Eternal Turn Around

[Starbeam]

I pray.
I breathe.
I feel the blanket of shame
Entrapped in a stunning stress break point
Layered from years of lies
Lies from the entangled mesh of a smile/frown twist.
Years of forgetting that I have a voice.
Years of forgetting that I have my choice.  
On my knees beneath His sky, I rise.
Refusing to regret one step in truth.
I turn around embraced by my Creator, my Father, my God.
Unwrapped to my life-breathed face.  
I know His voice, I feel my choice
I forget my pain and beat my heart.
Consume His Love forever light
My breast expands, a sanctuary, now.
I can forget, He has and did.
I live, the infinite - Heaven IS.

[Starbeam]

Wow. I must have torn it up with this poem. No criticism

[Tamara]

I pray.
I breathe.
I feel the blanket of shame
Entrapped in a stunning stress break point
Layered from years of lies
Lies from the entangled mesh of a smile/frown twist.
Years of forgetting that I have a voice.
Years of forgetting that I have my choice.  
On my knees beneath His sky, I rise.
Refusing to regret one step in truth.
I turn around embraced by my Creator, my Father, my God.
Unwrapped to my life-breathed face.  
I know His voice, I feel my choice
I forget my pain and beat my heart.
Consume His Love forever light
My breast expands, a sanctuary, now.
I can forget, He has and did.
I live, the infinite - Heaven IS.

The period in the lines give it a staccato effect. But the poem is ridden with cliches. I like the spiritual vibe but maybe you could rework it with better word choices and tighten it by removing the redundant words and lines.

[Starbeam]

I pray.
I breathe.
I feel a tighting of shame round my dove shaped wrists.
Entrapped. Blank. At stress break point.
Layered with years of listening to unspoken whispers of a forgotten promise.
Lies from the entangled mesh of a smile/frown twist.
Years forgotten that I have a voice.
Years forgotten that I have my choice.  
On my knees beneath His sky, I rise.
Refusing to regret one step in truth.
I turn around embraced by my Creator, my Father, my God.
Unwrapped to my life-breathed face.  
I know His voice, I feel my choice
I forget my pain and beat my heart.
Consume His Love forever light
My breast expands, a sanctuary, now.
I can forget, He has and did.
I live, the infinite - Heaven IS.

The period in the lines give it a staccato effect. But the poem is ridden with cliches. I like the spiritual vibe but maybe you could rework it with better word choices and tighten it by removing the redundant words and lines.

[Starbeam]

Thanks for the criticism. I think it's much better now. I still think it's pretty darn good for my first poem on here

[Tamara]

yes, definitely it is. i was only giving my suggestions. i didn't mean to discourage you. my initial poems were lame. you are good.

[Starbeam]

yes, definitely it is. i was only giving my suggestions. i didn't mean to discourage you. my initial poems were lame. you are good.

Thanks! I am encouraged!!!

[vagabond]

I pray.
I breathe.
I feel the blanket of shame
Entrapped in a stunning stress break point
Layered from years of lies
Lies from the entangled mesh of a smile/frown twist.
Years of forgetting that I have a voice.
Years of forgetting that I have my choice.  
On my knees beneath His sky, I rise.                                       I would find it interesting what made you rise again
Refusing to regret one step in truth.                                              ... and why one should ever regret steps towards truth
I turn around embraced by my Creator, my Father, my God.       it is illogical that you turn around when you were walking towards truth before
Unwrapped to my life-breathed face.               
I know His voice, I feel my choice           You know the voice of GOD, o.k. then give the reader a glimpse of it!
I forget my pain and beat my heart.        why do you beat your heart?
Consume His Love forever light                
My breast expands, a sanctuary, now.          
I can forget, He has and did.                     maybe it should be "I can forgive, ..." instead "forget". and why do you say "he has AND did"? GOD either has forgiven (too) or did forgive.  you could write something like "He always did"

I live, the infinite - Heaven IS.                   

this gives me lots of questions instead of carrying me along your spiritual chorus of praise. but i admit that would be hard for every poem.

[lock1]

I pray.
I breathe.
I feel the blanket of shame
Entrapped in a stunning stress break point
Layered from years of lies
Lies from the entangled mesh of a smile/frown twist. (don't use/ in your writing)
Years of forgetting that I have a voice.
Years of forgetting that I have my choice.
On my knees beneath His sky, I rise.
Refusing to regret one step in truth.
I turn around embraced by my Creator, my Father, my God.
Unwrapped to my life-breathed face.
I know His voice, I feel my choice
I forget my pain and beat my heart.
Consume His Love forever light
My breast expands, a sanctuary, now.
I can forget, He has and did.
I live, the infinite - Heaven IS.

I like your message, the last line definitely gets your point across. I feel like perhaps you could have built up your message a little better in order to beef it up a little. Your comma placement is interesting but I'm not opposed to it.

[zahrakh]

I pray.
I breathe.
I feel the blanket of shame
Entrapped in a stunning stress break point
Layered from years of lies
Lies from the entangled mesh of a smile/frown
twist. (smile/frown twist? It would be better if you decide which one it is. )
Years of forgetting that I have a voice. (Nice one)
Years of forgetting that I have my choice.
On my knees beneath His sky, I rise.
Refusing to regret one step in truth.
I turn around embraced by my Creator, my Father,
my God.(Turn around from/to what? Do you mean you are embraced after turning around?)
Unwrapped to my life-breathed face.
I know His voice, I feel my choice
I forget my pain and beat my heart.
Consume His Love forever light
My breast expands, a sanctuary, now.
I can forget, He has and did. (He has and did. It is bit confusing)
I live, the infinite - Heaven IS.

Nice message and subject. This poem is good for a first draft. There were some confusing parts, confusing to me. Hope it helped you in some way.

[Liz11]

I really liked the line "I turn around embraced by my Creator, my Father". Love the imagery here of turning a corner that I didn't get on my first couple of read-throughs. I question of the word choice of "stress break point" in line 4 though, it just felt a little bit strange to me as I read it but that may just be me. Love the message you conveyed here and I am impressed that this was your first post. I am new here too and you seem like you have a lot of talent for writing and great inspiration. Please keep going!!

[Christoph2]

From someone who still has not yet posted his first poem, I want to say great job.

I liked the blanket of shame and smile/frown twist, and how this lead up to having a voice/choice. It reminds me of that feeling of giving in and agreeing on what everyone else says and not having courage to speak the truth. I am not religious in the sense employed here so I disagree that it was god who gave this character hope! (If that was the intention). Funny thing is the poem I wrote is a little bit similar to this, with a spiritual twist, just not in the same way.

Good stuff looks like you worked hard on it, and I only hope when I post mine it will have the success this one does.