Night and Day

[drithebee]

You are the day.
I am the night.
You are the light.
I am the dark.
But in your sights all flames are dull,
and embers embrace a stiller soul.
You shine so bright it's hard to bare,
so I offer you my cloak to wear.
For my embrace on either side,
gives mortal eyes a place to hide.
The fairest face has power more
than earthly creatures can endure.
And what a pity it would find
to, by your brilliance, turn them blind.
The world of light can now be shown,
because my shadow has been thrown.
You are the day.
I am the night.
And by my darkness, 
light is known.

[SimikPK]

You are the day.
I am the night. The first wo lines sound cliché to me - just showing a very obvious contrast.
You are the light.
I am the dark. The second two lines add nothing new to what is already said.
But in your sights all flames are dull,
and embers embrace a stiller soul.
You shine so bright it's hard to bare, The idea included here is nice - the day stronger than everything else that gives light, but do you need to say this one point in three lines? Bear spells like this, not *bare. Sould and dull do not rhyme too well.

so I offer you my cloak to wear. This is the strongest point of the poem, IMHO - the night actually helping the day + the mortals, making the day meaningful.
For my embrace on either side, Both-sided embrace is nice image.
gives mortal eyes a place to hide.
The fairest face has power more
than earthly creatures can endure. Here it is repetition of what is already said - that they cannot endure it is suggested already in the "place to hide"
And what a pity it would find
to, by your brilliance, turn them blind.
The world of light can now be shown,
because my shadow has been thrown. Again repetition of the already said things: the lyrical subject has already "offered the cloak".
You are the day.
I am the night.
And by my darkness, 
light is known. Last four lines do not say anything new, everything has already been said.

Additionally, there seem to me to be too many topic to this poem, none elaborated enoug - I and you being night and day, the day being too strong, the night´s concern for the "mortals", the night helping the day + shielding the mortals... Choosing the central topic - "the night gives meaning to the day, resp. makes day acceptable" and elaborating on it would make the point of this poem stronger.

The rhythm in the middle section flows quite well due to the rhyming, however, the first and last four lines don´t.

[Owl]

To me, the title is too cliche and uncomfortably explicit, though you do have some really great lines scattered throughout the poem, so don't be discouraged at all! I think if you thought through the title a bit more, you'd come up with a much more interesting (keep it relevant!) set of words to label your poem with.
Also, I don't know much about meter at all, but since you're rhyming here, I think (if you haven't already) you should look into how that is crucial to this sort of poem to be sure that you're applying it correctly.

You are the day.
I am the night.
You are the light.
I am the dark. I'll just start here: L1-L4 are far too overused. I've heard those phrases before-- though, I bet that you could conjure up a really amazing/original way of restating those ideas, including words dense with meaning. In the process, you could probably cut them down successfully into 2 lines instead of 4.
But in your sights all flames are dull, A non plural form of "sight" seems more appropriate here, I'm a bit unsure though.
and embers embrace a stiller soul.
You shine so bright it's hard to bare, This line definitely needs more imagination integrated within it, otherwise it'll border on being awkwardly cliche (which also hinders this line's effectiveness).
so I offer you my cloak to wear.
For my embrace on either side,
gives mortal eyes a place to hide.
The fairest face has power more
than earthly creatures can endure.
And what a pity it would find
to, by your brilliance, turn them blind. The cutoff that "by your brilliance" is too stiff and seems to throw me off when I'm reading through the line.
The world of light can now be shown,
because my shadow has been thrown.
You are the day.
I am the night. This line, and the one prior, seem to need revision because they have the same issues that L1-L4 have.
And by my darkness,
light is known.

[billy]

just to add a bit of weight to what owl and reiterate that you have some cliche in the poem that could be changed for original phrases. the first four lines are basically an extended cliche (four in one) a suggestion would be to do away with the first four lines (the title does the job just as well) and start the poem at:

In your sights all flames are dull,

another suggestion would be to edit out as amny small words as you can i've pointed some of them out in bold in the body of the poem, there are more you could remove. dull/soul doesn't rhyme. there are other problems with the poem that hopefully others will point out.

You are the day.
I am the night.
You are the light.
I am the dark.
But in your sights all flames are dull,i quite like sights as it can be seen in more than one way.
and embers embrace a stiller soul.
You shine so bright it's hard to bare,
so I offer you my cloak to wear.
For my embrace on either side,
gives mortal eyes a place to hide.
The fairest face has power more
than earthly creatures can endure.
And what a pity it would find
to, by your brilliance, turn them blind.
The world of light can now be shown,
because my shadow has been thrown.
You are the day.
I am the night.
And by my darkness, 
light is known.

[drithebee]

Thank you for all the input.
I find it interesting that each of you were so eager to call out cliches like human fire alarms, as if their presence is a danger or sin. You realize there's a reason things become cliche don't you? Certain ideas feel right together and so enjoyed by the people before us. It is not wrong to employ for myself a topic that other individuals before me explored. Cliches carry a history of captivation and through large favor remained a source of fresh inspiration. Instead of casting them aside, using the power and influence they hold to sway the perception of the audience is a much better solution.
I wanted to discuss night and day, so it made sense to use the words night and day. Sure, if my goal was to be supercilious and obfuscatory I could talk in circles fixing metaphors to haughty vocabulary and give it some title that would make a good band name. But don't you think I have a purpose to the choices I made with this poem? It's not as if I just hastily typed in a first draft without any revisions of my own. I use simple language because I want everyone to be able to enjoy my poetry, and being able to get my point across clearly and easily is important to me. Should I even point out how your repetitive displeasure for cliches betrayed your propensity to embody them?

[ellajam]

Hi, dri, welcome.

But don't you think I have a purpose to the choices I made with this poem? It's not as if I just hastily typed in a first draft without any revisions of my own.

We have no way of knowing whether a poem posted has had 5 minutes or 5 years invested by the poet, readers critique from their own reaction to the poem.

If you feel this is finished and you are not interested in getting suggestions I can move this to another forum for you, just let me know.

Thank you for all the input.
I find it interesting that each of you were so eager to call out cliches like human fire alarms, as if their presence is a danger or sin. You realize there's a reason things become cliche don't you? Certain ideas feel right together and so enjoyed by the people before us. It is not wrong to employ for myself a topic that other individuals before me explored. Cliches carry a history of captivation and through large favor remained a source of fresh inspiration. Instead of casting them aside, using the power and influence they hold to sway the perception of the audience is a much better solution.
I wanted to discuss night and day, so it made sense to use the words night and day. Sure, if my goal was to be supercilious and obfuscatory I could talk in circles fixing metaphors to haughty vocabulary and give it some title that would make a good band name. But don't you think I have a purpose to the choices I made with this poem? It's not as if I just hastily typed in a first draft without any revisions of my own. I use simple language because I want everyone to be able to enjoy my poetry, and being able to get my point across clearly and easily is important to me. Should I even point out how your repetitive displeasure for cliches betrayed your propensity to embody them?

Your views on cliche are interesting and I'm sure they'd make for a lively discussion topic. Feel free to start a thread in Poetry Discussion, you clearly have strong views about it.

Again, welcome, ella/mod

[SimikPK]

Sorry mods if this is not the proper place to answer, if so, move this somewhere more proper

But don't you think I have a purpose to the choices I made with this poem?

I would like to point out that having a reason for any choices doesnt in itself make the readers or critics approve of those choices. Again, we comment in accord with how we read your poem. You may or may not accept our comments. It is up to you and your goals. But if you want to write poetry, which is communication between the author and the reader, you, I guess, have to pay some attention to what the readers say.

Should I even point out how your repetitive displeasure for cliches betrayed your propensity to embody them?

Please, do comment our poems or posts, and not us. We also did comment your poem, not you.

[rayheinrich]

Cliché is relative. It depends on your audience. When I first read Oliver Twist
I thought: "Jeezus! This guy has 27 clichés on every damn page".  (Shakespeare
fared much worse.)

It seems this audience, including myself, has heard your phrases so many times
before that they've worn out, cried wolf, been emptied of meaning, couldn't hold
a flogged dead horse of a different color even after it had left the barn bound
to be swapped for a kingdom with nary a look in its mouth or a prayer on its wing.

When a clichéd phrase falls into disuse, it can rise again like the Phoenix; when
it's used enough it becomes an idiom. But all that gray in between...

Readers are idiots, it's best to avoid them.

[billy]

just because yo had a choice, doesn't mean you chose the correct one.
while it is a poem, it doesn't read as though the poet spent a long time on it.
things lose their power when they become cliche. of course in certain poems a cliche or two can add to the poem, i've praised an odd cliche for that very thing. here the cliche feels heavy and boring. we're not attacking you. we're just pointing out what we see in the poem. it's what a workshop's for. the people who replied are doing so in order to help you and all the others members here become better at writing poetry. at some point in the future you'll look back at what wrote about cliche and laugh about it. we like you, i like you i want to like you but i can't see the poem you wrote as being a good poem when compared to what i think of  good poetry. i do hope you stay and post and try and improve like everyone else here does. :J:

we can get our point across clearly and be original in doing so at the same time.

Thank you for all the input.
I find it interesting that each of you were so eager to call out cliches like human fire alarms, as if their presence is a danger or sin. You realize there's a reason things become cliche don't you? Certain ideas feel right together and so enjoyed by the people before us. It is not wrong to employ for myself a topic that other individuals before me explored. Cliches carry a history of captivation and through large favor remained a source of fresh inspiration. Instead of casting them aside, using the power and influence they hold to sway the perception of the audience is a much better solution.
I wanted to discuss night and day, so it made sense to use the words night and day. Sure, if my goal was to be supercilious and obfuscatory I could talk in circles fixing metaphors to haughty vocabulary and give it some title that would make a good band name. But don't you think I have a purpose to the choices I made with this poem? It's not as if I just hastily typed in a first draft without any revisions of my own. I use simple language because I want everyone to be able to enjoy my poetry, and being able to get my point across clearly and easily is important to me. Should I even point out how your repetitive displeasure for cliches betrayed your propensity to embody them?

[azure]

You are the day.
I am the night.
You are the light.
I am the dark.
But in your sights all flames are dull,
and embers embrace a stiller soul.
You shine so bright it's hard to bare,
so I offer you my cloak to wear.
For my embrace on either side,
gives mortal eyes a place to hide.
The fairest face has power more
than earthly creatures can endure.
And what a pity it would find
to, by your brilliance, turn them blind.
The world of light can now be shown,
because my shadow has been thrown.
You are the day.
I am the night.
And by my darkness, 
light is known.

I enjoyed your passionate response to others critiques pointing out the cliches in your poem. I do understand trying to implement language that has a more universal appeal. It just seems as though you had become rather rigid and defensive while addressing their constructive criticism. In my opinion, why post in a workshop setting if you don't intend to use other people's suggestions to hone your craft? Anyway on to the poem itself...

I have issues with the way the poem is formatted. I find it rather unattractive and it distracts me from delving deeper. Maybe you can break up the poem into separate stanzas? You decide. I enjoyed the evolution of the opening lines (L1 through L4)  into the closing. Simple, a nice spiritual insight. Although, unfortunately the four open lines seriously are cliched... As a pseudo-intellectual they make me lose faith in the rest of the poem.

[Pious Baloney]

I wonder if you truncated the first 4-lines to two whether that would take too much away from your piece. The lion's share of your poem has good flow and rhyme to it...except at the beginning and end. As a reader...this occurring at the end isn't as distracting as at the beginning. Perhaps instead of the first 4-lines as is...just keeping the part that rhymes:

'I am the night.'
'You are the light.'

Then proceed with the poem as is thereafter.

[rayheinrich]

... As a pseudo-intellectual, they make me lose faith in the rest of the poem....

Even actual, real, and for all intents and porpoises intellectuals
would, if they had it to lose, which they don't since they're fucking
intellectuals, would.

[azure]

... As a pseudo-intellectual, they make me lose faith in the rest of the poem....

Even actual, real, and for all intents and porpoises intellectuals
would, if they had it to lose, which they don't since they're fucking
intellectuals, would.

All my brain could formulate was:

poop.

[rayheinrich]

... As a pseudo-intellectual, they make me lose faith in the rest of the poem....

Even actual, real, and for all intents and porpoises intellectuals
would, if they had it to lose, which they don't since they're fucking
intellectuals, would.

All my brain could formulate was:

poop.

Said like a true intellectual.

[ellajam]

While this thread has long ago been abandoned by the OP, please try to keep the comments on comments on comments to a minimum on the poem threads. I know it's fun but not a good pattern to set.
Thanks, ella/mod/partyPOOPer
><

[Isaias]

You are the day.
I am the night.
You are the light.
I am the dark. <<< L1-L4, very cliché. "Roses are red, violets are blue." Comes to mind
But in your sights all flames are dull,
and embers embrace a stiller soul. I enjoyed this line both in rhythm and content
You shine so bright it's hard to bare, Also cliché, feels like a filler
so I offer you my cloak to wear.
For my embrace on either side,
gives mortal eyes a place to hide. I enjoyed these last three lines. Great rhythm and imagery
The fairest face has power more
than earthly creatures can endure.
And what a pity it would find
to, by your brilliance, turn them blind.
The world of light can now be shown,
because my shadow has been thrown.
You are the day. Once again, these two lines take away from the poem
I am the night.
And by my darkness, 
light is known.

Overall a pretty solid piece, though it could definitely improve if you put a little more time into it and remain open to feedback.