Welcomed Rest

[UberWilhelm]

I love medieval history and this one came to me after reading a book about the vikings. Hope you like it.



WELCOMED REST

The warm Summer sun shines upon him,
Glinting off armor and sword,
The air stinking of sweat, excitement, and fear,
Yet calmness.

A lion’s roar and the body jumps,
Feet pounding the grass flat as he races,
Into the open jaws of death,
Silence except for the rhythmic beating of his heart.

Carrion birds circle overhead,
Awaiting the pending feast,
Floating weightlessly on the gentle Summer breezes,
Lucky birds.

An explosion of sound,
The brilliant flash of metal,
Swords singing their death knell,
The dance has begun.

Step left, swing right, block, thrust,
The music plays in his head,
His reflexes in time to the beat,
Feet staying sure in a field soaked with blood.

Breathing becomes ragged,
Chest heaving,
Sweat soaked eyes stinging,
His helmet is a cage.

Stars during the day?
How unusual
The grass soft and cool on his back,
Silence falls like the headsmen’s axe.

A fierce battle,
A good death,
A smile,
Welcoming the darkness and final rest.

[UberWilhelm]

Nothing huh? Bummer. Well hopefully you'll like the next one better.

[ellajam]

Nothing huh? Bummer. Well hopefully you'll like the next one better.

Hi, Wil, people often like to read at least a few times and think a while. Be patient.

[UberWilhelm]

Nothing huh? Bummer. Well hopefully you'll like the next one better.

Hi, Wil, people often like to read at least a few times and think a while. Be patient.

Fair enough. I saw a number of people had read it and by lack of comment just assumed it just sucked. Just an eager beaver I guess.

[ellajam]

Hi, Wil. I think you did a good job of telling the story here, I got the clear feel of the battlefield. For me, the subject and capitalized lines led me to expect some form that I couldn't find, some consistency in each four line section. If you're unfamiliar with forms you can find some explanations in the Practice Forum.

I've put a few notes below.

I love medieval history and this one came to me after reading a book about the vikings. Hope you like it.



WELCOMED REST

The warm Summer sun shines upon him,
Glinting off armor and sword,
The air stinking of sweat, excitement, and fear,
Yet calmness.
I don't get why summer is capitalized. You may be able to cut "warm summer" all together. Period after sword.

A lion’s roar and the body jumps,
Feet pounding the grass flat as he races,
Into the open jaws of death,
Silence except for the rhythmic beating of his heart.
No comma after races.

Carrion birds circle overhead,
Awaiting the pending feast,
Floating weightlessly on the gentle Summer breezes,
Lucky birds.
I enjoyed the vultures being ready.

An explosion of sound,
The brilliant flash of metal,
Swords singing their death knell,
The dance has begun.

Step left, swing right, block, thrust,
The music plays in his head,
His reflexes in time to the beat,
Feet staying sure in a field soaked with blood.

Breathing becomes ragged,
Chest heaving,
Sweat soaked eyes stinging,
His helmet is a cage.
Good last line here.

Stars during the day?
How unusual
The grass soft and cool on his back,
Silence falls like the headsmen’s axe.
You need better punctuation here.

A fierce battle,
A good death,
A smile,
Welcoming the darkness and final rest.

I'm not a poetry or punctuation expert but I hope these notes give you something to think about as you edit.

It needs some work, good luck with it.

[billy]

hi wil.

you more or less got it right. the poem isn't a great or good poem, but fear not, it can as any poem can, be made into a good, and even sometimes a great one.

first off lose all the cliched phrases and lines. i pointed a few out but there are lots more, if you noticed a phrase before, it's probably a cliche. the idea is to think of a line or phrase and then change it to something original. something you have heard/read before.

I love medieval history and this one came to me after reading a book about the vikings. Hope you like it.

(the lions roar) where did it come from how did it sound who was making it? the same with other lines. make them as strong as the poem dictates, this is about vikings, make it so.

lines like;
Step left, swing right, block, thrust,
can always be improved if you use a metaphor or simile

Step left, swing right like a dancing wench
block as steel, thrust from the hips,
or
Step left, swing blade right
block with oaken shield, thrust through neck


not great i grant you but it' just a couple of quick examples




WELCOMED REST

The warm Summer sun shines upon him, very cliche and weak opening line
Glinting off armor and sword, again it feels weak, and if a viking a bit untrue, wasn't their armor usually covered up by a coat or something?
The air stinking of sweat, excitement, and fear,
Yet calmness.

A lion’s roar and the body jumps,
Feet pounding the grass flat as he races,
Into the open jaws of death,
Silence except for the rhythmic beating of his heart.

Carrion birds circle overhead, no need really for [overhead, ]
Awaiting the pending feast, awaiting and pending are pretty much the same.
Floating weightlessly on the gentle Summer breezes,
Lucky birds.

An explosion of sound,
The brilliant flash of metal,
Swords singing their death knell,
The dance has begun.

Step left, swing right, block, thrust,
The music plays in his head,
His reflexes in time to the beat,
Feet staying sure in a field soaked with blood.

Breathing becomes ragged,
Chest heaving,
Sweat soaked eyes stinging,
His helmet is a cage.

Stars during the day?
How unusual
The grass soft and cool on his back,
Silence falls like the headsmen’s axe. headman's

A fierce battle,
A good death,
A smile,
Welcoming the darkness and final rest.

[milo]

Hello.

For the most part, it is already a familiar scene. It is important in poetry to make an economy of your words while here you seem to be trying to use as many words as possible.

I love medieval history and this one came to me after reading a book about the vikings. Hope you like it.



WELCOMED REST

The warm Summer sun shines upon him,
Glinting off armor and sword,
The air stinking of sweat, excitement, and fear,
Yet calmness.

you have "summer" do you need warm? You have shines do you need glinting? You also have a comma splice. You have confusion. how does air stink of calmness? There are too many participles. I would recommend you go through it and strip away every modifier and fix the grammar and then add back only modifiers you think are absolutely necessary or point to your central metaphor.

Good luck!