down the rabbit hole

[cjchaffin]

She told me over dinner one evening
that I should switch to white wine—
less tannins and calories, she claimed.

I smiled and shook my head,
a vintage cabernet stubbornly clinging
to my bleached white teeth.

The next day I found a couple bottles
of chardonnay chilled in the fridge,
a note tethered to one’s neck
that read Drink Me!

I did not.
Four months later,
we signed divorce papers
and she packed her things.

I drank the chardonnay that last night,
dizzied by the herringbone pattern
of the old parquet floor, and I wondered
what would happen if I ate our frozen cake top.

[billy]

i think you have just enough of a connection within the poem to make the title work.

an original break up for the wine lovers out there. i enjoyed the read though it could do with a really small edit. the narrative works well, you had some alliteration which lifted it from being prose. the last line is pure Lewiss Carroll.

She told me over dinner one evening
that I should switch to white wine— good [S's]
less tannins and calories, she claimed. would italics better define [less tannins and calories]?

I smiled and shook my head, would a comma work better than [and]
a vintage cabernet stubbornly clinging use the tongue on them, a good image
to my bleached white teeth.

The next day I found a couple bottles
of chardonnay chilled in the fridge, good [Ch's]
a note tethered to one’s neck
that read Drink Me!

I did not.
Four months later,
we signed divorce papers
and she packed her things. can something else be said that would infer things?

I drank the chardonnay that last night,
dizzied by the herringbone pattern
of the old parquet floor, and I wondered is [I] needed?
what would happen if I ate our frozen cake top.

[cjchaffin]

thanks billy! those are great suggestions. i knew this was going to lean more towards prose so i tried like hell to pretty it up some...i'm glad the alliteration worked for you, i honestly wasn't sure it was gonna play out. thanks again.

[bena]

People seem to like the title, and I love any allusion to Lewis, but I don't think the poem is bizarre enough for this reference. This seems like a pretty common occurrence, instead of an unusual one, and in many ways that makes it a great poem--it's pretty damn close to home.

I think S4 is the weakest because you've given us such vivid images to cling to, then this S is pretty narrative and blah. (sorry)

The frozen cake top--does this refer to a frozen wedding cake? I think so, but it gave me a pause just a bit, may be an over-the-pond vernacular issue, though.

It's very striking in its realism. I've read a few times now, and even while I'm writing I'm wondering...perhaps the title does fit. God, I am so useless...

mel.

[cjchaffin]

People seem to like the title, and I love any allusion to Lewis, but I don't think the poem is bizarre enough for this reference. This seems like a pretty common occurrence, instead of an unusual one, and in many ways that makes it a great poem--it's pretty damn close to home.

I think S4 is the weakest because you've given us such vivid images to cling to, then this S is pretty narrative and blah. (sorry)

The frozen cake top--does this refer to a frozen wedding cake? I think so, but it gave me a pause just a bit, may be an over-the-pond vernacular issue, though.

It's very striking in its realism. I've read a few times now, and even while I'm writing I'm wondering...perhaps the title does fit. God, I am so useless...

mel.

oh jeez! you are not useless. i like that you invested enough in the poem to engage it and go back and forth with the meaning and visuals. that is just as valuable to me as someone coming in and simply telling me what they like and don't like. and don't ever be sorry if you feel there's a weak spot for me to address, that's the reason why i'm here!

thanks mel, you get a hug today ><

[bena]

oh jeez! you are not useless. i like that you invested enough in the poem to engage it and go back and forth with the meaning and visuals. that is just as valuable to me as someone coming in and simply telling me what they like and don't like. and don't ever be sorry if you feel there's a weak spot for me to address, that's the reason why i'm here!

thanks mel, you get a hug today ><

aww I'll take any hugs I can get. Perhaps I should debate myself all the time instead of critiquing...jeez, that would scare the hell out of you guys.

[bob68]

She told me over dinner one evening
that I should switch to white wine—
less tannins and calories, she claimed.

I smiled and shook my head,
a vintage cabernet stubbornly clinging
to my bleached white teeth.

The next day I found a couple bottles
of chardonnay chilled in the fridge,
a note tethered to one’s neck
that read Drink Me!

I did not.
Four months later,
we signed divorce papers
and she packed her things.

I drank the chardonnay that last night,
dizzied by the herringbone pattern
of the old parquet floor, and I wondered
what would happen if I ate our frozen cake top.

This is good stuff. I can't see anything I would change. Maybe a few nit picks, but it's not even worth mentioning. I know people expect some crit. but if it's right, it's right. I say pack it up in an envelope and send it out with the morning mail. Well done. Bravo.

[makeshift]

This poem was very clear, and easy to read. You've got some interesting words that were fun for me to read, I dont know anything about wine lol. Anyway I left my 2cents and all. Thnx for sharing.

She told me over dinner one evening
that I should switch to white wine—
less tannins and calories, she claimed. If you had the text in quotes or something you could probably remove "She claimed" but idk if that woud add anything. I do like that "she claimed" is at the end of the line instead of the start. I also like all the "sh" in this stanza

I smiled and shook my head,
a vintage cabernet stubbornly clinging I had to look up cabernet, it kinda looks like cabinet but that wouldn't make any sense >.< I think vintage is a good adjective here it makes the drink seem dirty which helps the juxtaposition with the white teeth. I think this is good enjambement with clinging kind of clinging to the end of the line. You might not need stubbornly, just because clinging has that a little already. IDK. I cant unsee a vintage cabinet
to my bleached white teeth.

The next day I found a couple bottles
of chardonnay chilled in the fridge, Wines have cool names
a note tethered to one’s neck
that read Drink Me! I like this because its playful, and that makes the next stanza more poignant

I did not.
Four months later,
we signed divorce papers
and she packed her things. Im not sure this line adds anything to this stanza, it feels tacked on.

I drank the chardonnay that last night,
dizzied by the herringbone pattern another cool word, and it really brings the dizziness to life
of the old parquet floor, and I wondered
what would happen if I ate our frozen cake top. This ending is almost like a bad punch line but I mean that in a good way, it works real well imo

[cjchaffin]

She told me over dinner one evening
that I should switch to white wine—
less tannins and calories, she claimed.

I smiled and shook my head,
a vintage cabernet stubbornly clinging
to my bleached white teeth.

The next day I found a couple bottles
of chardonnay chilled in the fridge,
a note tethered to one’s neck
that read Drink Me!

I did not.
Four months later,
we signed divorce papers
and she packed her things.

I drank the chardonnay that last night,
dizzied by the herringbone pattern
of the old parquet floor, and I wondered
what would happen if I ate our frozen cake top.

This is good stuff. I can't see anything I would change. Maybe a few nit picks, but it's not even worth mentioning. I know people expect some crit. but if it's right, it's right. I say pack it up in an envelope and send it out with the morning mail. Well done. Bravo.

awww c'mon, bob...mention the nits! i don't mail anything out until i've checked it and rechecked it til i'm blue in the face. but thank you for the vote of confidence, it is truly appreciated.

---

This poem was very clear, and easy to read. You've got some interesting words that were fun for me to read, I dont know anything about wine lol. Anyway I left my 2cents and all. Thnx for sharing.

She told me over dinner one evening
that I should switch to white wine—
less tannins and calories, she claimed. If you had the text in quotes or something you could probably remove "She claimed" but idk if that woud add anything. I do like that "she claimed" is at the end of the line instead of the start. I also like all the "sh" in this stanza

I smiled and shook my head,
a vintage cabernet stubbornly clinging I had to look up cabernet, it kinda looks like cabinet but that wouldn't make any sense >.< I think vintage is a good adjective here it makes the drink seem dirty which helps the juxtaposition with the white teeth. I think this is good enjambement with clinging kind of clinging to the end of the line. You might not need stubbornly, just because clinging has that a little already. IDK. I cant unsee a vintage cabinet
to my bleached white teeth.

The next day I found a couple bottles
of chardonnay chilled in the fridge, Wines have cool names
a note tethered to one’s neck
that read Drink Me! I like this because its playful, and that makes the next stanza more poignant

I did not.
Four months later,
we signed divorce papers
and she packed her things. Im not sure this line adds anything to this stanza, it feels tacked on.

I drank the chardonnay that last night,
dizzied by the herringbone pattern another cool word, and it really brings the dizziness to life
of the old parquet floor, and I wondered
what would happen if I ate our frozen cake top. This ending is almost like a bad punch line but I mean that in a good way, it works real well imo

hey makeshift, thanks for the thoughtful review. and i giggled at the vintage cabinet comment, never realized how close those two are in spelling. i'm grateful for the feedback!

[bob68]

She told me over dinner one evening
that I should switch to white wine—
less tannins and calories, she claimed.

I smiled and shook my head,
a vintage cabernet stubbornly clinging
to my bleached white teeth.

The next day I found a couple bottles
of chardonnay chilled in the fridge,
a note tethered to one’s neck
that read Drink Me!

I did not.
Four months later,
we signed divorce papers
and she packed her things.

I drank the chardonnay that last night,
dizzied by the herringbone pattern
of the old parquet floor, and I wondered
what would happen if I ate our frozen cake top.

This is good stuff. I can't see anything I would change. Maybe a few nit picks, but it's not even worth mentioning. I know people expect some crit. but if it's right, it's right. I say pack it up in an envelope and send it out with the morning mail. Well done. Bravo.

awww c'mon, bob...mention the nits! i don't mail anything out until i've checked it and rechecked it til i'm blue in the face. but thank you for the vote of confidence, it is truly appreciated.

---

This poem was very clear, and easy to read. You've got some interesting words that were fun for me to read, I dont know anything about wine lol. Anyway I left my 2cents and all. Thnx for sharing.

She told me over dinner one evening
that I should switch to white wine—
less tannins and calories, she claimed. If you had the text in quotes or something you could probably remove "She claimed" but idk if that woud add anything. I do like that "she claimed" is at the end of the line instead of the start. I also like all the "sh" in this stanza

I smiled and shook my head,
a vintage cabernet stubbornly clinging I had to look up cabernet, it kinda looks like cabinet but that wouldn't make any sense >.< I think vintage is a good adjective here it makes the drink seem dirty which helps the juxtaposition with the white teeth. I think this is good enjambement with clinging kind of clinging to the end of the line. You might not need stubbornly, just because clinging has that a little already. IDK. I cant unsee a vintage cabinet
to my bleached white teeth.

The next day I found a couple bottles
of chardonnay chilled in the fridge, Wines have cool names
a note tethered to one’s neck
that read Drink Me! I like this because its playful, and that makes the next stanza more poignant

I did not.
Four months later,
we signed divorce papers
and she packed her things. Im not sure this line adds anything to this stanza, it feels tacked on.

I drank the chardonnay that last night,
dizzied by the herringbone pattern another cool word, and it really brings the dizziness to life
of the old parquet floor, and I wondered
what would happen if I ate our frozen cake top. This ending is almost like a bad punch line but I mean that in a good way, it works real well imo

hey makeshift, thanks for the thoughtful review. and i giggled at the vintage cabinet comment, never realized how close those two are in spelling. i'm grateful for the feedback!

I'm the same way. I drive myself crazy going over everything till I just piss myself off and say,"that's it, I'm done!" I say a prayer and she's off to the races! Now that I re-read your piece a few times, it really is fine.

[cjchaffin]

thanks H.

this was one of those odd moments in my life that i was telling a friend about over wine one evening (ha!) and she said to me

"well. that was all very Alice-in-Wonderland-ish now, wasn't it?"

and there you have it.

i know my writing often drifts closer to prose than pure poetry and its something i struggle with constantly.
i'm glad that this went over okay.

[bena]

drink me is fantastic.

S4, while i like the directness, was a bit too cliché toward the end. I dunno, I would do a rewrite on last 2 lines, but I try my best not to.\


mel the splaining my crit chick.

[71degrees]

She told me over dinner one evening
that I should switch to white wine—
less tannins and calories, she claimed.

I smiled and shook my head,
a vintage cabernet stubbornly clinging
to my bleached white teeth.

The next day I found a couple bottles
of chardonnay chilled in the fridge,
a note tethered to one’s neck
that read Drink Me!

I did not.
Four months later,
we signed divorce papers
and she packed her things.

I drank the chardonnay that last night,
dizzied by the herringbone pattern
of the old parquet floor, and I wondered
what would happen if I ate our frozen cake top.

Methinks you could tighten this up even more (e.g. "…one's neck:
'Drink me'") There are selected "and's" that could be deleted with some deftly placed semi-colons. This may help your "prose" style that's bugging you. Doesn't bug me in the slightest. I just don't like "extra" words.
The reason I say this is b/c both stanzas 3 & 4 have last lines that start with boring words (e.g. "that" / "and"). Need something to zing 'em a bit if you're attempting a Lewis Carroll.

Like the matter-of-factness of the divorce. Don't like the stained teeth of a "vintage" cabernet. The narrator doesn't come-off like he has that much class ("old" parquet?). A cheaper wine might be more his style. "Down the Rabbit Hole" is good. Does it matter that a female went down there in the analogy but here the gender isn't clear which one is going? Do like the ending. Classy and makes the poem come alive even while it's ending. Don't think it's cliche' at all.

I enjoyed reading this. Thank you.

[cjchaffin]

drink me is fantastic.

S4, while i like the directness, was a bit too cliché toward the end. I dunno, I would do a rewrite on last 2 lines, but I try my best not to.\


mel the splaining my crit chick.

hahaha well i like that you came back to do some splaining. and feel free to rewrite anything you feel necessary, i'm always open to suggestion.

unless you suggest i listen to Celine Dion. that i simply cannot do.

---

She told me over dinner one evening
that I should switch to white wine—
less tannins and calories, she claimed.

I smiled and shook my head,
a vintage cabernet stubbornly clinging
to my bleached white teeth.

The next day I found a couple bottles
of chardonnay chilled in the fridge,
a note tethered to one’s neck
that read Drink Me!

I did not.
Four months later,
we signed divorce papers
and she packed her things.

I drank the chardonnay that last night,
dizzied by the herringbone pattern
of the old parquet floor, and I wondered
what would happen if I ate our frozen cake top.

Methinks you could tighten this up even more (e.g. "…one's neck:
'Drink me'") There are selected "and's" that could be deleted with some deftly placed semi-colons. This may help your "prose" style that's bugging you. Doesn't bug me in the slightest. I just don't like "extra" words.
The reason I say this is b/c both stanzas 3 & 4 have last lines that start with boring words (e.g. "that" / "and"). Need something to zing 'em a bit if you're attempting a Lewis Carroll.

Like the matter-of-factness of the divorce. Don't like the stained teeth of a "vintage" cabernet. The narrator doesn't come-off like he has that much class ("old" parquet?). A cheaper wine might be more his style. "Down the Rabbit Hole" is good. Does it matter that a female went down there in the analogy but here the gender isn't clear which one is going? Do like the ending. Classy and makes the poem come alive even while it's ending. Don't think it's cliche' at all.

I enjoyed reading this. Thank you.

thanks, 71. glad you enjoyed the read. and thank you making the points you did, i'm liking all of the perspectives that i'm getting on this...makes me want to come back with a stronger edit for sure. gracias.

[bena]

this is just an example:

(not a suggestion, you can find your own way)

Divorce on her lips,
any trail of her existing has been lost.

((white wabbit))

or you could make her eat the cake and disappear...then drink the wine and play giant steps.

Which is the best Coltrane song ever.

Celine sucks.

[cjchaffin]

thanks mel, i see what you're getting at there.

and dittos on Coltrane!

[danny_]

i'm like fogglethorpe, preferring direct language. you did that, and that's why i didn't want to stop reading. and it carried all the way through. and any picking about with it is just minor stuff. i didn't understand the title, and i'd say people in general wouldn't either. i liked the frozen wedding cake at the end, good ending!

[cjchaffin]

i'm like fogglethorpe, preferring direct language. you did that, and that's why i didn't want to stop reading. and it carried all the way through. and any picking about with it is just minor stuff. i didn't understand the title, and i'd say people in general wouldn't either. i liked the frozen wedding cake at the end, good ending!

thanks danny, i appreciate that. and the title references Lewis Carroll's Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, which also accounts for some of the imagery in the poem.

[cjchaffin]

Def. eat the cake!!! I enjoyed this piece.

hi allison. i'm glad you enjoyed this, but what i'm really looking for is how to fine tune my writing and make it better.

look at it again with a critical eye. what would you extract/add? are there spots where the voice could be stronger? even if it's just one word, or one phrase, or one image, is there anywhere at all in the poem that you would suggest tackling in order to make this shine?

i don't come here for praise. i come here because i want to write better, plain and simple. and don't tell me you wouldn't change a thing.

thank you for the vote of confidence. now rip it apart and make it bleed.

[billy]

a post has been deleted. please don't post one liners in order to create a post count/mod

---

kudos for the reply cichaffin

Def. eat the cake!!! I enjoyed this piece.

hi allison. i'm glad you enjoyed this, but what i'm really looking for is how to fine tune my writing and make it better.

look at it again with a critical eye. what would you extract/add? are there spots where the voice could be stronger? even if it's just one word, or one phrase, or one image, is there anywhere at all in the poem that you would suggest tackling in order to make this shine?

i don't come here for praise. i come here because i want to write better, plain and simple. and don't tell me you wouldn't change a thing.

thank you for the vote of confidence. now rip it apart and make it bleed.