Window

[danny_]

an older poem i have recently revised as example of what i have learned since joining the forum. i hope all the changes are good, i'm not entirely sure, but think so. it takes much time and reflection for a poem to mature. welcome full crit.

revised
Window
Raindrop clings to a wire,
stretches fire through its glass.
The true burning form sets
amidst the silhouettes of buildings.
A couple sleep
to city ambiance slipping through curtains,
breathing face to face,
embraced.

original
Any Given Window
Raindrop globe sparkles,
clings to wire,
stretches fire through its glass.

The true burning form
sets admist the silhouettes
of old buildings.

Cold, wet,
still moment;
only darkness
in any given window.

Or maybe two are
sleeping to the city ambience
breathing face to face,
embraced.

[Brownlie]

an older poem i have recently revised as example of what i have learned since joining the forum. i hope all the changes are good, i'm not entirely sure, but think so. it takes much time and reflection for a poem to mature. welcome full crit.

revised
Window
Raindrop clings to a wire,
stretches fire through its glass.
The true burning form sets
amidst the silhouettes of buildings.
A couple sleep
to city ambiance slipping through curtains,
breathing face to face,
embraced.

original
Any Given Window
Raindrop globe sparkles,
clings to wire,
stretches fire through its glass.

The true burning form
sets admist the silhouettes
of old buildings.

Cold, wet,
still moment;
only darkness
in any given window.

Or maybe two are
sleeping to the city ambience
breathing face to face,
embraced.

There are all sorts of conventions in poetry that I am unfamiliar with, but much of the language here seems to omit language that would give the text cohesion. For instance, Raindrop sounds choppy the way it's written. Just a quick note. Thanks for posting.

[danny_]

thanks for taking a moment, Brownlie. i tend to be a little technical in my writing style sometimes. still learning to put the flow into it without going into overflow.

There are all sorts of conventions in poetry that I am unfamiliar with, but much of the language here seems to omit language that would give the text cohesion. For instance, Raindrop sounds choppy the way it's written. Just a quick note. Thanks for posting.

[Todd]

Hi danny,

I've read this a number of times, and I'm having trouble with it. This could just be me, but let me try to explain where I'm coming from.

While there are changes that I might suggest here or there, there's good phrasing (L2 stands out for me), and there seems to be an element of viewing the couple through the lens of the raindrop which seems potentially interesting. So, I think there's potential here. The problem is in the payoff. I perceive this issue in my own poetry in certain pieces so this is not me saying follow these simple steps that I have mastered. It is more about saying why do I the reader care? Where is the emotional punch or the epiphany that sells the poem. This has an atmospheric sense to it. I think of poems like Steven's The Snow Man, or Ozymandias by Shelley, or many others. I'm getting interesting language and promise but I need to walk away with something that demands that I read this again.

That to me is missing. I'm not sure yet how to suggest you move forward, but I wanted to give you my feedback at the moment. I think there's something here that could be more than pretty and forgettable.

I'm not even sure this helps, but on the off chance it does I figured I'd say something.

Best,

Todd

revised
Window
Raindrop clings to a wire,
stretches fire through its glass.
The true burning form sets
amidst the silhouettes of buildings.
A couple sleep
to city ambiance slipping through curtains,
breathing face to face,
embraced.

[danny_]

Todd, your crits rock.. that's all i can say. it's true, it's pretty and forgettable. that phrase is insightful because i know it's true of a lot of my scribbles over the years. nothing wrong with that, but the better poetry reaches deeper into the human element i think. should be an obvious thing, when i think about it. thank you

[justcloudy]

Hi danny,

I've read this a number of times, and I'm having trouble with it. This could just be me, but let me try to explain where I'm coming from.

While there are changes that I might suggest here or there, there's good phrasing (L2 stands out for me), and there seems to be an element of viewing the couple through the lens of the raindrop which seems potentially interesting. So, I think there's potential here. The problem is in the payoff. I perceive this issue in my own poetry in certain pieces so this is not me saying follow these simple steps that I have mastered. It is more about saying why do I the reader care? Where is the emotional punch or the epiphany that sells the poem. This has an atmospheric sense to it. I think of poems like Steven's The Snow Man, or Ozymandias by Shelley, or many others. I'm getting interesting language and promise but I need to walk away with something that demands that I read this again.

That to me is missing. I'm not sure yet how to suggest you move forward, but I wanted to give you my feedback at the moment. I think there's something here that could be more than pretty and forgettable.

I'm not even sure this helps, but on the off chance it does I figured I'd say something.

Best,

Todd

Not to hijack the thread or anything, but giving a huge thumbs up to Todd for this crit. I'll be saving this one...

[danny_]

in case any mods have something against it... i approve your hijack ^_^

Not to hijack the thread or anything, but giving a huge thumbs up to Todd for this crit. I'll be saving this one...

[crow]

Danny,

Just a quick note. It's great to mine old works for potential, and this one deserves to be unmothballed. Let's look at the elements you have:

A droplet and light passing through it.
--if I remember, a droplet gives a "fisheye" lens
--it turns the image upside down and backward
--if struck by a coherent beam of light, it will act as a prism
--it has a symbolic nature: raindrops are round; also , the participate in a well-delineated cycle

Wire
--if I remember, wire comes from the etym of iridescent and iris
--wires carry either (1) charge or (2) signal. Here, it's likely charge
--water on a wire is at least a little scary

The couple
--they are ignorant of the city, the city is blind to their dreams
--there's a sense that they might be endangered
--if "the couple" is one person in reflection, then the symbols at least go together . . .

Nice read!

crow

[brandontoh]

This is a really nice poem! The lines are good and evocative, and there's not much excess. It's a good edit. However, my main problem is that there seems to be an inconsistency with the imagery you're trying to build. The mention of rain and fire makes me a little confused and unsure of the poem. Also, there is this zooming in from outdoors to indoors that's nice, but 'to city ambiance slipping through curtains' sounds like you're pulling the poem to the outdoors again. I would change a few words and structure to make the poem more consistent, but maybe that's just me. 

revised
Window
Raindrop clings to a wire,
stretches fire through its glass.
The true burning form sets
amidst the silhouettes of buildings.
A couple sleep
to city ambiance slipping through curtains,
breathing face to face,
embraced.