Pessimistic Sonnet

[Brownlie]

Nailed on the bathroom wall, a crucifix
Must have been bought from longs or CVS.
Seen every day, the signal was bereft.
The bloodless crown and all that it depicts,
Rose like a scent from Yankee candlesticks.
What can I do but constantly digress?
What holy trance or faith could I possess?
What type of force can loose the mortared bricks?
 
Amidst the bartering for candy bars
Inside a train. I heard a violin.
The phatic din of silence in the car
Was filled, divine, to mend our human scar.
But still I kept myself inside my skin
Because I could not see his resting chin.


I think this sonnet probably has too many questions.

[Erthona]

This is obviously some type of sonnet, not one with which I am familiar, although it is close to a Petrarchan, except the ending rhyme sequence. The Iambic pentameter seems solid.

I assume "longs" is some kind of store (although I have never heard of it), should it not be capitalized?

The following sentence seems to make little sense to me.

"Seen every day, the signal was bereft."

Shouldn't the reader be told of what it is bereft? I.e., the signal was bereft of sound. There is after all a period after bereft.
_____________________________________________________________________
From L4 to L8 I have little idea of what you are saying. I understand you are talking about the crucifix, but to say that it "...rose like a scent from Yankee candlesticks." carries little meaning for me.

I am assuming the line break between L8 and L9 is to support the move from the bathroom from the bathroom to the train?

L10 after "train, a comma not a period.
L11 I'm not sure how "phatic" makes much sense used with din of silence. I'm not saying it is wrong, I'm just saying I don't understand the usage.

"Because I could not see his resting chin." I have no idea. I know this is in " Poetry For Fun ", but if this is funny, I really don't get it. Of course if you have to explain the joke it kind of ruins it, but I would be interested to know what it is I am missing.

Oh, yeah.Too many questions

dale

[Brownlie]

This is obviously some type of sonnet, not one with which I am familiar, although it is close to a Petrarchan, except the ending rhyme sequence. The Iambic pentameter seems solid.
I assume "longs" is some kind of store (although I have never heard of it), should it not be capitalized?  
The following sentence seems to make little sense to me.
"Seen every day, the signal was bereft."
Shouldn't the reader be told of what it is bereft? I.e., the signal was bereft of sound. There is after all a period after bereft.
_____________________________________________________________________
From L4 to L8 I have little idea of what you are saying. I understand you are talking about the crucifix, but to say that it "...rose like a scent from Yankee candlesticks." carries little meaning for me.
I am assuming the line break between L8 and L9 is to support the move from the bathroom from the bathroom to the train?
L10 after "train, a comma not a period.
L11 I'm not sure how "phatic" makes much sense used with din of silence. I'm not saying it is wrong, I'm just saying I don't understand the usage.
"Because I could not see his resting chin."  I have no idea. I know this is in " Poetry For Fun ", but if this is funny, I really don't get it. Of course if you have to explain the joke it kind of ruins it, but I would be interested to know what it is I am missing.
Oh, yeah.Too many questions
dale

Well, you bring up some good points. Perhaps I should have called this skeptical sonnet. Aside from the questions, things like din of silence are a little too General and dare I say even a bit poetical. The bit about the chin was supposed to mean I couldn't see the cause of the sound. Perhaps the musician was pretending to play the violin for money. I meant to compare the sentimental crucifix and it's lexical emptiness with a Yankee candle. Repeated exposure to the crucifix was also supposed to sap it's content but that wasn't clear. I took the form from design which worked well in that poem but May have had the rhymes too close for this. So, there's my bloodsucking gloss, but I suppose this is for fun anyway. Thanks for the useful insight.

[Erthona]

Yes it was for fun, and I probably should not have done a critique. I did so because I couldn't figure out what was suppose to be funny, and so you could help me see how it was funny, not really for the purpose of a critique. I got a little overboard though, sorry.

dale