one line haiku

[Tamara]

jazz notes the blues we had unsung

[rayheinrich]

jazz notes the blues we had unsung

perfect

[Tamara]

thank you, ray.

[rayheinrich]

thank you, ray.

I'm on my fifth interpretation; it seems like every word is a cutting word.
Wonderful.

Ray



P.S. One-line haiku?  
I forgot who said this: "In fucking Japanese it's one line."

Know of Marlene Mountain? She specializes in one-line-haiku.
A few of hers:

new year's same old rotten world beautiful earth

surrounded by non-kigo nature ah

intellectuals do 'genesis' a jaw bone between lucy & us from mars

picture-perfect nature

i've come to the fir and learned of acid clouds

She does visual haiku as well.

Marlene Mountain

[Tiger the Lion]

Wonderful. Deftly crafted. Works best as one line too.

[billy]

something i've not come across. but but does read will.

[bena]

I would drop the words "we had" :


jazz notes the blues unsung

But that's just my thoughts.

[Erthona]

If one were going to drop "we had", shouldn't they also drop the "the" ? I would also cap the "J" in jazz to denote that it is a personification and thus is able to "note".

"Jazz notes blues unsung"

The shorter version is more intellectual. The original allows a human connection because it includes the "we", showing some kind of human interaction, which allows an emotional connection. There are positive aspects of both.

I think it would be fun if you wrote three versions and maybe something along the lines of "Jazz notes Blues".

Just a thought. bena always does that when she gives me her evil eye. Now what am I supposed to do with that!

It's like Frozone said,

"Superladies? They're always trying to tell you their secret identity... think it'll strengthen the relationship or something like that. I say, "Girl, I don't wanna know about your mild-mannered alter ego or anything like that. I mean, you tell me you're, uh... S-Super, Mega, Ultra Lightning Babe, that's alright with me. I'm good... I'm good. "

dale

[Tamara]

or maybe

Jazz notes unsung blues

Thank you all for the comments and critiques. This is my first one line haiku. I am just experimenting with the form.

[rayheinrich]

'jazz notes the blues we had unsung'

The 'we had' is the crux of the whole damn thing as it entails an introspection
without which we wouldn't be aware of what had been left unsung.  
Sure, 'jazz notes blues unsung' and 'jazz notes unsung blues' work just fine
if you're defining some aspect of jazz; but as a poem I much prefer the depth,
the expanded levels of meaning added by the 'we had'.

P.S. The above poem works splendidly as a Marlene Mountain one line English haiku
(she pretty much defined them).  One line English haiku are not English haiku...
(and what a useless thing for me to say).

"If you call an orange an apple long enough you're right." - David Barnhart

[Tamara]

thank you ray. i was just looking at the possibilities. i am keeping the original. i think that works best as a one line haiku.

[rayheinrich]

thank you ray. i was just looking at the possibilities. i am keeping the original. i think that works best as a one line haiku.

cool!

[maximumjake]

this poem beautiful.

[Tamara]

thank you.

[maximumjake]

whenever I read this poem I feel my brain, my guts, and my heart move. Then I do a little trembling thing with my body sometimes.

[b.abraham]

I love it. Though I'm also not a big fan of "we had". This might be different from your intention but I would try
"Jazz notes our blues unsung"
that's a big change, but it would be something to play around with!

[rayheinrich]

whenever I read this poem I feel my brain, my guts, and my heart move. Then I do a little trembling thing with my body sometimes.

Haiku that induce considerable fluctuation in our bodily fluids should be noted
and either encouraged or discouraged depending upon the result of their effects.

[donbouquet]

excellent - reminds me of marlene mountain's one line haiku

[azure]

jazz notes the blues we had unsung

I hear laughter in this poem! Inspired me to try one line haiku, or "monoku". Thanks for the creativity!