks his wine on to her pale slippers, a sloppy apology, maroon stained concrete. Together hovering awake under the spell of staring, wading in secluded waters, collecting each other’s crescent shaped pebbles in clammy grips. The sun should not rise after such nights.

Shirt stuck to his chest
Swallowing two glowing hearts
Choking on her moon

[ajcohen613]

Curious for feedback

[billy]

while a haiku is short form the haibun is rather longer, and probably best placed in one of the other forums we have. i'm not sure the haiku is a haiku ( i can't see it as one, maybe it's a senryu)
the prose part is definitely prose though it reads a little on the heavy side. the last line does however tie to prose nicely into the short poem

*Hopefully this counts (?)


Such Nights

The constellations are pulsating. She walks to him through the crowd on the porch. Her eyes meander, emerald wind chimes quivering in his rippling cooper puddles. She asks him stale questions about himself seeking the cool calm of a babbling brook in his throat. A fly visits her lower lip while he conjures confidence in fragments, notices the speck, struggles to ignore it and mumbles something about his favorite color. Her green. He knocks his wine on to her pale slippers, a sloppy apology, maroon stained concrete. Together hovering awake under the spell of staring, wading in secluded waters, collecting each other’s crescent shaped pebbles in clammy grips. The sun should not rise after such nights.

Shirt stuck to his chest
Swallowing two glowing hearts
Choking on her moon

[ajcohen613]

while a haiku is short form the haibun is rather longer, and probably best placed in one of the other forums we have. i'm not sure the haiku is a haiku ( i can't see it as one, maybe it's a senryu)
the prose part is definitely prose though it reads a little on the heavy side. the last line does however tie to prose nicely into the short poem

*Hopefully this counts (?)


Such Nights

The constellations are pulsating. She walks to him through the crowd on the porch. Her eyes meander, emerald wind chimes quivering in his rippling cooper puddles. She asks him stale questions about himself seeking the cool calm of a babbling brook in his throat. A fly visits her lower lip while he conjures confidence in fragments, notices the speck, struggles to ignore it and mumbles something about his favorite color. Her green. He knocks his wine on to her pale slippers, a sloppy apology, maroon stained concrete. Together hovering awake under the spell of staring, wading in secluded waters, collecting each other’s crescent shaped pebbles in clammy grips. The sun should not rise after such nights.

Shirt stuck to his chest
Swallowing two glowing hearts
Choking on her moon

Thanks for the reply. What is senryu? Also, what do you mean by the prose being heavy? It definitely was not meant to be straightforward narrative in style. Regardless of what "it" is, did you enjoy the read?

[billy]

heavy as in overloaded, with "her eyes meander" i automatically thought "she's cross eyed" sorry but it is true.
i didn't hate it by any means but it not a poem i'd want to read twice were it in a book. it didn't hold me.

a senryu is more geared toward the human condition than being a captured moment
google is your friend

[ellajam]

Here's a thread on Senryu from the Poetry Discussion Forum with some explanation links. There's also a thread pinned to the top of this forum with links to senryu vs haiku.

[ajcohen613]

Thanks all. Seems like I have some improving to do.

[John Galt]

Thanks all. Seems like I have some improving to do.

Here is a link for you. JG

http://www.haibuntoday.com/