The Fires of Two

[LorettaYoung]

inThe Fires of two

Two fires drawing near
a tender kiss behind the ear
melting into grasping feel
fuel the fires growing dear
which now embrace exotic rhymes
roaring flames that intertwine
effortless and sublime
one in space and one in time

smiles, laughing wiles
unwanted limits defiled
then, i would unzip your trousers
and in your groin plant fragrant flowers
blossoms of wet honey
full of fire, passions and desires
by whimsy, wanting your power

I remember that shower
deep within and wet,
no man made barriers set
we rode the ferris wheel
you behind me on the carousel
heavenly fire we did steal,

The fires of two
consumed together
endure then
reluctant surrender
as slight the dying embers
on the cold stone floor

the temporal of such we find
and that with tears
we leave behind
although sublime
a moment of that open door
is now but dust
on a cold stone floor

[Jinxy]

The Fires of Two

Two fires drawing near
a subtle spark behind the ear
melting into grasping feel
fuel the fires growing dear
which now embrace exotic rhymes
the flames that dance melodiously, this line breaks the rhythm and rhyme quite noticeably, consider a period, stanza break, or a new choice of words
then intertwine, effortless and sublime should be 'intertwining' as you used "drawing" and "burning" etc.
one in space and one in time
compared to history a momentary rhyme
the naked truth of he and me by this point it's all just such a mouthful, you need to insert a break or two
flesh, spirit and mind; two fires combined
burning together, endeavor surrender Endeavouring (to) surrender?
to ultimate moments like this
unfolding in fires of bliss

smiles, laughing wiles
unwanted limits defiled
then, i would unzip your trousers
and in your groin plant fragrant flowers
blossoms of wet honey
full of fire, passions and desires
by whimsy, wanting your power
I remember that shower consider a new stanza or at least insert a period on the last line, totally different idea from what's here
deep within and wet,
no man made barriers set
we rode the ferris wheel
you behind me on the carousel
heavenly fire did we steal,
the fires of two
consumed together
endure then reluctant surrender tense issue, "consumed, endured, reluctantly surrendered"
bliss and pain to both remember
slight the dying embers
on the cold stone floor

It feels like a tongue twister, you try to jump around several rhyme schemes in the first stanza and use only one semicolon. As well, be sure to watch your tenses.

[kindofahippy]

Hi Loretta, welcome to the Pigpen.

The title of the poem instantly conjures up sexual images. If the romantic appeal is your desired emphasis, consider changing the title.

The theme is very overused. I don't personally prefer reading love poetry, but i see the theme so often here that i'm inspired to borrow a library book or two on the subject. After i do that, i'll edit this comment with any areas i see where this poem falls into cliche.

I found the rhythm readable out loud, but it felt rushed and some places were very jarring. Here are the two most troubling lines:

the flames that dance melodiously,[...]
________________________________
compared to history a momentary rhyme[...]

Both of these lines take much longer to enunciate then the surrounding. it throws me off and prevents me from building up intensity through the poem.

Another weak area i see is all the inversion stuff. I'm very guilty of the same thing, it's so tempting to do to make the rhyme chime.

smiles, laughing wiles Perhaps laughing "while"?
unwanted limits defiled
then, i would unzip your trousers
and in your groin plant fragrant flowers
blossoms of wet honey Umph.
full of fire, passions and desires
by whimsy, wanting your power
I remember that shower
deep within and wet,
Oh yes, sexy furry stuff, grrrr

we rode the ferris wheel[...]
heavenly fire did we steal,[...]

A poem doesn't have to rhyme, but if it does, a pleasant surprise is being able to read through the poem like i'm reading a normal piece of writing. if i have to blink before i remember it's a series of rhyming couplets, then i feel that i'm reading good poetry.

The use of metaphor is stellar. On first read I thought i saw too many abstractions, but after my third and fourth read I'm convinced that the poem conveys a concrete image of embers from a fireplace crackling and fizzling out on the hearth, which is a metaphor for doing the horizontal hula.

and "bliss and pain to both remember" only helps this sound more furry than it already does, I wouldn't know if that's your intended reading

[problybombed]

Its funny I read your first paragraph all of a sudden i didn't need to read much more. Your poems rhyme structure was exactly what I dig and appreciate. So many people get caught up following a structurization that they loose their own identity and personality...I would suggest focus more on content that sets up the ur last word you rhyme with, at times it seemed a bit too much- example(intertwine down thru mind seems like forced rhymes) focus more on content than words

[LorettaYoung]

Its funny I read your first paragraph all of a sudden i didn't need to read much more. Your poems rhyme structure was exactly what I dig and appreciate. So many people get caught up following a structurization that they loose their own identity and personality...I would suggest focus more on content that sets up the ur last word you rhyme with, at times it seemed a bit too much- example(intertwine down thru mind seems like forced rhymes) focus more on content than words

---

Hi Probably: Thank you for commenting; when I wrote it i kept thinking FIRE
ergo; fast, and the rhymes kept coming. If I interrupt that won't it be more incongruous? This was one of my first poems and I have been editing it forever. Thanks for your input, but when you think of it, content is minimal; it's an experience. Loretta

[zmeansy]

Wow! Amazing!
This poem made me re-think posting until I refine my pen.
Beautiful! Just full of perfect Imagery and Symbolism.

[LorettaYoung]

Wow! Amazing!
This poem made me re-think posting until I refine my pen.
Beautiful! Just full of perfect Imagery and Symbolism.

---

Zmeansy: Thank you so much; i have edited this poem over and over and still feel it's not right; but it sure feels good for some positive feedback. Loretta

[SuicidalBlueJay]

inThe Fires of two

Two fires drawing near
a tender kiss behind the ear
melting into grasping feel
fuel the fires growing dear
which now embrace exotic rhymes
roaring flames that intertwine
effortless and sublime
one in space and one in time

smiles, laughing wiles
unwanted limits defiled
then, i would unzip your trousers
and in your groin plant fragrant flowers
blossoms of wet honey
full of fire, passions and desires
by whimsy, wanting your power

I remember that shower
deep within and wet,
no man made barriers set
we rode the ferris wheel
you behind me on the carousel
heavenly fire we did steal,

The fires of two
consumed together
endure then
reluctant surrender
as slight the dying embers
on the cold stone floor

the temporal of such we find
and that with tears
we leave behind
although sublime
a moment of that open door
is now but dust
on a cold stone floor

Wow. That was beautiful. Uhhh, I don't feel that I'm qualified to critique this poem... as I'm just a novice. But what can I say? Hmm.. the last two stanzas (if thats the right word?) both end with "cold stone floor"?

I dun know, maybe it takes away from the ending a little? take with a grain of salt...

[LorettaYoung]

Thanks suicidal: I'm new too; challenging huh? I am given to understand that some repetition, in the right place; emphasizes a point. Thanks for commenting, Loretta

[twisterkid34]

Erotic, but also saddening. I feel like we can all relate in some aspect to what you've written. I like the phrase "cold stone floor". It is obvious enough but also symbolic enough to get the message of loss across to the reader. Im not one for overly complicated writing and ambiguity. I think you do a good job of immediately addressing what you are writing about but in a tasteful way. Love and passion are full of such heat that I like the way fire is incorporated in. It maybe a cliche, but i like it. Its also why i like the cold stone floor part, the contrast really emphasizes the loss in the end.

[LorettaYoung]

Erotic, but also saddening. I feel like we can all relate in some aspect to what you've written. I like the phrase "cold stone floor". It is obvious enough but also symbolic enough to get the message of loss across to the reader. Im not one for overly complicated writing and ambiguity. I think you do a good job of immediately addressing what you are writing about but in a tasteful way. Love and passion are full of such heat that I like the way fire is incorporated in. It maybe a cliche, but i like it. Its also why i like the cold stone floor part, the contrast really emphasizes the loss in the end.

---

Thank you twister for commenting and your appreciation; those were things I was trying to portray; but am here trying to learn to do it better. Best, Loretta

[spacecoaster]

I loved your poem. I enjoyed the flow of the stanzas mind the few aforementioned parts. I enjoyed the surprising imaginary along with the more common imaginary. Together they made a clear picture for me. Although I loved the what you did with the fire theme it is a bit over done comparing the act of making love to a fire.


in The Fires of two

Two fires drawing near
a tender kiss behind the ear
melting into grasping feel
fuel the fires growing dear
which now embrace exotic rhymes
roaring flames that intertwine
effortless and sublime
one in space and one in time

smiles, laughing wiles
unwanted limits defiled
then, i would unzip your trousers
and in your groin plant fragrant flowers I like how you take the naughty(to me anyways) bits like "unzip..." &
blossoms of wet honey "groin" and surround them with sweeter images like "flowers" & "honey"
full of fire, passions and desires
by whimsy, wanting your power

I remember that shower
deep within and wet,
no man made barriers set
we rode the ferris wheel One of my favorite parts
you behind me on the carousel
heavenly fire we did steal,

The fires of two
consumed together
endure then
reluctant surrender
as slight the dying embers
on the cold stone floor I feel it should say "on A cold stone floor"

the temporal of such we find
and that with tears
we leave behind
although sublime
a moment of that open door
is now but dust
on a cold stone floor

[IHaveNoUsername]

smiles, laughing wiles
unwanted limits defiled
then, i would unzip your trousers <<"then," seems unnecessary
and in your groin plant fragrant flowers <<"and within your groin, plant fragrant flowers" add within for more eloquence
blossoms of wet honey <<wording confuses the metaphor? honey is not wet, as much as it is .. sticky or syrupy. I would suggest either a metaphor for something wet, or description that matches the consistency of honey, or maybe you could say "blossoms of warm honey"
full of fire, passions and desires
by whimsy, wanting your power

The fires of two
consumed together
endure then
reluctant surrender
as slight the dying embers
on the cold stone floor <<maybe speak more of "the end" of the relations like, focus on ending this stanza by further describing what is happening to the embers, such as "grow cool, hungering fresh timbers" to omit the repetition of "stone cold floor" from the last stanza

the temporal of such we find
and that with tears
we leave behind
although sublime
a moment of that open door
is now but dust
on a cold stone floor