[EDIT 3.56] To brighten the flame

[QDeathstar]

I was inspired by Bena's post in the "new members" forum in the topic "How bright the flame".
Edit 3

Damp sand drags on motionless feet as
the sun bows to greet an embracing horizon -
I'm lost in dim light searching for a second part,
Soon I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

Twilights without warmth or shelter -
void of glowing embers gilded in rapture,
remain a nightmare of all men still walking.
Vainly I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

The sun is such a perverted provocateur
warming us to the notion of waning lust.
It's suggestive rays slipping through dusk.
Still I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

My walk slows as the sun sets behind flowing waves,
the fading light steals my vision of night's intent,
I'm left to fumble with my steel trying to strike a flint,
Yet I hope to find a flame flickering in the dark.

Its not that flames surrender, Its that they never start.

edit 2

Finding myself walking along alone with the sand
envious of light's fade into the embracing horizon -
It's not that kindling surrenders; it merely lacks a start.
Yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

The sun is such a perverted provocateur
warming us to the notion of lustful wanting,
before hiding away while the lonely huddle at dusk.
Yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

Twilights without warmth or shelter -
void of glowing embers gilded in rapture,
remain a nightmare of all men still walking.
Yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

My walk slows as the sun sets behind flowing waves,
the fading light steals my vision of her intent,
I'm left to fumble with my steel trying to find her flint,
Yet I hope we brighten the flame before it's dark.


Edit 1

Walking together alone with the sand
our light gently lowering to meet the horizon.
It's not that flames surrender; only that they never start,
Yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

Twilights without warmth or shelter -
void of glowing embers gilded in rapture,
remain a nightmare of all men still walking;
Yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

The sun is such a perverted provocateur
warming us to the notion of lustful wanting,
before hiding away while the lonely huddle at dusk;
Yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

Our walk slows as the sun sets behind flowing waves,
the fading light steals my vision of your intent,
I'm left to fumble with my steel trying to find your flint;
Yet I hope we brighten the flame before it's dark.



I had also considered

"Yet I hope we brighten the flame even in the dark."

As the last line, but it just didnt sound right imo.

Original

Walking along together alone with the sand
our light gently lowering to meet the horizon.
It's not that flames surrender only that they never start,
yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

A twilight without warmth or shelter
lacking flickering fluttering light for protection
Is a haunting nightmare of all men still walking,
yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

The sun is such a perverted provocateur
Warming us to the notion of lustful wanting;
too often leaving frigid failure while falling at dusk,
Yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

Our walk slows as the sun sets behind the crash of waves.
The fading light steals my vision of your intent.
I'm left to fumble with my steel trying to find your flint,
yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

[bena]

Awesome! I'm glad someone took the challenge on! In my over-analytical mind (which is not a good thing) I saw what I thought read 'how to bright the flame' and while grammatically incorrect I immediately went to --could be play on words-bright as a verb-rolls off the tongue like light which is bright and therefore a mental internal rhyme that doesn't even exist on the page- and then the scientific part clicked in-a flame is only as bright as the elements burning, and once burning, won't get brighter unless you add another catalyst. So this could be used with love as the obvious metaphor, but really could taken anywhere.

This is a small glimpse into how my brain works at times, and yes, it sometimes is scary.

I'm not great at crit on rhyme poems, but I can say that I adore this line:
"The sun is such a perverted provocateur"


Great job =)

bena

[SomeRandom]

I was inspired by Bena's post in the "new members" forum in the topic "How bright the flame".

Walking along together alone with the sand
our light gently lowering to meet the horizon.
It's not that flames surrender only that they never start,
yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

^This was my favourite stanza. I like the idea of being alone with the sand; it painted a rather intimate image in my head. I would switch the word "lowering" with "sinking", because
a. I like the word better
b. it reduces the second line to 12 syllables (same as the first)
I enjoyed the third line and to me the combination of the 3rd and 4th was the best ending to any of the stanzas, beautiful combination in my opinion.

A twilight without warmth or shelter
lacking flickering fluttering light for protection
Is a haunting nightmare of all men still walking,
yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

This was my least favourite stanza. I liked the first line, once again I felt it was a strong image with not a lot of words. A twilight that's cold and lacks shelter (implying one seeks shelter) has a lot of feelings associated with it. The survival instinct is there, feeling cold, needing a place to hide. It's primal and unforgiving. That being said, I didn't like what followed. The second line felt really clunky, I read it over a few times and I couldn't get over it. I think you can impose the idea of the light being protective in a more subtle way, especially without using the word "protective".

The sun is such a perverted provocateur
Warming us to the notion of lustful wanting;
too often leaving frigid failure while falling at dusk,
Yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

I liked the alliteration. Maybe "desire" would be a better word than "wanting" also you would have three "d" sound endings.

Our walk slows as the sun sets behind the crash of waves.
The fading light steals my vision of your intent.
I'm left to fumble with my steel trying to find your flint,
yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

The mention of crashing waves seemed forced and/or out of context. It didn't match the image I had in my head while reading the rest of the poem. More good alliteration here. Lots of 's' sounds in the first line especially. I like the idea of the walk coming to some sort of ending which works nicely with the fading sun (receding light seems to be a theme?). Hope was another good theme and I thought the ending was good because it wraps up the major feelings of the poem well, the grasping for strength/hope, the fleeting desire.

I'm a newbie to poetry, so maybe I have no clue what I'm talking about, but hopefully that was of some use to you.

[QDeathstar]

Thank you for the detailed response, somerandom.

I agree with what you said about the second stanza, but ever since I read Poe's "flutter flutter you are the utter" line in "infatuation" i really wanted to use flutter(ing) in a poem. Not the best plan or use of the word i suppose. The second stanza needs to be redone.

[billy]

it reas like a well thought out poem, the refrain is solid and can be tweaked in each stanza to make each refrain unique, yes, i guess it's a new oxymoron i think a little more punctuation would help but on the whole i saw little wrong with it apart from an odd nit.

I was inspired by Bena's post in the "new members" forum in the topic "How bright the flame".

Walking along together alone with the sand [together,] no need for along, it's a given and detracts form an otherwise good opening line.
our light gently lowering to meet the horizon.
It's not that flames surrender only that they never start, i think you need a semi colon after [surrender} as it's the first part of a two part line, (second clause) i think.
yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.
i enjoyed the 1st stanza, the the feel of sunset and at this point the hope of something passionate.

A twilight without warmth or shelter
lacking flickering fluttering light for protection too many [ings] that need comma's a suggestion: lacks the flicker of fluttering light
Is a haunting nightmare of all men still walking, i'm taking this as [searching, in this case fore love]
yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark. i like the refrain, it has just the right amount of ambiguity, a suggestion would be to use punctuation to slightly alter it in each stanza.

The sun is such a perverted provocateur nice [p's] great line, there's nothing like sex under a warm sun...unless it's anywhere else
Warming us to the notion of lustful wanting; i was so worried i'd missread the earlier part of the poem but i didn't, it shows the ambiguity isn't to much
too often leaving frigid failure while falling at dusk, for me the [f's] are one too many in this instance.
Yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

Our walk slows as the sun sets behind the crash of waves.
The fading light steals my vision of your intent.
I'm left to fumble with my steel trying to find your flint, on it's own this is a mediocre line, but as a follow up to the refrain it's really good. we know the poems about an end of day leg-over so the simile is almost perfect for the next line.
yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

[QDeathstar]

Thank you for your comments, billy. I have posted an edit.

Walking together alone with the sand
our light gently lowering to meet the horizon.
It's not that flames surrender; only that they never start,
Yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

Twilights without warmth or shelter -
void of glowing embers gilded in rapture,
remain a nightmare of all men still walking.
Yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

The sun is such a perverted provocateur
warming us to the notion of lustful wanting,
before hiding away while the lonely huddle at dusk.
Yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

Our walk slows as the sun sets behind flowing waves,
the fading light steals my vision of your intent,
I'm left to fumble with my steel trying to find your flint,
Yet I hope we brighten the flame even in the dark.

[just mercedes]

I'm tripped a bit in the first line by 'together alone'.

[billy]

good edit Q, still a little more to do i think but you're definitely getting there.

I was inspired by Bena's post in the "new members" forum in the topic "How bright the flame".

Edit 1

Walking together alone with the sand together alone spoils the starting line and that's arguably the most important line you have. you also say with the stand as though the sand is walking with you? a suggestion would [on] or [in the sand]
our light gently lowering to meet the horizon.
It's not that flames surrender; only that they never start, you have flames in the refrain,a suggestion would be to use a simile
Yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

Twilights without warmth or shelter -
void of glowing embers gilded in rapture,
remain a nightmare of all men still walking;
Yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

The sun is such a perverted provocateur
warming us to the notion of lustful wanting,
before hiding away while the lonely huddle at dusk;
Yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

Our walk slows as the sun sets behind flowing waves,
the fading light steals my vision of your intent,
I'm left to fumble with my steel trying to find your flint;
Yet I hope we brighten the flame before it's dark.



I had also considered

"Yet I hope we brighten the flame even in the dark." a suggestion would be [to raise the flame before it's dark]

As the last line, but it just didnt sound right imo.





Original

Walking along together alone with the sand
our light gently lowering to meet the horizon.
It's not that flames surrender only that they never start,
yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

A twilight without warmth or shelter
lacking flickering fluttering light for protection
Is a haunting nightmare of all men still walking,
yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

The sun is such a perverted provocateur
Warming us to the notion of lustful wanting;
too often leaving frigid failure while falling at dusk,
Yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

Our walk slows as the sun sets behind the crash of waves.
The fading light steals my vision of your intent.
I'm left to fumble with my steel trying to find your flint,
yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

[QDeathstar]

Edit 3:

Finding myself walking along alone with the sand
envious of light's fade into the embracing horizon -
It's not that kindling surrenders; it merely lacks a start.
Yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

The sun is such a perverted provocateur
warming us to the notion of lustful wanting,
before hiding away while the lonely huddle at dusk.
Yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

Twilights without warmth or shelter -
void of glowing embers gilded in rapture,
remain a nightmare of all men still walking.
Yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

My walk slows as the sun sets behind flowing waves,
the fading light steals my vision of her intent,
I'm left to fumble with my steel trying to find her flint,
Yet I hope we brighten the flame before it's dark.

[milo]

well, it is in novice so there are limits to what we can say or do. It is encumbered by filler and inefficient baggage. Consider the first line:

Finding myself walking along alone with the sand

"Finding, myself and along" add nothing. The line is more effective, immediate communication as:

"Walking alone with the sand"

I think you should consider reading through it and deciding if each word adds to the poem or merely sits there taking up space.

Thanks for posting.

Good luck.

[QDeathstar]

Thank you for the read, Milo.

I would move it into serious crit if i should, and i guess i have to admit that there are some filler words but i dont think "finding myself walking alone " and "walking alone" have the same meaning.

[just mercedes]

Good edit. Still lots of ing's in your poem - I'd like to see some more active verb forms. I'm not sure what 'her intent' is, or who 'she' is - the sun, or the loved one?

[ajcohen613]

Edit 3:

Finding myself walking along alone with the sand / Along feels unnecessary; the alliteration isn't worth the needless word.
envious of light's fade into the embracing horizon -/ "Light's fade" sounds odd to me. You might be able to phrase this better.
It's not that kindling surrenders; it merely lacks a start.
Yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

The sun is such a perverted provocateur
warming us to the notion of lustful wanting, / Maybe just lust?
before hiding away while the lonely huddle at dusk. "the lonely" doesn't work for me; it's too vaguely all-encompassing. The lonely..what, specifically?
Yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark. Yet?

Twilights without warmth or shelter -
void of glowing embers gilded in rapture, I like how this line sounds.
remain a nightmare of all men still walking.
Yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

My walk slows as the sun sets behind flowing waves,
the fading light steals my vision of her intent, / Seems repetitive to restate "fading light / light's fade"
I'm left to fumble with my steel trying to find her flint,
Yet I hope we brighten the flame before it's dark.

I think you definitely have something here. Just keep tweaking it a bit, mostly shave off those unnecessary words and find more concise and effective ways to phrase what you are trying to say. Keep at it!

[QDeathstar]

Thank you for moving this, Milo, and thanks for the read aj, I agree with many of your points. I knew, for example, that "lights fade" sounded awkward but nothing else seemed to stick, ill have to think on it.

[billy]

for me (as i've come to learn from others on the site0 that first line is major in holding the readers attention, at present it doesn't, it's too wordy and has some word choice issues
first off lets break the bugger of a line down:


Finding myself walking along alone with the sand
why are you finding yourself are you lost?
myself and alone are pretty much the same thing
at present the only thing solid is the sand and even that is a common word.
can it be added to or altered with a modifier?

a suggestion to get you thinking about creating an image of what at present you're just telling.
solitary steps form small puddles on the beach

and the second line which is where the reader will probably decide to read on or move onto another poem:

envious of light's fade into the embracing horizon
at present it reads awkwardly
I envy the fading light that seeps over the dim horizon

the two lines together read as;

solitary steps form shallow puddles on the beach
I envy the fading light that seeps over the dim horizon

you could start with [our steps ] or my [steps]
the next line could be [we envy]

depending on whose there. you have a hundred ways to show the image

make a coupe of words on a line start with the same letter, make some have a similar sound at beginning or end of the words, vary it so some times the consonants sound the same and on the next line make the vowels sound the same. (take a look in the class room forum near the bottom of the page.

even in serious i'm think go a step or a few steps at a time. the thing with taking advice is that if you do, you can always change your mind afterwards. good look with the editing

Thank you for moving this, Milo, and thanks for the read aj, I agree with many of your points. I knew, for example, that "lights fade" sounded awkward but nothing else seemed to stick, ill have to think on it.

[milo]

Thank you for the read, Milo.

I would move it into serious crit if i should, and i guess i have to admit that there are some filler words but i dont think "finding myself walking alone " and "walking alone" have the same meaning.

technically, you are correct. "finding myself is a 'red herring'", but more on that later. As a writer, what is your intent in writing "finding myself"?

[metalfan91]

I was inspired by Bena's post in the "new members" forum in the topic "How bright the flame".

edit 2

Finding myself walking along alone with the sand
envious of light's fade into the embracing horizon -
It's not that kindling surrenders; it merely lacks a start.
Yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

The sun is such a perverted provocateur
warming us to the notion of lustful wanting,
before hiding away while the lonely huddle at dusk.
Yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

Twilights without warmth or shelter -
void of glowing embers gilded in rapture,
remain a nightmare of all men still walking.
Yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

My walk slows as the sun sets behind flowing waves,
the fading light steals my vision of her intent,
I'm left to fumble with my steel trying to find her flint,
Yet I hope we brighten the flame before it's dark.

Edit 1

Walking together alone with the sand
our light gently lowering to meet the horizon.
It's not that flames surrender; only that they never start,
Yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

Twilights without warmth or shelter -
void of glowing embers gilded in rapture,
remain a nightmare of all men still walking;
Yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

The sun is such a perverted provocateur
warming us to the notion of lustful wanting,
before hiding away while the lonely huddle at dusk;
Yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

Our walk slows as the sun sets behind flowing waves,
the fading light steals my vision of your intent,
I'm left to fumble with my steel trying to find your flint;
Yet I hope we brighten the flame before it's dark.



I had also considered

"Yet I hope we brighten the flame even in the dark."

As the last line, but it just didnt sound right imo.

Original

Walking along together alone with the sand
our light gently lowering to meet the horizon.
It's not that flames surrender only that they never start,
yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

A twilight without warmth or shelter
lacking flickering fluttering light for protection
Is a haunting nightmare of all men still walking,
yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

The sun is such a perverted provocateur
Warming us to the notion of lustful wanting;
too often leaving frigid failure while falling at dusk,
Yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

Our walk slows as the sun sets behind the crash of waves.
The fading light steals my vision of your intent.
I'm left to fumble with my steel trying to find your flint,
yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

Intriguing how another post inspired this one.

The first line seems like it could lose the word "along."
The association with fire and passion permeates this piece, especially in the second stanza. I think, although kindling make more literal sense, "flame" (or a variant) is a better choice poetically.

[QDeathstar]

Damp sand drags on motionless feet as
the sun bows to greet an embracing horizon -
I'm lost in dim light searching for my second part,
Soon I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

Twilights without warmth or shelter -
void of glowing embers gilded in rapture,
remain a nightmare of all men still walking.
Vainly I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

The sun is such a perverted provocateur
warming us to the notion of waning lust.
It's suggestive rays slipping through dusk.
Still I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

Our walk slows as the sun sets behind flowing waves,
the fading light steals my vision of your intent,
I'm left to fumble with my steel trying to find your flint,
Yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

Its not that flames surrender, Its that they never start.