Winter's wake

[Bunx]

Edit 3


Winters wake

There are times during a summers day,
I pray the snow would stay away.

After hiking up a jagged mountain pass,
look at the calendar as if an hour glass.

Fall rolls around, leaves fall to annual death,
cracking of life withering beneath my steps.

Weeks before the snow wondering if I'll feel alone.
Stuck inside plows stacked high, 
life inside a winter globe.

Before I realize it, the first cold front is here.
After scraping off the sticky frost shifting my car in gear.

Looking out foggy windshield I concur
winter's wake has come, anguish may occur.

My motivation could freeze
grass white with frost.

Or

resiliently resist
this cold notion, 
despite the cost.

Then I notice it on the drive,
snowfall has arrived.

I forgot  the peace of mind
when a flake floats 
tickling my spine.

Surrounded by falling snow I look up at winters wake.
It is now I foresee winter joy is mine to take.



Winters wake
There is a moment during a summer day,
when I wish the snow would stay away.

After hiking up a mountain pass.
I look at the calendar as if an hour glass.

Fall rolls around, leaves fall to annual death.
I hear the cracking of life's decay beneath my steps.

Weeks before winter I wonder if I'll feel alone.
Stuck inside with snow stacked high, a mind inside a winter globe.

Before I realize it, the first cold front is here.
After scraping off the sticky frost I put my car in gear.

Looking out my foggy windshield I concur
winter's wake has come, a mental shift may occur.

My ambition could freeze like grass white with frost.
Or I could resist the cold notion, turning fear into dust.

Then I notice it on the drive,
the first snow fall has arrived.

I always forget it, the peace of mind
when on still days a flake floats down, tickling my spine.

Surrounded by falling snow I look up at winters wake.
It is now I foresee winter joy is mine to take.

[Wjames]

Winters wake
There is a moment during a summer day,
when I wish the snow would stay away. I think this is a little wordy, you could cut out some syllables pretty easily without sacrificing any content. I.e:

There is a time most summer days,
I wish the snow would stay away.


After hiking up a mountain pass. You don't need the period here.
I look at the calendar as if an hour glass.

Fall rolls around, leaves fall to annual death. I don't think you need this period either; you could use a comma.
I hear the cracking of life's decay beneath my steps. you could cut out "I hear" without losing anything. It's also a little bit of a forced rhyme, leaves crack beneath your feet; you only use steps to create the half-rhyme.

Weeks before winter I wonder if I'll feel alone.
Stuck inside with snow stacked high, a mind inside a winter globe. "a mind" doesn't add anything for me.

Before I realize it, the first cold front is here.
After scraping off the sticky frost I put my car in gear.

Looking out my foggy windshield I concur
winter's wake has come, a mental shift may occur. These are forced rhymes.

My ambition could freeze like grass white with frost.
Or I could resist the cold notion, turning fear into dust. Frost/Dust doesn't work for me as a half-rhyme.

Then I notice it on the drive,
the first snow fall has arrived.

I always forget it, the peace of mind
when on still days a flake floats down, tickling my spine. This part is very wordy, especially "I always forget it, the peace of mind when on still days"

Surrounded by falling snow I look up at winters wake.
It is now I foresee my winter joy is mine to take.  "my" and "mine" so close together is redundant. I would cut out "my".

Just what I thought as I read the poem; hopefully it's useful. I'm dreading winter myself .

[Bunx]

Wjames- Thanks for the feedback it has been a while since I have tried to write anything and the read over helps me clean this up alot. I agree it does seem excessively wordy. I hope your winter isn't as bad as mine haha we are looking at mucho snow monday.

ising- Thanks for the helpful feedback. I am going to try and focus on mood for this next re write. maybe try and cut out some words and re word some of those forced rhymes.

[SimikPK]

Edit 1


Winters wake

There are times during a summers day,
I pray the snow would stay away. Good lines, good setting of the mood and what the poem would be about. 

After hiking up a mountain pass,  Even thought this doesn't sound entirely forced, hiking up a mountain pass still isn't  summer enough activity for me, but not that important. Depends on where your audience is from. 
I look at the calendar as if an hour glass.

Fall rolls around, leaves fall to annual death, Annual death, that interesting. almost oxymoron.
the cracking of life's decay beneath my steps.

Weeks before winter I wonder if I'll feel alone.
Stuck inside with snow stacked high, life inside a winter globe. Two "winter"s very close each other. Alone and globe don't thme too well, and -lone isn't stressed whereas globe is. 

Before I realize it, the first cold front is here.
After scraping off the sticky frost I put my car in gear.

Looking out my foggy windshield I concur
winter's wake has come, anguish may occur. Anguish may occur - this sounds forced. The whole poem is very personal and this sounds so... cosmic

My ambition could freeze like grass white with frost. What ambition?
Or I could resist the cold notion, despite the cost. cold notion sounds awkward... this fails barnacle for me. What cost? This is too vague for me.

Then I notice it on the drive,
the first snow fall has arrived. Isn't snowfall one word?

I always forget it, the peace of mind
on a still day, a flake floats down tickling my spine.

Surrounded by falling snow I look up at winters wake.
It is now I foresee winter joy is mine to take. I like the turn in the last four lines... is very vivid, well done here imho.

The idea and development is quite good, but some lines/line endings feel forced to fit the metre and rhyme. 

[twinked]

Quite nice poem. As you go through the seasons, you could cut in the spring too?
The turnover in the last 2 verses is great, showing that all depends on you - to grab your joys and happiness in life even where you previously don't expect it.

Edit 1


Winters wake

There are times during a summers day,
I pray the snow would stay away.

After hiking up a mountain pass,
I look at the calendar as if an hour glass.

Fall rolls around, leaves fall to annual death,
the cracking of life's decay beneath my steps. good description here

Weeks before winter I wonder if I'll feel alone.
Stuck inside with snow stacked high, life inside a winter globe.

Before I realize it, the first cold front is here.
After scraping off the sticky frost I put my car in gear. maybe putting car into gear is little bit forced rhyme

Looking out my foggy windshield I concur
winter's wake has come, anguish may occur.

My ambition could freeze like grass white with frost.
Or I could resist the cold notion, despite the cost.

Then I notice it on the drive,
the first snow fall has arrived.

I always forget it, the peace of mind
on a still day, a flake floats down tickling my spine.

Surrounded by falling snow I look up at winters wake.
It is now I foresee winter joy is mine to take.

[Bunx]

Simik- haha i tend to mention hiking way to much in my poetry. I guess it is because hiking gives me a emotional connection to my surrondings. I re-worded the poem in the second edit so it sounds more personal as well as avoiding to many similar concepts in the same stanza.

[Pious Baloney]

Just a hodgepodge of suggestions and considerations here.  An enjoyable poem to read as I felt I got a glimpse of what you are feeling as the season transitions in earnest.

Edit 2


Winters wake

There are times during a summers day,
I pray the snow would stay away.

After hiking up a mountain pass,                      <---To compliment the next longer line perhaps consider an adjective with mountain pass; like rugged?
I look at the calendar as if an hour glass.

Fall rolls around, leaves fall to annual death,     <---Double use of fall; perhaps consider 'Autumn' rolls around for some diversity.
the cracking of life's decay beneath my steps.  

Weeks before winter I wonder if I'll feel alone.
Stuck inside with snow stacked high, life inside a glass globe.     <---Double use of inside; perhaps consider stuck 'indoors'.

Before I realize it, the first cold front is here.
After scraping off the sticky frost I put my car in gear.

Looking out my foggy windshield I concur
winter's wake has come, anguish may occur.

My passion could freeze like grass white with frost.    <---As a reader I am unsure what that passion is for?  Did you mean your 'spirits' could freeze; being in that glass globe?
Or I could resist the cold notion, despite the cost.

Then I notice it on the drive,
the first snowfall has arrived.

I always forget it, the peace of mind
when a flake floats down tickling my spine.              

Surrounded by falling snow I look up at winters wake.
It is now I foresee winter joy is mine to take.

[SimikPK]

Edit 2


Winters wake

There are times during a summers day, summerS ? just a typo?
I pray the snow would stay away.

After hiking up a mountain pass,
I look at the calendar as if an hour glass. The length of this sentence disturbs the rhythm for me...

Fall rolls around, leaves fall to annual death,
the cracking of life's decay beneath my steps. Hmm.. if leaves decay, they are probably wet and dont crack. If they crack, they just dry out and dont  decay (yet). I know you refer to life´s decay, but having the decay, cracking and leaves in one line kind of suggest the connection. Decay, at least for me, is strongly associated with wetness.. To use extreme example, a decaying body does not crack.. it falls apart, the solid turning into liquid... 

Weeks before winter I wonder if I'll feel alone.
Stuck inside with snow stacked high, life inside a glass globe. I liked the winter glow better despite having winter in the line above.... The image worked quite well and now the glass feels sterile. But again, the rhyme is weak and you have an unstressed and stressed ending sylables. "Glassglobe", as a compostitum, would have the last syllable unstressed, for example, but the word would look and prolly also soud awkward. 

Before I realize it, the first cold front is here.
After scraping off the sticky frost I put my car in gear.

Looking out my foggy windshield I concur
winter's wake has come, anguish may occur. I cant get over this one. The End of the World may occur.. sounds very unnatural

My passion could freeze like grass white with frost. What passion? As vague as abition. 
Or I could resist the cold notion, despite the cost.

Then I notice it on the drive,
the first snowfall has arrived. Not a 100% matching rhyme, rather assonance, but this works well. Very unforced. Thumbs up. 

I always forget it, the peace of mind
when a flake floats down tickling my spine.

Surrounded by falling snow I look up at winters wake.
It is now I foresee winter joy is mine to take.

All praise in my above posts still remains. Don´t give up on this one. 

[Bunx]

Wow didn't except this much feedback, thanks guys! A ton of the advice clashed with each other so I took the ideas that were similar in every suggestion. I made a new edit with a few vocab changes. Hope you guys like it. Got to say this winter has started off alot better than lasts ones!

[Korbas]

I really enjoyed it. Makes me feel like im home again. Coming from a place that is winter practically 7-8 months of the year.

[billy]

I really enjoyed it. Makes me feel like im home again. Coming from a place that is winter practically 7-8 months of the year.

we expect or hope for more in the main poetry forums./mod

[Bunx]

Trollgirl and Korbas-
Glad the poem had a personal connection as well as you liking it. Do you think there is anything to poem could use or not use? Right now I think the poem is where i want it to be!