Who's at the door?

[Keith]

Meet Pinto the mouse and his family of three,
who lived by my pond in the roots of a tree
Elmina his wife and their two naughty boys,
Hushka the quiet and Deano the noise.

One night in a storm came a tap at my door
and there they stood just three of the four.
The rain was so heavy their defenses had burst
and poor little Hushka had washed away first.

Deano explained he'd lost sight of his brother,
had tried to follow but was held by his mother.
They’d searched for two hours in mud and in rain,
through patio swamps, shouting his name.

Oh please can you help us? said Elmina in tears,
he’s easy to spot with his big pink ears.
Well It is five o’clock and I've just cooked my tea,
but of course I will help, now where could he be?

I searched behind bins and under my car,
'where ever he is he can’t have got far.'
I looked in the hedges and onto the lawn,
I'm sorry to say but it looks like he’s gone.

It was then that we saw him with huge tearful eyes,
he'd followed the smell of my microwaved pie.
I asked if they’d join me and offered them crumbs,
with rumbling tummies they stuck up their thumbs.

[Erthona]

Keith,

The poetry part works OK, but the story telling part has a few holes in it, making it hard to visualize. Cute idea though.

Dale

[Keith]

Keith,

The poetry part works OK, but the story telling part has a few holes in it, making it hard to visualize. Cute idea though.

Dale

Thanks Dale I have made a few changes, it needs to be clear.

[SimikPK]

Very cute, like the happy ending, the reworked version is better, easier to imagine. Good point Ethrona there.

[billy]

it's clear now and enjoyable, specially if there's young kids to read it to.

[cidermaid]

I think this would work really well if you presented it as a childrens story book with illustrations.  It is very cute
AJ

[Bunx]

This was alot of fun to read. Definitely would love to read this to one of my wee little cousins. I got a pretty clear picture of the story the whole way through. Liked the conclusion of everyone enjoying some good ol nuked fruit pie. This poem is just good times all around.

[Keith]

Very cute, like the happy ending, the reworked version is better, easier to imagine. Good point Ethrona there.

Thanks SimikPK, good to know the rework is an improvement. Best Keith

[Keith]

it's clear now and enjoyable, specially if there's young kids to read it to.

Thanks Billy that was my intention, it would be normal to try and work in some moral about wandering off and being lost but I didn't manage it this time. Cheers Keith

[Keith]

I think this would work really well if you presented it as a childrens story book with illustrations.  It is very cute
AJ

Thanks AJ I have all the drawings in my head, I'm just not able to convert them to the page, I also think I need a stronger story line but this is a start. Thanks for the encouragement. Keith

[justcloudy]

Nice lil story, and YES to the kid's picture book idea.

I think my favorite part would be the mousey names. Oh too cute.


-jc

[Keith]

This was alot of fun to read. Definitely would love to read this to one of my wee little cousins. I got a pretty clear picture of the story the whole way through. Liked the conclusion of everyone enjoying some good ol nuked fruit pie. This poem is just good times all around.

Thanks Bunx good to see you posting again, yes this is aimed at the little ones, good to know it works, thanks for your comments, Best Keith

[Keith]

Nice lil story, and YES to the kid's picture book idea.

I think my favorite part would be the mousey names. Oh too cute.


-jc

Ha thanks jc the names took me a while and have changes a few times, glad they fit, best Keith

[Tylerc1988]

Very nice, my friend.

[Keith]

Very nice, my friend.

Thank you

[Pious Baloney]

A pleasant read for sure. I found myself smiling learning about this 'family'. Only 'critique'...the "where ever he is he can’t have got far" line did not seem to flow smoothly like the rest of the poem did. It just reads oddly to me. Keep on keepin' on with your writing!

[justcloudy]

A pleasant read for sure.  I found myself smiling learning about this 'family'.  Only 'critique'...the "where ever he is he can’t have got far" line did not seem to flow smoothly like the rest of the poem did.  It just reads oddly to me.  Keep on keepin' on with your writing!

I agree to an extent. "Can't have got" is more British than American which may have caused PB's trip up. I think "can't have gone" would sound smoother and that's how I read it until now, but it's not much of a difference.

[Keith]

A pleasant read for sure. I found myself smiling learning about this 'family'. Only 'critique'...the "where ever he is he can’t have got far" line did not seem to flow smoothly like the rest of the poem did. It just reads oddly to me. Keep on keepin' on with your writing!

Hi PB, the line is really a cliche and there as reassurance, I thought I had got away with it thanks for your comment. Best Keith

[Keith]

A pleasant read for sure.  I found myself smiling learning about this 'family'.  Only 'critique'...the "where ever he is he can’t have got far" line did not seem to flow smoothly like the rest of the poem did.  It just reads oddly to me.  Keep on keepin' on with your writing!

I agree to an extent. "Can't have got" is more British than American which may have caused PB's trip up. I think "can't have gone" would sound smoother and that's how I read it until now, but it's not much of a difference.

Gone is better, but I needed it for the near rhyme to lawn and it bearly makes it, I will have a think, thanks jc

[SimikPK]

For me, the line works well - you got away for me actually, for me it is the most vivid line. I can imagine him standnig at his porch/stairs or descending and looking around. And keeping in mind this is for children, they would probably not mind the line at all.