Demons dance in a blood-red sky

[nb]

Hi all!

Last week was a bad week here in the Holy Land: Lots of death, misery and extremism all around. The phrase "Demons dance in a blood-red sky" just popped into my head last Monday evening & I sat up until almost 01:00 writing a first draft.

So...


Demons dance in a blood-red sky
above the corpses where they lie,
above the lies for which they fell;
tears on Earth, delight in Hell.

Like Dover Beach and Flanders' fields
the ground a grisly harvest yields
of noxious weeds and mangled shoots,
toxic dreams and caustic fruits.

Abel walks among the stars
but it is Cain who bears the scars.
Now I understand what Ecclesiastes said,
pity the living, not the dead.

Where are these demons who nimbly prance
in danse macabre with quill and lance?
Dear God, dear God, they're coming nearer!
There! There! In the mirror!

Demons dance in a blood-red sky
above the corpses where they lie.



Thanks in advance for reading.

nb

[ellajam]

Hi, nb, good work here, some notes below.

Hi all!

Last week was a bad week here in the Holy Land: Lots of death, misery and extremism all around. The phrase "Demons dance in a blood-red sky" just popped into my head last Monday evening & I sat up until almost 01:00 writing a first draft.

So...


Demons dance in a blood-red sky
above the corpses where they lie,
above the lies for which they fell;
tears on Earth, delight in Hell.
while this is strong  in meter and thought, the aabb scheme seems light for its subject.

Like Dover Beach and Flanders' fields
the ground a grisly harvest yields
of noxious weeds and mangled shoots,
toxic dreams and caustic fruits.
Love this, the meter carries the words beautifully and the force of the breaks is strong.

Abel walks among the stars
but it is Cain who bears the scars.
Now I understand what Ecclesiastes said,
pity the living, not the dead.
L3 tosses meter to the wind, why? "Ecclesiastes wisely said", I don't like wisely but you can find something better that suits the meter. From wiki:

The title Ecclesiastes is a Latin transliteration of the Greek translation of the Hebrew Koheleth (meaning "Gatherer", but traditionally translated as "Teacher" or "Preacher"[1]), the eponymous author of the book.

Koheleth might give you more room to express your thought. IMO the line can't stand as it is.

Where are these demons who nimbly prance
in danse macabre with quill and lance?
Dear God, dear God, they're coming nearer!
There! There! In the mirror!

Demons dance in a blood-red sky
above the corpses where they lie.



Thanks in advance for reading.

nb

A really effective read for me, thanks for posting it.

[PurpleFluff]

Hi all!

Last week was a bad week here in the Holy Land: Lots of death, misery and extremism all around. The phrase "Demons dance in a blood-red sky" just popped into my head last Monday evening & I sat up until almost 01:00 writing a first draft.

So...


Demons dance in a blood-red sky
above the corpses where they lie,
above the lies for which they fell;
tears on Earth, delight in Hell.

Like Dover Beach and Flanders' fields
the ground a grisly harvest yields
of noxious weeds and mangled shoots,
toxic dreams and caustic fruits.

Abel walks among the stars
but it is Cain who bears the scars.
Now I understand what Ecclesiastes said,
pity the living, not the dead.

Where are these demons who nimbly prance
in danse macabre with quill and lance?
Dear God, dear God, they're coming nearer!
There! There! In the mirror!

Demons dance in a blood-red sky
above the corpses where they lie.



Thanks in advance for reading.

nb

Hello
This poem seems very affective ( effective) to me. I don't know enough to give much critique; however I can say I enjoy you using lie twice. The line confused me at first because I took it as demons lying down in the sky. The whole poem rolls right off the tongue ( except for stanza 3 line 3 like there is one too many words)Sorry I don't have something more for you. Thnks for the read.

[Pious Baloney]

I found this to be a very well written and spoken poem with one exception which has already been pointed out...the Ecclesiastes reference. Perhaps you could consider removing the name altogether. In this information age of ours...a quick-and-dirty google search can assist the inquiring reader wanting more historical background of the said phrase. I believe you could do this and still deliver your powerful piece.

'Now I understand when it's said',
'Pity the living, not the dead.'

[nb]

I thank everybody for their comments.

I will try to submit a rewrite (especially of stanza 3) by tomorrow evening.

nb

[billy]

a suggestion would be to start the Ecclesiastes line with Ecclesiastes as ellajam suggested her choice of wisely also holds merit.

for me the troublesome verse was

Where are these demons who nimbly prance
in danse macabre with quill and lance?
Dear God, dear God, they're coming nearer!
There! There! In the mirror!

the meter feels off and the 3rd line needs some practice in order to make it sound right as does the last line.
in general the meter throughout the poem could be reviewed in order to better lay it out.

i thought content was strong enough to hold the reader while the biblical references weren't to heavy.

[Filíocht]

The switch from hocus pocus to flanders fields won me over. I much prefer poems with some sense of structure though, personal opinion, so I enjoyed that much - enjoyable read overall & good command of language in general i.e. the metaphors and plays on words. Keep writing.

[Isaias]

Hi all!
Last week was a bad week here in the Holy Land: Lots of death, misery and extremism all around. The phrase "Demons dance in a blood-red sky" just popped into my head last Monday evening & I sat up until almost 01:00 writing a first draft.
So...
Demons dance in a blood-red sky
above the corpses where they lie,
above the lies for which they fell;
tears on Earth, delight in Hell.
Like Dover Beach and Flanders' fields
the ground a grisly harvest yields
of noxious weeds and mangled shoots,
toxic dreams and caustic fruits.
Abel walks among the stars
but it is Cain who bears the scars.
Now I understand what Ecclesiastes said, The rhythm falls off right about here. This line can be shortened, "Ecclesiastes" can be placed at the beginning
pity the living, not the dead.
Where are these demons who nimbly prance shoten
in danse macabre with quill and lance?
Dear God, dear God, they're coming nearer!
There! There! In the mirror! most of the poem follows the same rhythm, with the exception of the last stanza, feels a bit forced
Demons dance in a blood-red sky
above the corpses where they lie.
Thanks in advance for reading.
nb

I really enjoyed reading this and appreciated the twist at the end. The content is pretty solid, though you should definitely work on the rhythm, especially towards the end

[zahrakh]

Demons dance in a blood-red sky
above the corpses where they lie,
above the lies for which they fell;
tears on Earth, delight in Hell. (Although it has rhythm, the last line feels bit odd, tears on Earth, delight in hell?)

Like Dover Beach and Flanders' fields
the ground a grisly harvest yields
of noxious weeds and mangled shoots,
toxic dreams and caustic fruits.
(Very nice, this one was powerful)

Abel walks among the stars
but it is Cain who bears the scars.
Now I understand what Ecclesiastes said, (this line should be edited I think , Now I understand what... it is bit disturbing the flow)
pity the living, not the dead.(very well done)

Where are these demons who nimbly prance
in danse macabre with quill and lance?
Dear God, dear God, they're coming nearer! (You could use only one Dear God, I think it'll do)
There! There! In the mirror!

Demons dance in a blood-red sky
above the corpses where they lie.

I like this poem, the ominous, dark feeling to it very nicely presented.
I couldn't see much to change or critique.

[nb]

Hi all!


I thank zahrakh, Isaias, Filiocht & Billy for your comments.


How's this for a redraft:

Demons dance in a blood-red sky
above the corpses where they lie
above the lies for which they fell;

tears on Earth, delight in Hell.

Like Dover Beach and Flanders' fields
the ground a grisly harvest yields
of noxious weeds and mangled shoots,

toxic dreams and caustic fruits.

Abel walks among the stars
but it is Cain who bears the scars.
Now I get what Preacher said,
pity the living, not the dead.

Who are these demons that nimbly prance
in danse macabre with quill and lance?
Dear God, dear God, they're coming nearer.
There! There! In the mirror!

Demons dance in a blood red sky
above the corpses where they lie.


Thanks!


nb

[Brownlie]

Hi all!

Last week was a bad week here in the Holy Land: Lots of death, misery and extremism all around. The phrase "Demons dance in a blood-red sky" just popped into my head last Monday evening & I sat up until almost 01:00 writing a first draft.

--Ok, metrically this shows promise. However, Demons dance in a blood-red sky doesn't do much aside from the great sound it provides. Blood is already red. So, perhaps you intend the particular shade of red? 

So...


Demons dance in a blood-red sky
above the corpses where they lie, -- I wouldn't use this rhyme scheme to start off (takes away the seriousness), that is my preference though.
above the lies for which they fell;
tears on Earth, delight in Hell. -- This is a very generalized thing to say about war.


Like Dover Beach and Flanders' fields
the ground a grisly harvest yields -- Syntactically this seems a little deviant to hold the meter, perhaps.
of noxious weeds and mangled shoots,
toxic dreams and caustic fruits.

Abel walks among the stars
but it is Cain who bears the scars.
Now I understand what Ecclesiastes said,
pity the living, not the dead.

Where are these demons who nimbly prance -- Nimbly prancing demons sounds a little comic to me, but I suppose I can be sarcastic. This line is a little off to.
in danse macabre with quill and lance? -- quill and lance is a sort of interesting variant on what appears to be the pen and the sword idea.
Dear God, dear God, they're coming nearer!
There! There! In the mirror! -- Kind of an interesting turn here at the end.


Demons dance in a blood-red sky
above the corpses where they lie.



Thanks in advance for reading.

nb

Well, you've got the metrical sound down for sure. However, I think your hindering yourself with phrases void of any referent (though the idea of sense may be liminal or something like that).

Thanks for posting.