haiku

[Tamara]

this is just not working for me. anyone has some good suggestions?

etched on the moon
behind the clouds
my listless wandering

[Tiger the Lion]

Hi Tamara, I read that there is something forever carved on the moon that the narrator does not care about. What are you trying to say in L2? Line 2 is your steering wheel.If you replace "the" with the right adjective, you might direct to reader more clearly. I understand the indifference, but you need to care about the indifference just a hint more in L2. Also, you may not need "my" in L3, if the reader is ready to identify with you.
Good Luck,
Paul

[Tamara]

etched on the moon
behind stratus clouds
listless wandering

it's better, i suppose. thank you paul.

mamta

[alatos]

I may just be too slow for this one, but I'm unclear on the meaning. Wandering is etched on the moon behind the clouds?

[Tamara]

i think i need to rewrite the whole thing. thank you for checking it out.

[Tiger the Lion]

Hey Tamara, it's tough when editing kills your original thought, don't be discouraged. Keep the original and go back to it when you're ready. - Paul

[Tamara]

Thank you Paul. I think I'll do just that.

[rayheinrich]

"etched on the moon
behind the clouds
my listless wandering"

'Etched' and 'my' aren't necessary.

Haiku isn't the scene, it's the observer viewing it.
The writer composes it to enable the reader to experience it.
Nature isn't outside us or inside us, it IS us
(crickets and cherry blossoms and frogs and us).

If the moon is wandering, we are wandering.
So:

behind the clouds
the moon
wandering

[Tamara]

"etched on the moon
behind the clouds
my listless wandering"

'Etched' and 'my' aren't necessary.

Haiku isn't the scene, it's the observer viewing it.
The writer composes it to enable the reader to experience it.
Nature isn't outside us or inside us, it IS us
(crickets and cherry blossoms and frogs and us).

If the moon is wandering, we are wandering.
So:

behind the clouds
the moon
wandering

 

Thank you for that great explanation. It made sense. And I am sure it is going to help me in my haiku writing.

[rayheinrich]

Thank you for that great explanation. It made sense. And I am sure it is going to help me in my haiku writing.

Thank you for thinking my explanation made sense.

[Mwaba don]

this is just not working for me. anyone has some good suggestions?

etched on the moon
behind the clouds
my listless wandering

Line two is a little strange. I am not sure how it relates to the meaning of the first line.

[Tamara]

i am going to edit this one. thank you to everyone for their input.

[rayheinrich]

this is just not working for me. anyone has some good suggestions?

etched on the moon
behind the clouds
my listless wandering

Possible relations:
Line two is a little strange. I am not sure how it relates to the meaning of the first line.

Here are a few possible relations:
I am the moon who is behind the clouds, where are you?
My listless wandering is illuminated (made apparent) by the moon.
My listless wandering is obscured, like the moon behind clouds.
My mother, where are you? I cannot find my home.
I am lost, hidden, only the moon knows.

[haikutec]

Hi Tamara,

this is just not working for me. anyone has some good suggestions?

etched on the moon
behind the clouds
my listless wandering

I've deliberately not read the comments yet.

The first line is very atmospheric:
"etched on the moon"

I wonder about switching lines two and three? Partly as you retain the classic short long short line shape, but also to avoid an inversion.

if you were aiming for a pivot line I don't think it's necessary to allow this to be a poem that resonates.

warm regards,

Alan

[Tamara]

so it should be:

etched on the moon
my listless wandering
behind the clouds.

reads better.

[haikutec]

Hi Tamara,

so it should be:

etched on the moon
my listless wandering
behind the clouds.

reads better.

Not necessarily should be, I'm just thinking out aloud. :-)

But it's a start, to get it to the next draft version. After all Basho took years on his haibun, so we are allowed to take a little time too. :-)

But the syntax is already better.

It's good to consider whether you need both articles, do you need that second 'the' in the last line for instance?

regards,

Alan

[Tamara]

ok, i will get back to this.

[Erthona]

"etched on the moon
behind the clouds
my listless wandering "

I think it makes sense just like it is, if one takes the time to consider it.

"etched in the moon" - a message, a thought, a communication, although not really etched, just an aspect of the moon that relates to your "Listless wandering," which could be mental or physical.

"behind the clouds" - the message is obscured, or maybe just hidden from view but not necessarily from intuition.

"my listless wandering" - The word lunatic comes from the word Luna (the ancient Roman goddess personifying the moon). As the moon is said to cause people to act strangely, but the reason behind this remains obscure (as the moon behind the clouds), although there is no doubt that this is proven fact. Look at any police blotter, or any emergency room intake list for a weekend with a full moon. I used to be the weekend program director for the behavioral health (mostly duel diagnosis women) unit in a private psych hospital. I knew that on any weekend with a full moon, I was going to walk into a bloodbath on Saturday morning, literally. Despite all sharp object being meticulously removed from their living area, they would always find something to be able to cut themselves with. It happened at other times, but always on full moons and always to a much greater extent.
Also the moon has been blamed for restlessness, or loneliness. Take the (popular)image of the mated for life wolf, howling for his lost mate at the full moon, and all the emotions that conveys.

Listless may be a little too low energy to associate with the moon, but who is to say what the moon my conjure. Rewriting your poem the way I would feel is not my job, only offering possible technical improvements. So what if the feelings you get from the moon do not line up with what others feel or what I feel, most people do not feel the need to move to an island and worship the moon either as the women of Domina Oriens did who were said to be the first victims of the Inquisition.

I have no technical help to offer, I only could tell you how to make it more like I would like it, which of course would make it my poem, not yours

Dale

[amiwrite]

this is just not working for me. anyone has some good suggestions?

etched on the moon
behind the clouds
my listless wandering

honestly I do not understand the meaning, or rather what you are trying to convey. I understand that there is something etched onto the moon (which stands behind clouds) but I do not see how these three lines tie in together. My suggestion would be to rewrite this, with specifically the moon in mind.

[dwestmor]

Hi, so I'm kind of confused with the last line. The first two seem to signify something with ethereal perminance but the last line evokes a feeling of flighty impression of impremenance.
these two don't seem congruqnt to me.