In The Japanese Garden

[spacecoaster]

In The Japanese Garden

Bow-shaped bridge
Red pebble path
Water reflects
Ripples dance
Enchanting sight
As water flows
Couples unite
Aubergine and lime
Moss, bamboo and fern
Maples delicate
Branches thick
Lilies strong as rocks surround
In the Japanese garden we are found

[tectak]

In The Japanese Garden

Bow-shaped bridge
Red pebble path
Water reflects
Ripples dance
Enchanting sight
As water flows
Couples unite
Aubergine and lime
Moss, bamboo and fern
Maples delicate
Branches thick
Lilies strong as rocks surround
In the Japanese garden we are found

Yes to this. Quite enchanting but rich in imagery and observational niceties. The somewhat whistful listful does not enhance the flow but what is flow except one thing after another? Still, I found myself looking for consistency on a third read and this certainly DOES detract from the content. I am not asking for punctuation but if you run on one liners then suddenly cannot say it in one, linking with "as" is a funicular let down...I met myself going down "as" I was on a rise. You do not need the simultaneous intent forced by "as". Just omit it.
One point though. If you ARE challenged by grammatical skills, like punctuation, you do yourself an injustice by believing that a capital letter on every line is your contribution to poetry. Why do it? After all, you do not rhyme with any intent and will not howl over my suggestion for the last two lines on the grounds that it ruins the rhyme scheme so I suspect you have no idea why. Nor do I.
The last line is not cute enough for a clever end...so for me, it's going to read
"Lilies strong as rocks surround
in the Japanese Garden."

...a good ending makes sense of what went before.
Best,
tectak.

[SimikPK]

In The Japanese Garden

Bow-shaped bridge
Red pebble path
Water reflects
Ripples dance
Enchanting sight
As water flows
Couples unite
Aubergine and lime
Moss, bamboo and fern
Maples delicate
Branches thick
Lilies strong as rocks surround
In the Japanese garden we are found

Hi. One of the qualities of the poem is that the thoughts included in lines continuously flow out of the previous ones - path out of bridge, water out of bridge, ripples out of water... the mention of Enchantig sight, however, somehow summarizes, encompasses it all and says nothing basically, for when the reader imagines what the poem describes, sure they (or some of them at least) will perceive it as enchantig. Also, why mention water three times, adding but little new? Watter reflects, ripples dance, water flows. The poem seems to dedicate one line to a new thought/concept, but with the water it somehow makes it too long. Saying "ripples dance" would say everything in two words - ripples suggest movement, no need to say that water flows. If I am not mistaken, dancing ripples would evoke the reflection of the sun authomatically. The poem appeals to various senses - first two lines to touch, than mostly to sight, and with mentioning the lime and auberigne also to smell, why not make the sun also appeal to some sense in a way that would enrich the complex image of the garden? Something like sun warms (poor suggestion, I know, just to illustrate). Also, I am not sure if the poem wants to show static or dynamic image, or both, because it kind of jumps: birdge and path are static, the water and ripples dynamic, the uniting couples dynamic, the plants static. Also, is the unition of couples somehow central to the poem? It is approximately in the middle, but exluding the last line, it is the only reference to human factor, which might seem disturbing among the imagery of the non-human parts of nature. As to the list line, I would omit completely, since it sounds cliché to me, and the line above - the strong lilies - is a strong point that renders the last line weak. Not sure what you want to say - describe the garden: for that you do not need to say that you are found there, to me, the meniton of the uniting couples is enough.

[spacecoaster]

Thank you both for the incredible feedback. I will post a revision soon.

[just mercedes]

Hi and welcome to the pen! Your poem has great imagery, so I'm hearing the water, seeing the scene with you. It's very Zen-like. I found a couple of things that bothered me - I don't like the caps at the start of each line, and either the title could do more work, or the last line could change.



In The Japanese Garden

Bow-shaped bridge
Red pebble path
Water reflects
Ripples dance
Enchanting sight A false note for me - I want another concrete image, not an abstract emotion
As water flows
Couples unite
Aubergine and lime I like the way you suggest that aubergine and lime are partners
Moss, bamboo and fern
Maples delicate
Branches thick This inversion bothers me - maybe one line, but both?
Lilies strong as rocks surround I love this simile
[In] the Japanese garden [we are found] are these needed? or just '...surround / us'

Thanks for posting this, I had a peaceful interlude in the gardens.

[simmon]

I love it.... so peaceful and the flow is very nice and simple... concept and the rhythm are match so well.
This is not valid critique. Do read the site rules and take note of the consequences of puerile commentry.
Mod

[rayheinrich]

In The Japanese Garden

A brief few crits:

Bow-shaped bridge
Red pebble path
Water reflects
Ripples dance <- excess, no need to add to the line above
Enchanting sight <-it's up to the reader, not writer, to decide if it's enchanting
As water flows
Couples unite <- reader is being told couples are uniting as if it's an act of god (or writer)
Aubergine and lime <- beautiful
Moss, bamboo and fern
Maples delicate
Branches thick
Lilies strong as rocks surround
In the Japanese garden we are found <- the effect of 'surround' above, and this line are not
only unnecessary, they damage the simple beauty of this poem.
You're telling the reader what she/he should feel/think about the poem.
It's your job to accomplish that from within the poem, not through instructions to the
reader. (And the rhyming couplet is jarring and out of place.)
"Lilies strong as rocks" is wonderful and should be the ending. imho.

[superfluid]

Very good imagery. I really like the rhythm. Almost feels like water dripping when I read it. I agree with what other's have posted regarding the last line. To me the final rhyme feels forced. I would end it more organically and not worry about a punchline.

[Heyyous]

In The Japanese Garden

Bow-shaped bridge
Red pebble path
Water reflects
Ripples dance // Possibly add as ? I'm new but I think it would flow better.
Enchanting sight // I agree with the others that I should be left to decide if the sight is enchanting
As water flows
Couples unite // this does not add to the image for me and actually bothers me
Aubergine and lime
Moss, bamboo and fern
Maples delicate
Branches thick
Lilies strong as rocks surround
In the Japanese garden we are found

My personal image is absolutely great until I hit that enchanting site line. I was lost in an image sitting on the bridge looking at the red pebble path in the water. Then everything just feels rushed and I do not see the picture anymore. The image does almost come back when you say lilies strong as rocks surround however, This is quite a peaceful thought.

[sharpietheysay]

I thoroughly enjoyed this poem--my favorite aspect of it being its simplicity. So many poets stuff their poems with unnecessary words, hoping that is what will make their poem come alive. But just as this experience in the garden has an uncomplicated serenity, so does your poem.
I will say though that you sort of lose it with "enchanting sight". We are hit with all these specific images, like that of the bridge and the bamboo, and then comes this line that is far too generic for this poem. Maybe bring in another image for us? Maybe about the sky? The wind? Something that brings us closer to being in this garden with the speaker.

[spacecoaster]

I have taken into consideration all the wonderful suggestions and I thank you all greatly. This is the revised poem. I am game for criticism on the revised version as well.
Japanese Garden (first revision)
Bow-shaped bridge
red pebble path
water reflects
ripples dance
couples unite
aubergine and lime
Moist moss under foot
Bamboo shadows keeping time
Maples delicate branches thick
Lilies strong as rocks surround
Japanese garden

[tectak]

I have taken into consideration all the wonderful suggestions and I thank you all greatly. This is the revised poem. I am game for criticism on the revised version as well.
Japanese Garden (first revision)
Bow-shaped bridge
red pebble path
water reflects
ripples dance
couples unite
aubergine and lime
Moist moss under foot
Bamboo shadows keeping time
Maples delicate branches thick
Lilies strong as rocks surround
Japanese garden

Yes. Leave it alone. Only nit is the apparently inconsistent line capitalising. Am I missing something?
A fine piece of Willow Pattern.
Best,
tectak

[SimikPK]

I have taken into consideration all the wonderful suggestions and I thank you all greatly. This is the revised poem. I am game for criticism on the revised version as well.
Japanese Garden (first revision)
Bow-shaped bridge
red pebble path
water reflects
ripples dance Still too much water.
couples unite
aubergine and lime
Moist moss under foot Well done - sensuous appeal
Bamboo shadows keeping time Well done - the reference to time
Maples delicate branches thick Could be two lines, up to you, obviously matter of taste.  
Lilies strong as rocks surround
Japanese garden No need to say that it is a japanese garden. We know that from the start. But better than the original attempt. 

Better than the first version.

[spacecoaster]

Ahhh...thank you very much! I suppose tectak I only capitalized because of the longer line. I have no good reason! I think I will keep the first and the last line capital for balance.  SimikPK thank you again for your great feedback. I value your opinion as you give very good feeedback.

[SimikPK]

Ahhh...thank you very much! I suppose tectak I only capitalized because of the longer line. I have no good reason! I think I will keep the first and the last line capital for balance.  SimikPK thank you again for your great feedback. I value your opinion as you give very good feeedback.

Thank you, but consider me a pro or experienced or authority by no means I am a beginner just like you. Thanks for accepting the feedback so well. Looking forward to your other works.