mother

[vagabond]

 
Mother              ( edit)

we measured every element,
down to your iron core we scanned.
but who you are is long forgotten,
secret gardens reaped and rotten.

your name´s denied and undermined,
we craft our gods and false commands    
as a warrant to despoil your limbs!          
the answer that we´ll hear is grim:

we´re self-aware but cancerous fruit,
sprouts oblivious to our roots,
we ache because
we share your wounds.






previous version:

mother

we measured every element
down to your iron core we scanned
but who you are is long forgotten
secret gardens reaped and rotten.

deprived you of your mystic name
invent a god who´s far away
for to despoil you of your limbs
“make earth subject” as bible prints

but we´re your children,
you´re our ground
we ache cause we do
share your wounds.

[Filíocht]

"we measured every element

down to your iron core we scanned"

I like these 2 lines a lot, nice and vigorous, and also the earthy imagery throughout worked well. I also found the poem quite subtle if I may say so, a delicate message wrapped in iron.

[jonatron5]

This has potential it really does.

I dont mean this in a negative way but the quality of the poem wanes fro. The beginning.
the first paragraph is amazing wouldn't touch it except to make it flow better.

When you first establish your rhyme scheme you should generally stick to it expect for brining attention to things

The closest thing the second paragraph has to a rime is "prints" and "limbs" which are in the right place to carry the wcheme but need to actually ryhme.

Again same problem in third paragraph I can only assume your trying to ryhme wounds with grounds. This really doesnt work.

[vagabond]

thanks to all critics. Based on that i edited.



mother


we measured every element
down to your iron core we scanned
but who you are is long forgotten
secret gardens reaped and rotten.

your name´s denied and undermined
by invented gods and false commands,
our warrant to despoil  your  limbs.
the answer that you give is grim.

we´re self-aware but cancerous sprouts,
germs ovlivious to our ground.
we ache cause we do
share your wounds.

[lock1]

mother


we measured every element
down to your iron core we scanned
but who you are is long forgotten
secret gardens reaped and rotten.

your name´s denied and undermined
by invented gods and false commands,
our warrant to despoil your limbs.
the answer that you give is grim.

we´re self-aware but cancerous sprouts,
germs ovlivious to our ground.
we ache cause we do
share your wounds.

I really like the first part as previous comments state. I think the edited version is improved but I don't like the word invented. maybe replace with crafted or something that flows a little better?

[Dymun Fengshui]

Personally, I think this is great! I love it.

"deprived you of your mystic name

invent a god who´s far away

for to despoil you of your limbs

“make earth subject” as bible prints"

Is my favorite part. I really like what you're saying here. If it were me I would omit the "for" in the second line as well.

I think it would flow better that way, but other than that. I LOVE IT

[Bunx]

 


we measured every element

down to your iron core we scanned

but who you are is long forgotten

secret gardens reaped and rotten. Really enjoyed this first stanza. Liking how the poem reads line by line. Making the ideas very clear and point by point. I would comment about grammar and lack of punctuation but I assume you are intentionally doing so for stylistic reasons.   

 

deprived you of your mystic name

invent a god who´s far away I like how this reads, but I am bit confused with the present/past text. You could switch invent to invented so the whole stanza is past tense. The rhythm of the language is solid. 

for to despoil you of your limbs love that you use despoil. adds an element of violence to the poem. making theme theme of the poem evident.

“make earth subject” as bible prints Really enjoyed the last two lines of this stanza. As I look into this poem more and more with the title in mind I can't help but wonder if you referring to a the christian God or female mother god who has been lost in time or translation. OR even something else.

 

but we´re your children, Not typically a fan of line that start with but, i think you could get rid of it and put a period at the end of the second stanza.

you´re our ground

we ache cause we do

share your wounds.





Edit
thanks to all critics

mother



we measured every element
down to your iron core we scanned
but who you are is long forgotten
secret gardens reaped and rotten.

your name´s denied and undermined
by crafted gods and false commands,
our warrant to despoil  your  limbs.
the answer that you give is grim.

we´re self-aware but cancerous sprouts,
germs ovlivious to our ground.
we ache cause we do
share your wounds.






______________________________________________________

here we go, it´s plain and preachy again. if i only knew how to make it more subtle.

Really enjoyed this poem as a whole. I picked out the theme the nature of distorting God or Jesus hence the "wounds (symbolic or literal) in the last line" (for religious/political reasons) and the nature of suffering. What I like most about this poem is the clear depiction of ideas as well as initial vagueness of the first stanza. On the other side the title "mother" is kind of confusing to me. So maybe I am infact not getting this poem at all
thanks for the post!

[tectak]

 
we measured every element
down to your iron core we scannedand scanned down to your iron core
but who you are is long forgotten
secret gardens reaped and rotten.
 
deprived you of your mystic name period
invent a god who´s far away
for to despoil you of your limbs This line is gobbledygook. It makes no sense whatsoever because you do not use the correct words or syntax. Do you mean "deprive" or "deny"?
“make earth subject” as bible printsAgain, senseless.
 
but we´re your children, but we are your children
you´re our ground you are our ground
we ache cause we do we ache because
share your wounds. we share your wounds
Edit
thanks to all critics
mother
we measured every element
down to your iron core we scanned
but who you are is long forgotten
secret gardens reaped and rotten.
your name´s denied and undermined
by crafted gods and false commands,
our warrant to despoil  your  limbs.
the answer that you give is grim.
we´re self-aware but cancerous sprouts,
germs ovlivious to our ground.
we ache cause we do
share your wounds.
Hello,
this should be further along the road than it is  by now. Forget subtlety...go for precision. I see no rhyme scheme and so the in-text suggestions should be acceptable. Once the piece reads correctly you can tweak it, though a little punctuation towards clarity would not be disadvantageous. Try it. It works.
Best,
tectak
______________________________________________________
here we go, it´s plain and preachy again. if i only knew how to make it more subtle.

[BW BRINE]

I like it, but I will second a comment earlier:

Instead of this:
"we ache cause we do
share your wounds. "

Try this:

we ache because
we share your wounds

It makes much more sense (what you have now doesn't make sense at all). It also just sounds better. You've yet to make the changes into your edit so I would recommend doing that now.

-BW

[hestaredattheskyasiftoaskwhy]

You dont need subtlety with this IMO. I like this a lot. The only thing that glares at me is the line "our warrant to despoil your limbs/ the answer that you give is grim."

The rhyme feels forced to me. Maybe something like "our warrant to despoil your limbs/the invitation to rape you again." Or something to that effect. I feel like the way you had it, it kind of trailed off. That's a strong stanza, you should finish it strong.

[Erthona]

---

"germs ovlivious to our ground." do you mean oblivious?


"we ache cause we do

share your wounds."

"We ache because we share your wounds"      1 line of iambic tetrameter, which was the meter in stanzas 2 & 3.
and I will see you in cartoons.                            You need one more line here to be inline with the rest of the poem.

Your rhyme pattern in the rest of the poem is xxaa, xxbb, your last stanza should follow the same pattern, along with four lines of iambic tetrameter. You currently don't do this in S3. At best you have 4 half lines in S3, if you can even call them that.

You also have possible meter problems in S1L2.

we measured every element               solid meter

down to your iron core we scanned   
"Iron" is problematic, although it is listed as two syllables, it is generally pronounced more as a diphthong, than as two syllable like Eye-ron
but who you are is long forgotten  Both of these last 2 lines are a half foot long, but that is OK as you have a turn between L3&L4.
secret gardens reaped and rotten.
 

 
 
Dale

 

[belkar]

Love the first stanza. Very tight and the tempo and rhyme scheme is spot on. The other stanzas fail to fit the rhyme style however, and even though you may not want to continue to rhyme it takes streghth away because of the contrast from how sharp the first one is. I would consider keeping to the rhyme scheme, because it really knocked my socks off, and it would make the second and third paragraph very powerful. (maybe third line, stanza does something with earthly tints?).
I dont know what you are going for with "we ache cause we do". Are you saying that people know they are destroying the earth? or we are aching even though we dont realize what we are doing? Consider clarifying. Other than that, I thought is was a really good commentary on nature, and its impact on our spirituality.

[vagabond]

Mother              (3rd edit)

we measured every element
down to your iron core we scanned
but who you are is long forgotten
secret gardens reaped and rotten.

your name´s denied and undermined.
We crafted gods with false commands,      
a warrant to despoil  your  limbs!          
the answer that we´ll hear is grim:

we´re self-aware but cancerous fruit,
sprouts oblivious to our roots,
we ache because
we share your wounds.
 

________________________________
 
made a few changes thanks to all your replies.
 
 
i´d like to give some explanations  to the content since I hope someone can provide me with a better way to say what I want to say.
so far I couldn´t make rhyme and meter any more accurate as well but I would only change those  if it wouldn´t affect the meaning too much.
 
-the “crafted gods and false commands” refer to any personified god, mainly i targeted the christian one.
 
-i think mankind uses religion among other things in order to design a “ warrant to despoil (mother earth´s) limbs”       
corresponding bible quote (had to look it up): Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.
 
- although it may sound "cheesy": if there is any god I think “mother earth” or simply the universe is as close to the idea of god as we can get.
but the consequences are not conceivable anymore. that includes me as well, i use electricity, i drive a car, i am thankful for modern medicine.
still, there is a lingering shame due to something I perceive as a huge duplicity.
and i think the consequences (i.e. environmental pollution) can not be denied even if it is debatable wether  progress does outweigh them or not. future may ultimately decide about that
 
 











______________________________________________________

here we go, it´s plain and preachy again. if i only knew how to make it more subtle.
[/quote]

[67eager]

After reading this poem a couple of times, I think I finally managed to collect an interpretation, and I was thoroughly impressed. You seeemed to not be talking about the god which is referred to in the bible, but more the god which is responsible for the order of the universe. 'Searching every element' seems to talk about the way we used the rigid scientific method all to find out who god is, but our failure to do so is highlighted by 'rotten gardens'. This seems to mean that he past is too distorted, and destroyed, and thus unable to truly grasp onto. In the second stanza you talk about the way we invent gods to make up for this frustrating curiosity, or in other words, finding definate answers to indefinite wonders. In the final stanza, to me, you seem to make a logically attempt to prove gods existence-  we feel pain because a greater being does at the same time. You provide a good, and emotionally complex argument supporting religion for skeptics such as myself. There are some lines however, that I have trouble making sense of:
 


we measured every element

down to your iron core we scanned

but who you are is long forgotten

secret gardens reaped and rotten.

 

deprived you of your mystic name My lack of imagination has caused a bit of a struggle on this line.

invent a god who´s far away

for to despoil you of your limbs 

“make earth subject” as bible prints I'm not really sure about is one either.

 

but we´re your children,

you´re our ground

we ache cause we do

share your wounds.





Edit
thanks to all critics

mother



we measured every element
down to your iron core we scanned
but who you are is long forgotten
secret gardens reaped and rotten.

your name´s denied and undermined
by crafted gods and false commands,
our warrant to despoil  your  limbs.
the answer that you give is grim.

we´re self-aware but cancerous sprouts,
germs ovlivious to our ground.
we ache cause we do
share your wounds.






______________________________________________________

here we go, it´s plain and preachy again. if i only knew how to make it more subtle.
[/quote]

[billy]

hi vag, just comments on the edit as i think it's the one that can be best edited.

in general i'd suggest omitting unnecessary words and using if needed punctuation instead;

measured, every element
down to your iron core

you say it's plain and preach, it seems plain but you have too many inverted lines for it to be plain enough. convoluted syntax;
for to despoil you of your limbs stops it from being plain, plain can be a good thing if it's plain. subtle is often overrated. get clear and plain and the subtle will arrive in it's own good time. if it seems preachy to you; where and how is that so. good to see you editing.

ps, no need to use line spaces unless they're needed.

we measured every element

down to your iron core we scanned

but who you are is long forgotten

secret gardens reaped and rotten.



deprived you of your mystic name

invent a god who´s far away

for to despoil you of your limbs

“make earth subject” as bible prints



but we´re your children,

you´re our ground

we ache cause we do

share your wounds.

here we go, it´s plain and preachy again. if i only knew how to make it more subtle.

[vagabond]

In the final stanza, to me, you seem to make a logically attempt to prove gods existence-  we feel pain because a greater being does at the same time.
i have no intention to prove god´s existence

 
deprived you of your mystic name My lack of imagination has caused a bit of a struggle on this line.
loss of respect for nature is what i wanted to describe
invent a god who´s far away

for to despoil you of your limbs 

“make earth subject” as bible prints I'm not really sure about is one either. i tried to explain in post #16 along with the bible quote

thank you for for reading and commenting!

---

hi vag, just comments on the edit as i think it's the one that can be best edited.
actually i have no idea what you want that means


in general i'd suggest omitting unnecessary words and using if needed  punctuation instead;

measured, every element
down to your iron core                          wouldn´t it be strange if i left out the word that rhymes? i d have to eliminate more rhymes.. maybe i ll try a poem with the same content and without rhyme, but not today.

thanks for your comments.
i d like to know if it is expected to keep the original version intact in the first post or if i can just change it as i feel like.

[billy]

hi vag, just comments on the edit as i think it's the one that can be best edited.
actually i have no idea what you want that means it means I'm leaving feedback on your edited version


in general i'd suggest omitting unnecessary words and using if needed  punctuation instead;

measured, every element
down to your iron core                          wouldn´t it be strange if i left out the word that rhymes? i d have to eliminate more rhymes.. maybe i ll try a poem with the same content and without rhyme, but not today. having two words that rhyme [forgotten/rotten] don't make a rhyming poem [verse] and they're also a little forced. so let's be clear on this, it's not a rhyming poem of course i may have missed something and got it completely wrong, if i have please accept my apology

thanks for your comments.
i d like to know if it is expected to keep the original version intact in the first post or if i can just change it as i feel like.

it seems your edit is on the bottom and i was answering the original version. sorry, i'll now go and leave feedback on the edit.

[billy]

i get what/who mother is in the first 2 lines, though the poem doesn't hold me enough to want to carry on. the rhymes need more work, a good rhyme should be subtle.

Mother              ( edit)

we measured every element
down to your iron core we scanned
but who you are is long forgotten the [but] makes the line a half foot too long
secret gardens reaped and rotten.

your name´s denied and undermined. nice [d's] why is the name [what is the name] denied?
We crafted gods with false commands,      
a warrant to despoil  your  limbs!   what limbs?   
the answer that we´ll hear is grim: rhymes feels forced as opposed to slant

we´re self-aware but cancerous fruit,
sprouts oblivious to our roots, what do these 2 line mean? are our fruits children?
we ache because
we share your wounds. no rhymes

[vagabond]

i get what/who mother is in the first 2 lines, though the poem doesn't hold me enough to want to carry on. the rhymes need more work, a good rhyme should be subtle. a good rhyme should not be forced -  i know. problem so far i could not come up with better rhymes.

Mother              ( edit)

we measured every element
down to your iron core we scanned
but who you are is long forgotten the [but] makes the line a half foot too long    i think the but is necessary to explain the contradiction that we have scientifically explored earth but at the same time give nature less worth and respect than it demands (in my opinion).   i just realize that is a kind of vague, cheesy thing i wrote. indication to re-think maybe re-write if i can think of something better.    THANK YOU.
secret gardens reaped and rotten.

your name´s denied and undermined. nice [d's] why is the name [what is the name] denied?   if something (in this case nature) has no name (mother earth) then it would somehow indicate loss of respect. so humanity can without second thought go exploiting.  but you´re right, it´s quite unclear.  i ll think about that.

We crafted gods with false commands,      
a warrant to despoil  your  limbs!   what limbs?   if nature is the whole body then natural resources are the limbs.
the answer that we´ll hear is grim: rhymes feels forced as opposed to slant    i wish but i still don´t have a better rhyme

we´re self-aware but cancerous fruit,
sprouts oblivious to our roots, what do these 2 line mean? are our fruits children? we are part of nature ourselves but forgot about it or choose to ignore
we ache because
we share your wounds. no rhymes     it´s the end of the poem, and the basic message. i thought that justifies abandoning the rhymes.

[Branddix]

Very thoughtful poem. The line "Sprouts oblivious to our roots" was particularly powerful to me.