9.30.14 NY

[ellajam]

dark clouds on building tips
overlay clear skies
September
whirlwind memory
souls rising

[rowens]

The terrorist attacks did for D.H. Lawrence's birthday what Elvis Presley's death did for Groucho Marx' death.


Is buildings tips over- supposed to be some mean play on words?

[Tamara]

dark clouds on building tips (building tips, I keep reading it as building tops, but clouds on building tips give it a sort of image of balancing something )
overlay clear skies ( together with the first line, it gives  a good picture)
September
whirlwind memory
souls rising

The last three lines don't tie in nicely for me. I like the image but it is kind of choppy. It reads as three different images.

[ellajam]

The terrorist attacks did for D.H. Lawrence's birthday what Elvis Presley's death did for Groucho Marx' death.


Is buildings tips over- supposed to be some mean play on words?

The clouds this morning looked like the buildings where smoking, unusual formation. Yes, it's a mean world sometimes.

dark clouds on building tips (building tips, I keep reading it as building tops, but clouds on building tips give it a sort of image of balancing something )
overlay clear skies ( together with the first line, it gives  a good picture)
September
whirlwind memory
souls rising

The last three lines don't tie in nicely for me. I like the image but it is kind of choppy. It reads as three different images.

Thanks so much for reading and commenting, Tamara. I'll try to think of some way to make the bottom work. I appreciate your input.

[billy]

the date is an automatic 9/11 switch for me as is the whirlwind memory line. so i get something from the poem.
it feels very metaphorical but i'm presuming it's an actual image. not keen on souls rising as there really isn't a clear enough reference for such.

dark clouds on building tips
overlay clear skies
September
whirlwind memory
souls rising

[rowens]

Maybe you could combine the last lines in some way if you don't like them.



Buildings tip over, an enclosure of embers.

Meaning doesn't mean much anymore, now we're more about schizophrenic associations.

[ChristopherSea]

Marcella, I am not sure of the form, but perhaps you can sew the sections together
by linking your appearance of smoke atop the buildings this morn with that of 9/11,
along with a preposition, e.g.

September’s
smoky memories
of souls rising

[Erthona]

Patellajam (I kneed you)

Wonderful image, more like a painting than poetry: like a ghost that continues to hang around no matter how much time has passed. An overlay of the past onto the present.

I have no picks with this one.

Dale

[justcloudy]

Maybe you just need some pictures with the post!
http://www.buzzfeed.com/skarlan/the-clou...ingly?bffb&utm_term=4ldqpgp#1gu9t9g

The last line was a bit too metaphysical imo. ChristoherSea's suggestion tightened it up, but I think you can lose September since it's already in the title. Just thoughts. Thanks for the read!

[ellajam]

the date is an automatic 9/11 switch for me as is the whirlwind memory line. so i get something from the poem.
it feels very metaphorical but i'm presuming it's an actual image.  not keen on souls rising as there really isn't a clear enough reference for such.

dark clouds on building tips
overlay clear skies
September
whirlwind memory
souls rising

Thanks for the read, billy. I have a hard time describing the September energy in NY other than souls rising and descending. I'll try to move to something more concrete for this (most everything I think of is gruesome.) I'll think on it.

Maybe you could combine the last lines in some way if you don't like them.



Buildings tip over, an enclosure of embers.

Meaning doesn't mean much anymore, now we're more about schizophrenic associations.

No embers today, but hey, who's calling who schizophrenic? But I'm thinking about what you mean, even if I don't mean to.

Marcella, I am not sure of the form, but perhaps you can sew the sections together
by linking your appearance of smoke atop the buildings this morn with that of 9/11,
along with a preposition, e.g.

September’s
smoky memories
of souls rising

Hey, Chris, thanks for stopping by. The form doesn't matter, but it's pretty well agreed I've got some loose stitches there. I'll think about the of. It really was a concrete experience, shame I didn't stop to take a pic, hoping someone else did and I can find and steal it. I appreciate you trying to help me make this one work.

Patellajam (I kneed you)

Wonderful image, more like a painting than poetry: like a ghost that continues to hang around no matter how much time has passed. An overlay of the past onto the present.

I have no picks with this one.

Dale

Oh, Rythona (I knead you)

Although I'm going to play with this to see if I can do better, it's nice to have someone see it on the same wavelength that I do. Thanks for the read and notes, I'll try not to lose that.

[rowens]

I'm thinking about what you mean, even if I don't mean to.

You mean you're not mean too?

[ellajam]

I'm thinking about what you mean, even if I don't mean to.

You mean you're not mean too?

Sometimes mean slips out, but that's not what I meant.
We better stop this soon or I'll have to mod myself. Again.

[rowens]

You're being mean to justcloudy, I call justclewdy in my private moments, by not responding to her and her links.

Terrorism is serious business. Peoples die. Is that what you meant?

[ellajam]

You're being mean to justcloudy, I call justclewdy in my private moments, by not responding to her and her links.

Terrorism is serious business. Peoples die. Is that what you meant?

The clouds just scared me this morning. But they were just clouds. And they made me write a poem, even if it's not a very good one, so they cant be all bad. And I love justcloudy.

[rowens]

Be careful, she's married.

And the poem isn't all bad. Most of it isn't even bad.

[ellajam]

Maybe you just need some pictures with the post!
http://www.buzzfeed.com/skarlan/the-clou...ingly?bffb&utm_term=4ldqpgp#1gu9t9g

The last line was a bit too metaphysical imo. ChristoherSea's suggestion tightened it up, but I think you can lose September since it's already in the title. Just thoughts. Thanks for the read!

Hey, JC, I missed this. Thanks for the pics, when I checked this morning there was nothing so good. Spooky and unusual.

But mostly thanks for stopping in. I think you're right about September, maybe it could turn on memory or reminder or something better (better, I hope ). I'll try to absorb all the comments and do a double look at Chris', then try a rewrite.
Hi, JC

[heslopian]

Good senryu which, though set in September, the latter margin of summer and beginning of autumn, has a very wintery feel to it. The closing lines make me think of expelled white breath. Thank you for the read