This is the one.

[rowens]

The rhymes aren't good. That's obvious in just one rhyme

He cares not if her heart is already claimed,
For he wishes to tell her what he is named.

But the others aren't much better. The reason for this is that the poem is weakened by the out of control rhyming. You might could say something far more interesting and even poetic if you don't rely on the easiest words and ideas to meet your rhyme scheme. Maybe you didn't do that. But it seems like you did.

An honest desire for this woman is a must,
One not fed by the fire of lust.

How can there be an honest desire without lust? That could be a poem in itself.

[just mercedes]

First post...first poem in over 6 years...Not sure what to title this one...Thanks for the feedback in advance.


She wears a smile wide yet frail,
But her eyes tell a different tale:
One of pain and sorrow,
One that cannot be forgotten today nor tomorrow.  

She speaks with a softness in her every word,
Yet nothing of hers is ever misheard.  
This bravado she portrays,
Is equivalent to a dying bouquet.  'dying bouquet' is good imagery, but 'bravado' and 'equivalent' sound clunky

I may be mistaking fatigue for sadness,
Yet when she laughs I don't sense the gladness.  
Perhaps I should let her know,
That there is a man who sees right through her false glow. 

She needs to be told how lovely she looks,
Her beauty radiates when she reads her books. 
An honest desire for this woman is a must,

One not fed by the fire of lust.  

The emotions toward her continue to grow,
Through his veins they have started to flow.  
He wishes to lay it all out for the world to see,
His love for her is as strong as can be.  

They have never conversed,
But he feels as if he knows her most.  
Her vibe is a puzzle and more,
And he has figured out what she truly yearns for.  

He cares not if her heart is already claimed,
For he wishes to tell her what he is named.  
His face and name will never leave her mind,
As she forever searches for a love of his kind.

Hi - good for you, to take up writing again after such a long break! Your poem has some good imagery, and rhythm, but I think the rhyme lets it down. You use language because your need to rhyme is controlling the words, rather than you being in charge.

I'd like to see this poem in free verse, and hear your individual voice more. You appeared there for a while, in stanzas 3 and 4, but 'I' became 'he' again, and you retreated.

If you revise it, try to use only the words that are actually doing something in the poem - get rid of all the small filler words. Also try to use more concrete images - 'dying bouquet' works, but 'false glow' doesn't.