Pollen - haiku??

[tomoffing]

Powerful sneeze-
wind stirred seeds
lift tissue sales.


any guidance appreciated, i'm bran new to anything short form.

[ChristopherSea]

Hey Tom, I don't know much about haiku (not saying this is one), but I like it, especially the alliteration, slant rhyme and play on 'lift.' My only advise would be to put a comma after sneeze and use the en dash after seeds for pause between the concrete images and the 'tissue sales'. Cheers/Chris

[billy]

for me it's more senryu than haiku because of the tissue sales which aren't exactly in the moment but that said i wouldn't change it.

[Tamara]

Powerful sneeze-
wind stirred seeds
lift tissue sales.


any guidance appreciated, i'm bran new to anything short form.

reads well to me though i am against using upper case in haiku/senryu.

[Tiger the Lion]

Powerful sneeze-
wind stirs seeds
lifts tissue sales.

...would be my suggestion.

Paul

[just mercedes]

Powerful sneeze-
wind stirred seeds
lift tissue sales.
any guidance appreciated, i'm bran new to anything short form.

Something about this I like, though rhyme isn't used much in haiku. Also - pollen is not seeds. Maybe something like this ~

powerful sneeze
wind-stirred dust
tissue sales lift