The Wind and the Leaf

[zahrakh]

The Wind And The Leaf
The wind
separates
the most unsuspecting leaf
from its branch, left agrieved
And the bewildered leaf
at being thrown at a closed window
touching the transparent, cold glass
for some moments, hopes
that someone will catch sight and
care to come over
not to save it
or touch with comforting fingertips
but only to listen, the last words
the secret of eternities learnt in few
moments.
As the leaf falls on the ground,
The winds lifts and throws it back
again,
Teasing it says, they wouldn't care.
Falling it says, they wouldn't care.

[Tiger the Lion]

Hello Z, and welcome. I think you have the start of a good poem here. It is wordier than it needs to be. Try to take each idea expressed in the poem and pare it down. Get rid of fillers like "the most unsuspecting" and "for some moments" and try to be as concise as you can. I think you could probably contain this in 12 lines or so. I like the last 2 lines - even if "it" refers to the leaf and the wind in somewhat confusing order.
Thanks for posting. Best of luck.

[PHTj]

I understand the direction but to me it's too broken up and doesn't flow well. For example the first idea could flow like: The wind separates a leaf from its stead fast home. Hope that helps. Good start though.

[dwestmor]

Perhaps it would sound better as and the leaf, bewildered at having been thrown at a closed window...

[zahrakh]

Thank you everyone for your feedback