An Ill-Thought Expedition

[SilverMire]

They told their young torchbearer, "Quick!
Just cross that crevice, scout the site
ahead!" - instead, he slipped and set
the bridge alight.

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Nothing major, but any insight into structural components would be great. This is really just more of my wallowing... Not really, but you might as well put your stuff-ups to good use, right?

[billy]

the meter feels out of kilter, it has a fun feel to it but i think the end rhymes screw it up as well. would it work better as a limerick?

[UberWilhelm]

Hi Silver.

It kind of makes no sense to me. It feels more like a synopses of a short story than a poem. I'm not feeling any rhythm, your rhyme feels accidental, and overall it just feels kind of broken. What were you going for?

[danny_]

at first when he slipped i thought he fell off the bridge, and it was lighter for that fact. but i see he set it on fire. that was my mistake, not yours. but i have to admit i think it kind of funnier if he fell off the bridge! LOL anyway it is like a tiny little story. and sort of like a tease and i'd rather read more. like, the whole short story it really could be, being there must be a huge imagination behind that tiny little injustice of it. keep it up.