Comfort Zone

[Wjames]

Her smile sagged
the same way a crooked
painting forces you to notice it.
 
I watched her relax while I ate egg salad
and mulled over the days business;
a leaf landed in her hair as she napped
on the bench beneath a nearby oak.
 
The air was crisp and her mouth was a kettle at tea time;
I wanted a cup.
 
Lunchtime ended, and I was late getting back to work.

[SimikPK]

Her smile sagged
the same way a crooked
painting forces you to notice it. The painting is too unique among all the mundane things in this poem for me.
 
I watched her relax while I ate egg salad
and mulled over the days business;
a leaf landed in her hair as she napped This works so well.. I really feel that urge to touch her hair and remove it...
on the bench beneath a nearby oak.
 
The air was crisp and her mouth was a kettle at tea time; Strangely, the lunchitme and tea time don´t oppose each other for me, good. 
I wanted a cup. Wonderful image.
 
Lunchtime ended, and I was late getting back to work. Oh, the atmosphere and feelings communicated here work perfectly... this is really a poetry... I can hardly describe it in words but this poem

[Bunx]

Her smile sagged
the same way a crooked
painting forces you to notice it.  I like the imagery it paints a realistic image of a girl
 
I watched her relax while I ate egg salad
and mulled over the days business;
a leaf landed in her hair as she napped
on the bench beneath a nearby oak. again enjoyed the imagery here, I get a feeling of stillness as if the subject is more a passive observer in the day.
 
The air was crisp and her mouth was a kettle at tea time;
I wanted a cup.
 
Lunchtime ended, and I was late getting back to work.

I may be missing a deeper meaning then surface description of this poem. Liked it for what I got from it. Gave me a sense of stillness and peace. The romance is not over the top or over graphic which i think it more sincere and realistic not confusing to the reader.

thanks for the post!

[justcloudy]

Hi W,

I like the questions this poem brings up and leaves unanswered. Although I'm left not knowing who she is (a runaway teen? truant schoolgirl? exhausted businesswoman?) as a reader I am comfortable with that, and can imagine who I want on each read.

The enjambment of L2 didn't sit well with me. I see what you're trying to do, but at least to me "crooked" reads different alone ("crookt") than when paired with painting ("crookid") and I had to go back and reread to correct myself. I'm not sure the payoff (slight in itself) is worth that.

L2 S2 should be "day's business".

Anyway lovely vignette. Sweet, unencumbered, and complete.

-jc

[Keith]

I like that the title is ambiguous in that the comfort zone could be the subject of a lunch time rest or the narrators place just sitting and watching rather than forcing himself/herself to talk to her,

I thought the detail in S1 was well balanced it draws the reader in and places us having to look at the image, I even tried to do my own crooked smile.

In S2 the leaf tells us where we are and immediately puts us watching from an opposing park bench, IMO the egg salad doesn't work well with falling leaves....maybe hot soup, flask..your poem. L2 needs to work harder in such a short piece I'm sure you could improve it perhaps show some detail about the person eating lunch. I really like the detail of the leaf and for me the autumn theme is backed by S3 which is a great image and close in that there is a sense of a shy idea that will do nothing about it. I really enjoyed this one WJames. Best Keith

[justcloudy]

On the contrary Keith, egg salad is perfect. It's one of those lunches that people look down upon... convenient but somehow low-class and gross. It feels like a habitual lunch here (Comfort Zone), something made by a bachelor, or someone who doesn't know better. It's a lunch eaten by people who don't care, or don't have to care, about the effect of their breath on other people later on. And it's exactly being out of season tells us something about the subject.

Forgive my snobbery. I make and eat egg salad on occasion. Just giving impressions.

[71degrees]

Her smile sagged
the same way a crooked
painting forces you to notice it.
 
I watched her relax while I ate egg salad
and mulled over the days business;
a leaf landed in her hair as she napped
on the bench beneath a nearby oak.
 
The air was crisp and her mouth was a kettle at tea time;
I wanted a cup.
 
Lunchtime ended, and I was late getting back to work.

I really like this. The details are real. Wish you would have offered her half the sandwich. Leaf color? If the air is crisp, it must be autumn. Why the ping pong match w/all the pronouns? (Her, you, I…??? Is there a need for this?) Black kettle or silver? Did you want the whole cup or just a sip? After all, you're late. Just thoughts as I read….the poem is wonderful. I was there w/you.

[Erthona]

Clean, economic, subtle, works for me.

Dale

[StanleyZ]

Her smile sagged
the same way a crooked
painting forces you to notice it.
 
I watched her relax while I ate egg salad
and mulled over the days business;
a leaf landed in her hair as she napped
on the bench beneath a nearby oak.
 
The air was crisp and her mouth was a kettle at tea time;
I wanted a cup.
 
Lunchtime ended, and I was late getting back to work.

To me the speaker is a bit cynical in the first stanza. He doesn't exactly "paint" this girl with positive descriptions. The words "sagged, crooked, and forced" make the speaker seem at first like this is just another encounter with an attractive woman, nothing special. The change in his tone surfaces after he watches her relax for a while. Suddenly the sleeping beauty is more important than the days "business", uh oh. The image of the leaf falling in the woman's hair seems to me like something small that the newly enthralled speaker mistakes as huge. His interest has sprung at the idea of an act of nature intervening, but in reality it is autumn. The air is "crisp" and leaves are coming down in droves. Even so for our speaker the leaf translates into a physical attraction that he ponders over a little too long...

This is just me, but the whole tea time kettle/mouth metaphor didn't work for me. If I read that a girl's mouth is a kettle at tea time, I imagine her whistling, which isn't the case here. Maybe it's a British thing?... I don't know, it just wasn't the WOW factor I was hoping for. Honestly it could be paraphrased with only changing a few words, "her mouth is hot, I want to kiss it." I think the speaker has a little more passion at this point than that. I do love that he was late to work though, it reinforces what you already implied implicitly.

[SimikPK]

My interpretation might justify the kettle metaphor. The poem is labelled Comfort Zone. I think the image of having a cup of tea is quite associated with both comfort zone (you usually drink tea with people you feel OK with, be your guest or host) and also with the sense of comfort in a broader meaning - you don´t boil or drink tea when there is no time or proper place or cup/mug. Ofc you could drink tea from an empty beer bottle, but usually you dont. On the other hand, when you look at the meaning of the metaphor in the context, it says the "I" wants to do something that requires him to leave his comfort zone, but would most likely be very pleasant. So there si acutally double contrast in that two lines. Hence, I am convinced they work perfectly, when you delve into them.

[Mwaba don]

Her smile sagged
the same way a crooked
painting forces you to notice it.
 
I watched her relax while I ate egg salad
and mulled over the days business;
a leaf landed in her hair as she napped
on the bench beneath a nearby oak.
 
The air was crisp and her mouth was a kettle at tea time;
I wanted a cup.
 
Lunchtime ended, and I was late getting back to work.

Nice poem, sounded unique to me. The manner of arrangement was a little bit off for me.
I thought the first stanza should have come second and the second stanza should have come first because
it thought the second stanza was a good background to why her smile sagged.
The second stanza was good to read it created a good image.
I loved the flow of the poem and it creates.
The combination of the lines of the 3rd stanza was amazing. It puts you in the situation. Thanks for the lovely poem.

[tectak]

Her smile sagged
the same way a crooked
painting forces you to notice it.No. You compare dissimilars. How can a sag force? It is also a clunky and ill-thought out sentence. You mean " Your attention is drawn to her sagging smile, as your eyes would be drawn to a crooked painting
 
I watched her relax while I ate egg salad
and mulled over the days business;
a leaf landed in her hair as she napped
on the bench beneath a nearby oak. ....obviously it was near or you would nor see her. Re phrase.
 
The air was crisp and her mouth was a kettle at tea time; The connnections between three statements are disorderly. The air was crisp...OK. but so what? Her mouth was a kettle (at tea time)...but not at any other time, like right now...er, lunchtime? I wanted a cup...past tense? Yes to concept, no to execution
I wanted a cup.
 
Lunchtime ended, and I was late getting back to work. I wish this made me feel something. Anything. Whistful musings ONLY work if they are amusing. This is just terminally weak

Hello,
There is a genuine attempt at genre (vignette?)here. You try to be laconic but in so doing you are getting minimalist. It is little ado about nothing. You need to get planning permission to develop the thing so prepare your case. Nice turns of phrase are currency. Once you've saved up a few more spend some on this piece. As it is there is just not enough to ......zzzzzzzz...zzzzzzzz....zzzzzzzz.
Best,
tectak

[azure]

Her smile sagged
the same way a crooked
painting forces you to notice it.
 
I watched her relax while I ate egg salad
and mulled over the days business;
a leaf landed in her hair as she napped
on the bench beneath a nearby oak.
 
The air was crisp and her mouth was a kettle at tea time;
I wanted a cup.
 
Lunchtime ended, and I was late getting back to work.

Concise, with crisp imagery. I liked the sensuous use of language in L8. Opening this poem with an excellent stanza that implied finding beauty in imperfections tickled my fancy. The formatting goes a bit over my head though... But I don't understand how to format usually. I'll just nitpick.

Her smile sagged

sagged fits nice, but I think it can be replaced by some word that still adheres to the lingual tone of this piece, yet conjures savory imagery.

The air was crisp and her mouth was a kettle at tea time;

In my newbie opinion, cut the word 'was', and understand that this cut makes sense to me only in relation to my 9th grade education...

I wanted a cup.

Eh.. its very direct this little line... I think that it's too direct for my taste, and suggest replacing the word wanting. I'm biased for obscuring perfectly normal expressions, what can I say...

Overall, great write. Cheers

Azure

[paranoid marvin]

Her smile sagged
the same way a crooked
painting forces you to notice it.
 
I watched her relax while I ate egg salad
and mulled over the days business;
a leaf landed in her hair as she napped
on the bench beneath a nearby oak.
 
The air was crisp and her mouth was a kettle at tea time;
I wanted a cup.
 
Lunchtime ended, and I was late getting back to work.

The idea of the girl napping just doesn't sit right with me. Snacked perhaps, daydreamed maybe, but napped makes it sound like she's led asleep, which I don't get is the intention.


on the bench beneath a nearby oak nearby is unnecessary. How about 'shedding oak'?

The air was crisp and her mouth was a kettle at tea time;
I wanted a cup .

Wanting 'a cup' of her mouth doesn't work for me. Perhaps 'I wanted a sip' or a taste?


Lunchtime ended, and I was late getting back to work.

Unnecessary 'and'. Also does lunchtime end or could it be 'Lunchtime over, I was late getting back to work'



and mulled over the days business

this is lunchtime. Would he not mull over the morning's business or the afternoon's business.



A very good poem, lots of lovely imagery there.

[Wjames]

Thanks a tonne for your thoughts guys, I've got a lot to think about here; I'm real busy right now, so sorry I took so long to respond.