'ku 9-14 edit

[Tiger the Lion]

Potential revision based on comments and rethinking my subject.

anxious October
she falls asleep
praying




Can't seem to take the scissors to this any further. Hmmm

always autumn
she falls asleep
praying

[rayheinrich]

Can't seem to take the scissors to this any further. Hmmm

always autumn
she falls asleep
praying

Five words is scissors enough. As presented, it's an interesting poem.
"Always autumn" is a bit cliched, but fair enough. Falling asleep praying is
a metaphor of no small intent. Fine as is.

[billy]

reminds me of snow white though that would be winter.

i'm trying to work out 9-14 and failing. autumn feels pretty common, can something be used to replace it that represents autumn?
godd effort

Can't seem to take the scissors to this any further. Hmmm

always autumn
she falls asleep
praying

[Tiger the Lion]

Ray, you're right about autumn. Billy, I had no title and lazily dated this one. It maybe should have caught the Faux 'Ku train. We just went from a week of temps in the 30's to single digit temps. "Always autumn" is a common Canadian fear.

[rayheinrich]

Ray, you're right about autumn. Billy, I had no title and lazily dated this one. It maybe should have caught the Faux 'Ku train. We just went from a week of temps in the 30's to single digit temps. "Always autumn" is a common Canadian fear.

It's 92 out here now. Will need to mow soon. Yes, that title thing is slightly
perplexing as 'ku don't have titles but the board software says you gotta put
something in that little slot at the top. Putting the date seems like a good way
to do it as the numbers say "we're not a title" better than most. I never put
"untitled" on any poem because it ends up being the title when the whole idea
was NOT to have a title in the first place.

Hmm, autumn, I like Halloween kigo: witch, ghost, haunted house, black cat
(especially that one, I have a black cat, they're great at Halloween).

[Tamara]

Can't seem to take the scissors to this any further. Hmmm

always autumn
she falls asleep
praying

maybe do away with 'always'

[Tiger the Lion]

I don't usually get back to editing these short ones, but this one keeps asking. Any thoughts welcome.
Paul

[bena]

to be honest the only thing I'd cut from your rev. ****see below, pls**** is the 'she'---unless you want to keep the entendre of a woman or Autumn....and if that were the case you could still cut she and use falling whichever sounds best to your ear.


bean//melicious one.

PS this comment was when I was half asleep....I was liking the original better (that's why the autumn.)

[billy]

why anything other than October?

October

she falls asleep
praying

Potential revision based on comments and rethinking my subject.

anxious October
she falls asleep
praying




Can't seem to take the scissors to this any further. Hmmm

always autumn
she falls asleep
praying

[bena]

October is a harsh word. I like always autumn for several reasons:
assonance and alliteration
the soft sounds when it is about falling asleep
the entendre that I alluded to: could be autumn, could be a chick...it's unspecified. I like thinking of it as both.

[rayheinrich]

I apologize in advance, the below should be in fauxku:

Autumn always
falls asleep
praying


in autumn
you always
fall asleep


As leaves heap deep,
she counts sheep leap,
prays soul to keep,
then weeps asleep.