Bored

[billy]

1st small edit.

On listening;


A passing bus rattles
interior doors in softwood frames,
keyboard keys emit hollow Morse
code dictated to screen.
The ubiquitous hum
serenades the inner ear.

On looking up;

Coving covers lines
between walls and ceiling.
Spiders spin and flies vibrate
webs like beaten drum skins.

On looking inward;

The man no longer
of present or past
a child, parent
heart beat frail.
Blood thinner from life
happy with mistakes.

On looking at others;

Strangers to the view
their abstractions deciphered
filed, locked away
meaningless.


On Looking...

---

the line: blood thinner from life was an attempt at mild ambiguity, my blood is thinner because of my lifestyle. i was going to use My to start the line but hoped that it would be a given i was on about myself. that said will certainly give it much thought.
the happy line: i've lived my life using happyiness as a foil for any pitfals i had to overcome. i see it as a noun. that said, it's pointless using that strategy in the poem if i'm the only one to do so. not sure the replacement line works the same. thanks for the feedback

original


On listening;



A passing bus rattles
interior doors in softwood frames,
keyboard keys emit hollow Morse
code dictated to screen.
The ubiquitous hum
serenades the inner ear.

On looking up;

coving covers the lines
between walls and ceiling.
Spiders spin and flies vibrate
webs like beaten drum skins.

On looking inward;

The man no longer
of present or past
a child, parent
heart beat frail.
Blood thinner from life
cosseted in happy.

On looking at others;

Strangers to the view
abstractions deciphered
filed, locked away
meaningless.


On Looking...

[tectak]

On listening;


A passing bus rattles
interior doors in softwood frames,
keyboard keys emit hollow Morse
code dictated to screen.
The ubiquitous hum
serenades the inner ear.
Bugger me , billy. Have alien's with lexicons taken over your body? This is clean as a whistle and I can blow it.
On looking up;

coving covers the lines
between walls and ceiling.
Spiders spin and flies vibrate
webs like beaten drum skins.As a concession, how about a capital coving? After all, you DID end S1 with a period so it cannot be a deeply held commitment to sans punctuation.Maybe "beating" or it is a tense moment.

On looking inward;

The man no longer
of present or past
a child, parent
heart beat frail.Losing it a little here but only small nit on punctuate to clarify.
Blood thinner from life
cosseted in happy.Meh. This not good. Many reasons. You know what they are.

On looking at others;

Strangers to the view
abstractions deciphered
filed, locked away
meaningless.But back again. No grief here. Fuck me. A poem that makes sense...what is happening?


On Looking...

Yes to this. Cute and acute. Going somewhere, getting somewhere, not even the fastest route....scenic I'd say. Well done. I will read it again.
Best,
tectak

[bena]

I love most of this. In fact, I agree with Tom on most of what he's said. I adore the first stanza but it's probably the strongest.

In S3---not sure why everyone in the world has hopped on some stupid trend of using "happy" as a noun--it has, and never will be. It's an adjective! It has to be happiness, if you want to satisfy me, but there are other weaknesses in this stanza. Mostly that you've not given us a single solid image to grasp hold of, gimme something to grapple---and I'll follow into all the obscurity.

I think the last S is either weak or strong, depending on viewpoint. I know you and your love for ambiguity, so thinking that others have to decipher it, and the N, means much. But how does it read when a cold stranger reads it first time?

Not sure. Not sure we'll ever know. But I think locked away needs a comma after it, or they'll end up re-reading that last S about four times trying to do said deciphering. I know I did. But then, I'm the punctuation police. I know this piece is using line breaks as punct...
I do it all the time. Doesn't mean it's right or most easily read

love ya,

mel.

[billy]

thanks for the read guys, i'll sort the punctuation out later when i mull over any other points. as for happy, (bena) it's how i feel most of the time, but you may have a point

[billy]

small 1st edit done with tanks

[bena]

The happy to happiness (and, yessssss to the addition of blood thinner (so many meanings to that!!!!)


LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU


melicious. which I dig tons better than melifecent.

because mel + delious+ malicious

[billy]

thanks for the get back beanzie

[tectak]

1st small edit.

On listening;


A passing bus rattles
interior doors in softwood frames,
keyboard keys emit hollow Morse
code dictated to screen.
The ubiquitous hum
serenades the inner ear.

On looking up;

Coving covers lines
between walls and ceiling.
Spiders spin and flies vibrate
webs like beaten drum skins.

On looking inward;

The man no longer
of present or past
a child, parent
heart beat frail.
Blood thinner from life
happy with mistakes.

On looking at others;

Strangers to the view
their abstractions deciphered
filed, locked away
meaningless.


On Looking...

---

the line: blood thinner from life was an attempt at mild ambiguity, my blood is thinner because of my lifestyle. i was going to use My to start the line but hoped that it would be a given i was on about myself. that said will certainly give it much thought.
the happy line: i've lived my life using happyiness as a foil for any pitfals i had to overcome. i see it as a noun. that said, it's pointless using that strategy in the poem if i'm the only one to do so. not sure the replacement line works the same. thanks for the feedback

original


On listening;



A passing bus rattles
interior doors in softwood frames,
keyboard keys emit hollow Morse
code dictated to screen.
The ubiquitous hum
serenades the inner ear.

On looking up;

coving covers the lines
between walls and ceiling.
Spiders spin and flies vibrate
webs like beaten drum skins.

On looking inward;

The man no longer
of present or past
a child, parent
heart beat frail.
Blood thinner from life
cosseted in happy.

On looking at others;

Strangers to the view
abstractions deciphered
filed, locked away
meaningless.


On Looking...

.....then say it. "Blood thinned by life..."
Vat ees wrung vith dat?
Tectak

[crow]

Note: I'm editing by American usage--kick edits that aren't right

Proofer's edit

Bored
--I'm expecting a treatise on interesting things

On listening;
[omit extra space]

A passing bus rattles
--tech should be a "bus's passing rattles," but no prob

interior doors in softwood frames[.]
[K]eyboard keys emit hollow Morse
code dictated to screen.
Th[is] ubiquitous hum
serenades the inner ear.

On looking up;

Coving covers lines
between walls and ceiling.
Spiders spin[,] and flies vibrate
webs [as] beat[ing a] drum['s] skins.
--more tech correct, but ungainly. Take it or leave it

On looking inward;

The man no longer
of present or past
a child, parent
heart beat frail.
Blood thinner from life
happy with mistakes.

On looking at others;

Strangers to the view["," or "of"]
their abstractions deciphered["," or "and"]
filed, locked away["," or "--"]
meaningless.
[omit extra space]

On Looking...
[this last emboldened line confuses me--is it a retitling?]

Copy edit:

On listening;


A [out:"passing," understood] bus rattles
interior doors in softwood frames,
keyboard keys emit hollow Morse
code dictated to screen.
--bumble. You've got two verbs, emit and dictated. They're interchangeable.
----perhaps more pointedly, "emit" doesn't work.
------it's weird to say that code was emitted
------contrast "tapped keyboard keys tap Morse code tapped to screen"
The [out: "ubiquitous" as understood] hum
serenades the inner ear.
--I can't figure how "inner" creates an image that works better than just "serenades the ear"

--mini-macro: the above stanza is forced. It says this, basically: "struck keys make the sound of struck keys." The idea of Morse code only serves to confuse, as do the other images

On looking up;

Coving covers lines
between walls and ceiling.
Spiders spin and flies vibrate
webs like beaten drum skins.
--"beaten" and "skins" are understood

On looking inward;

The man no longer
of present or past
a child, parent
heart beat frail.
Blood thinner from life
happy with mistakes.
--it seems like there's an idea of time passing here, but it's unsaid. That is, I read "On looking inward;" as "Then, upon looking inward"
--why "inward" and not "in"?

On looking at others;

Strangers to the view[,]
their abstractions deciphered
filed, locked away[,]
meaningless.
--"at others" looses the parallelism. Why not "On looking out"?
--what's the meaning here?
----I'll address this in the macro

Macro:
Here's my summary if the narrative:

A bus rattles the room so intensely that the keyboard registers its passage.

Distracted by the bus, the narrator notes the parallel between the wires registering inputs and spiders webs registering inputs.

The narrator takes the occasional distraction of the bus to perform some self-reflection. He notes his fragility as a counterpoint to a child's life.

Strangers who notice the narrator's profound moment cannot access it's profundity.

--said more succinctly, the poem is this: "Jarred from typing, I find myself registering as important certain things that onlookers don't register as important."
----I feel like that's a good start, but I don't think the poem concludes.

If I'm wrong, I completely accept that.

crow

[billy]

thanks for the in depth feedback crow. i'll take note of the punctuation suggestions in the next edit.

my keyboard makes a noise because i'm typing (trying to write but my mind wanders), the doors rattle when heavy vehicles pass because they're not a tight fit. will ponder the feedback given, thanks again.