Pancakes in the Stream(edit 0.001 Billy, Tom, and Ella)

[Erthona]

[b]Pancakes in the Stream [/b](edit 0.001 Billy, Tom, and ella)

 
Pancake ice is nice,
so round just like your moon pie face,
my dear. I know the image is there
so clear. It seems it’s been misplaced
I fear. My mind is melting away.

-Original-

Pancakes in the Stream
 
Pancake ice is nice,
so round just like your moon pie face
my dear. I know the image is there
so clear. It seems it’s been misplaced
or seared. My mind is melting away.
 
–Erthona
 
 
 Ice Pancakes
 
 
©2014

[makeshift]

Pancakes in the Stream
 
Pancake ice is nice,
so round just like your moon pie face
my dear. I know the image is there
so clear. It seems it’s been misplaced
or seared. My mind is melting away.
 
–Erthona
 
 
 Ice Pancakes
 
 
©2014

I've never seen ice pancakes, those are neat. They almost remind me of lily pads. 

There are a few layers of tension going on in the first two lines that I enjoyed. Pancake Ice makes me think of iced pancakes which some how relates to moon pies with them both being sugary circle foods. Ice pancakes kinda look like the moon, but moon pies not as much since they are chocolate colored. Ice/Nice is more silly then descriptive. "moon pie face" brings to mind a whimsical description of a really circular face, like an children's book illustration. 

 I don't know what "the image" is supposed to be of, the face, the ice, something else entirely? I like the end and how it relates to the ice pancake, it evokes a really beautiful image. I imagine thoughts like little bits of ice drifting in the head, and melting as the cerebral space becomes more hazy. I almost want to know why the narrators mind is melting, I thought initially because of age, but it could be maybe they are just getting sleepy or maybe drugs IDK Idk

 I like to imagine the narrator is at the dentist, he just got injected with morphine and they have a little photograph of ice pancakes on the ceiling that you can look at while they do their dentist business. 

This poem reminded me of the book cloudy with a chance of meatballs.  Its all real silly, and trying to critique it almost felt like I was taking the poem more serious then it wants to be.  Anway just my 2 cents thnx for sharing. ^^

[Erthona]

makeshift,

I always appreciate anyone taking the time to comment, there is always some benefit even if no actually change is made, in your case, I think you have hit upon something that I need to change, but currently at a loss as to how.

I was thinking of the vanilla moon pies, I rarely ate the chocolate kind, and was not thinking about them (choc. MP's) at all when I wrote this.

"I almost want to know why the narrators mind is melting, I thought initially because of age, but it could be maybe they are just getting sleepy or maybe drugs IDK Idk"

As you say it does not matter, any view point will work here, although I did have a specific one when I wrote this, it specificity is not important. The important connection is between the "ice" pancakes melting and the melting of the speaker mind, as though memory is no longer functioning and the image can only be keep as long as the pancakes last.

Yes, it is rather silly, all just a practice in the tangential related to the picture, hopefully with enough of understated archetypes that it evokes something in most. Of course I do realize it is obviously from a male perspective, although that was not my intent. Oh well, the best laid plans of rodents and Fictional Characters...

Thanks again for commenting,

Dale

[ellajam]

First, thank you for the image, the actual one and the moon pie face. My first thought on the image is that an artist had done it, like Chihuly launching his blown glass spheres down the river. It is an amazing phenomena.

The poem. I have an issue with "My mind is melting away." It is just too blunt for me. The internal rhymes add to the dreaminess of the piece but the ending just lied flat for me. I don't have a suggestion for a better line right now, but you may want to think about it.

Thanks for posting this. Good morning.

Pancakes in the Stream
 
Pancake ice is nice,
so round just like your moon pie face
my dear. I know the image is there
so clear. It seems it’s been misplaced
or seared. My mind is melting away.
 
–Erthona
 
 
 Ice Pancakes
 
 
©2014

[Erthona]

Ellajam,

Thanks for commenting, could you elaborate on what you mean by "the ending just lied flat for me"? So if you could explicate this idea I would appreciate it.

Thanks,

Dale

[Wjames]

Pancakes in the Stream
 
Pancake ice is nice,
so round just like your moon pie face
my dear. I know the image is there
so clear. It seems it’s been misplaced
or seared. My mind is melting away.
 
–Erthona
 
 
 Ice Pancakes
 
©2014

Hey Dale,

I read this earlier and for some reason didn't notice the image of Ice Pancakes below the poem; without the picture, I thought you meant pancakes topped with icing sugar in the first line, which muddled my reading of the rest of the poem.

I like the idea of pancake ice as a metaphor for losing the ability to picture an old loved ones face. I especially like the comparison since the "face" of the ice is blank (the only comparison made is the roundness).

I'm not sure if it was your intention, but when I picture a "moon pie face" it's covered in acne (this might be just because I've never seen an actual moon pie). I would prefer an image with no correlation to features of a face (I personally would even prefer just "face" without moon pies) to further the "I can't remember what she looks like" metaphor.

I don't like the choppiness/curtness of the two sentences before the final one, I think they could be combined pretty easily if you wanted to, as they're essentially the same idea. I do like the last line though, it sort of ties the whole thing together for me, and it seems like something someone would actually say; to me it contrasts well with the sort of upbeat mood/cadence of the rest of the poem.

[ellajam]

I can see WJ's point of contrast in the last line, but I don't think that's the issue I have with it. I like melting away so it must be My mind that bothers me. I'm not sure if it's the my-my sound or the generality of the word mind itself. A mind melting away, or a mind melts away. My grasp melting away.

I don't know, your poem, maybe those will lead you somewhere if you agree something's not quite right. It may just be me.

[Erthona]

Wjames,

The intent, and I'm not saying it was successful, but the intent of using the idea of moon pie face (there is actually a confection called that) was to show that this was an affectionate nick name given to someone special from the past. I can possibly see that you could see acne if you are picturing the actually moon, less so a "moon pie," but I'm not sure I can take responsibility for what your mind conjures from that description, unless it is more obvious. I think if you look at a "vanilla moon pie" (which I probably need to define the vanilla more) it is hard to think of acne from the picture.

 http://www.candywarehouse.com/assets/ite...464-im.jpg

"I don't like the choppiness/curtness of the two sentences before the final one".

Ah yes, The idea, and I am not claiming it was successful was to create the idea of the image one gets when film is catching and stopping, as to mimic how his brain is staring to fall into dysfunction. I will consider your suggestion, but at the moment I am somewhat committed to that form, and the poem would need a complete rewrite to change that.

Thanks for your time and input.

Dale
_____________________________________________________
Ellacappella,

Well it is a first person statement, so the question becomes what is the best first person statement this person could voice for his situation? Let us assume he is older with a touch of dementia, or Alzheimer's and he is aware his memory is slowly being lost to him. So with that awareness, and with a nod to the ice pancakes as representing little memory blobs, how does one state the final line?
I'm aware of what you are saying, I simply have no better alternative for what is currently there. If you can create something you think works better, I'm all ears. Well no, not really. Prince Charles is all ears and I don't look anything like him, but I will certainly listen.  

ChristmasMerry

Dale    

   

[ellajam]

Wjames,

The intent, and I'm not saying it was successful, but the intent of using the idea of moon pie face (there is actually a confection called that) was to show that this was an affectionate nick name given to someone special from the past. I can possibly see that you could see acne if you are picturing the actually moon, less so a "moon pie," but I'm not sure I can take responsibility for what your mind conjures from that description, unless it is more obvious. I think if you look at a "vanilla moon pie" (which I probably need to define the vanilla more) it is hard to think of acne from the picture.

 http://www.candywarehouse.com/assets/ite...464-im.jpg

"I don't like the choppiness/curtness of the two sentences before the final one".

Ah yes, The idea, and I am not claiming it was successful was to create the idea of the image one gets when film is catching and stopping, as to mimic how his brain is staring to fall into dysfunction. I will consider your suggestion, but at the moment I am somewhat committed to that form, and the poem would need a complete rewrite to change that.

Thanks for your time and input.

Dale
_____________________________________________________
Ellacappella,

Well it is a first person statement, so the question becomes what is the best first person statement this person could voice for his situation? Let us assume he is older with a touch of dementia, or Alzheimer's and he is aware his memory is slowly being lost to him. So with that awareness, and with a nod to the ice pancakes as representing little memory blobs, how does one state the final line?
I'm aware of what you are saying, I simply have no better alternative for what is currently there. If you can create something you think works better, I'm all ears. Well no, not really. Prince Charles is all ears and I don't look anything like him, but I will certainly listen.  

ChristmasMerry

Dale    

   

Hi Dale, After reading your explanation to WJ I was thinking each frame melts away, doubling on film and photo frames, but really, I think if you thought it needed fixing you'd fix it yourself.

Hoping to over eat and drink to just before the point of distress, wishing you the same, Happy Here Comes Winter.

Edit, I might even be happy with "a mind is melting away", gets rid of my-my and is even more removed, are you still sure that mind is your own?

[billy]

pancakes in the stream. this is what we are, and we rerly on each other.....you minded me of a song

love the ice cake image created, the last line gives me an impression of the onset of Alzheimer's. the melting works for me as it extends the ice metaphor. the one nit i have with the content is [seared] while it juxtaposes the ice them as a lost memory it feels a bit like it's intruding where it shouldn't

Pancakes in the Stream
 
Pancake ice is nice,
so round just like your moon pie face no need for just
my dear. I know the image is there
so clear. It seems it’s been misplaced
or seared. My mind is melting away.
 
–Erthona
 
 
 Ice Pancakes
 
 
©2014

[billy]

i just read the last reply and now it looks like i copied a post. ....fuck you satan

[tectak]

Pancakes in the Stream
 
Pancake ice is nice,
so round just like your moon pie face
my dear. I know the image is there
so clear. It seems it’s been misplaced
or seared. My mind is melting away.
 
–Erthona
 
 
 Ice Pancakes
 
 
©2014

Hi dale,
if ever there was a  place for brevity this is it. I am reminded of the paradoxical Dali and his Persistence of Memory. Overwhelmingly the content here reflects the form. What I means is that a piece  such a this is outstanding because of its density. Wonderful work. I am loathe to pick at it except to mark that uniquely Punjabi English tendency to slip in "my dear" as though the Raj was still raging.
Interestingly, uk tv has just run a series of programs on that jolly interesting subject, the weather, my dear. Featured were the ice pancakes....otherwise they would have been a mystery to me.
Metaphor in place, you run with it over a sprintable distance and to be disarmIngly eulogistic....are not out of breath at the finish line. I still worry about you, though.

All of it needs all of it.
Comma after face.
Best,
tectak

[Erthona]

Thanks Tom,

The use of "My Dear" was more of a hint to the age of the speaker rather than anything else. I'm not a big fan of enjambment but I like the way it effects the sonic quality of the line here, as the line break creates a natural caesura followed by short/long syllables. I put the comma after face, you can decide if ti accomplishes what you thought it would, I thought the line break caused enough pause that it didn't need a comma. Still I bow to your superior grammatical knowledge.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Billy,

Yes, I think you pointed out a flaw in the poem, basically a forced rhyme. As a result I made a change that I think makes the poem a lot better. Thank you.

__________________________________________________________________________________
Ella,
"a mind is melting away"

I'm assuming you were being facetious when you wrote that. I think the change I made to the preceding line makes the last line read a little better, but I like the mumbling alliterative quality of "My mind". Kind of like "Buh Bye". Older people do not enunciate their words all that well, and in fact have a tendency to mumble, as most times the end up talking to themselves. Of course as always you have my unreserved permission to make a copy and change until it suits you, that is if you find yourself extremely bored over the hollly daze Don't eat those red berries though they make your stomach hurt really bad right before they kill you. I've had to use three get out of Hell cards because of them. You'd think I'd learn my lesson, but knoooow. Oh, but they're so shinny! must-re-sists!


XOXOXOXO


dale

[TimeOut]

Pancakes in the Stream
 
Pancake ice is nice,
so round just like your moon pie face
my dear. I know the image is there
so clear. It seems it’s been misplaced
or seared. My mind is melting away.
 
–Erthona
 
 
 Ice Pancakes
 
 
©2014

I've never seen ice pancakes, those are neat. They almost remind me of lily pads. 

There are a few layers of tension going on in the first two lines that I enjoyed. Pancake Ice makes me think of iced pancakes which some how relates to moon pies with them both being sugary circle foods. Ice pancakes kinda look like the moon, but moon pies not as much since they are chocolate colored. Ice/Nice is more silly then descriptive. "moon pie face" brings to mind a whimsical description of a really circular face, like an children's book illustration. 

 I don't know what "the image" is supposed to be of, the face, the ice, something else entirely? I like the end and how it relates to the ice pancake, it evokes a really beautiful image. I imagine thoughts like little bits of ice drifting in the head, and melting as the cerebral space becomes more hazy. I almost want to know why the narrators mind is melting, I thought initially because of age, but it could be maybe they are just getting sleepy or maybe drugs IDK Idk

 I like to imagine the narrator is at the dentist, he just got injected with morphine and they have a little photograph of ice pancakes on the ceiling that you can look at while they do their dentist business. 

This poem reminded me of the book cloudy with a chance of meatballs.  Its all real silly, and trying to critique it almost felt like I was taking the poem more serious then it wants to be.  Anway just my 2 cents thnx for sharing. ^^

I agree with the "my mind is melting away" problem. I like the alliteration, but I feel that the connotation this image conjures is just too closely tied to drugs, OR worse case video games. There definitely is a better way to express a slipping of memory/losing your grasp on your own reality. It's hard because I like the concept of the ice pancakes melting, but I think when used with 'mind' it is too polarizing of an image. I say ditch the alliteration and go with something more direct. For example...

It seems it’s been misplaced
or seared. Melted away or disappeared.

[71degrees]

[b]Pancakes in the Stream [/b](edit 0.001 Billy, Tom, and ella)

 
Pancake ice is nice,
so round just like your moon pie face,
my dear. I know the image is there
so clear. It seems it’s been misplaced
I fear. My mind is melting away.

-Original-

Pancakes in the Stream
 
Pancake ice is nice,
so round just like your moon pie face
my dear. I know the image is there
so clear. It seems it’s been misplaced
or seared. My mind is melting away.
 
–Erthona
 
 
 Ice Pancakes
 
 
©2014

The "my dear / so clear" makes this sound too much like "This is Just to Say"….my three cents. Instead of prunes, we have Ice Pancakes. I like both poems. But still...

[Erthona]

Timeout,

Thanks for commenting. I guess we will just have to disagree on this one. I think hallucinogens produce a very similar effect to certain forms of dementia. Both are states that are to a greater or lessor degree disconnected from reality; both exhibit dreamlike qualities and both seem to block access to certain -if not most of the- memory. Of course with dementia this is (mostly) a permanent and progressive condition, whereas with the other it is (most times) temporary (although I have known those to go off to the weenie roast and never return). Stan Groff (one of the bigwigs in the 4th wave of psychology, aka transpersonal psychology)did a fair amount of work on LSD psychotherapy and found that many people who were diagnosed as having schizophrenia were in fact not schizophrenic but were experiencing a condition he called "spiritual emergence," which Groff likened to "kundalini awakening. Given the right environment and support these people could work through this "process" in about a year and be just as sane, if not more so than before this supposed schizophrenic onset happened.   Regardless of what one calls it, the symptoms are all similar and physically both the serotonin and the dopamine (especially the D2 receptor site) have been altered in similar ways. Aside from that I have worked with the elderly with these sort of brain disorders and have personal experience of the chemical induced type.
So these are my experiences with this sort of thing. I'm not saying that your experience is invalid, I'm sure it is perfectly accurate from your perspective, and I appreciate you sharing it. Maybe this could act as a springboard for you to explore this subject in a poem.

Thanks again,

Dale
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
71 degrees,

Wow that's quite the leap from this to William Carlos Williams poem. Sorry, I can't really see any similarity between the two (not anymore than I can see between myself and William Carlos Williams Obvious you do, but I just don't get the connection at all (I did go back and reread his poem). Thanks for your comments.

Dale

[RiverNotch]

[b]Pancakes in the Stream [/b](edit 0.001 Billy, Tom, and ella)

Pancake ice is nice,
so round just like your moon pie face,
my dear. I know the image is there
so clear. It seems it’s been misplaced
I fear. My mind is melting away.

I'm kinda missing the commas at the ends of lines 3 and 4.
The second and third sentences feel like they don't belong on the same stanza. Their surreal nature sort of fits, yes, but the sudden jump of ideas feels like something better expressed with the development of a new stanza. 
And it's not that my mind is melting away is too blunt an ending (the fact that it's blunt, I think, makes the whole poem sound more melty, and reinforces the whole dissoluble nature of the poem), it's just that I feel there's something more that could be put there. Not necessarily a new idea, nor a restatement of the old ones: just the addition of one tiny image, connected but distinct, to enhance the reader's visualization of the poem, could really do wonders with this.


In general, though, I like the whole disconnected but straight to the point nature of the poem. It feels like a good mirror to love while under the influence of something dissociating, like drugs, dementia, or sleep deprivation; the feelings I've had while waking up from a dream of absolute bliss are almost perfectly encapsulated in this neat little poem. Though again, another image at the end might just do it for me.

[Erthona]

Jumper wrote: "If an image is there, "so clear" how could it be misplaced?"

The implication in the line:

"I know the image is there so clear."

Is that he "knows" it is there, but he cannot recall it. In other words he knows he once had a memory of this clear image, but can no longer recall it. He does not say "I see the image." "Is there" in his memory. Although I will consider that I am placing an undue burden on the reader and that this should be made clearer.

Thanks for your time and comments.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
RiverNotch,

Thanks for the critique, what you say at the last is exactly what I had in mind when I was writing this, so it is nice to have at least one person validate that

"just the addition of one tiny image, connected but distinct, to enhance the reader's visualization of the poem, could really do wonders with this."

I understand what you are saying and such an addition might improve the poem. What I do know is at the moment I've got nothing, but I do understand what you mean. Thanks for the insight.

Dale

[tectak]

Jumper wrote: "If an image is there, "so clear" how could it be misplaced?"

The implication in the line:

"I know the image is there so clear."

Is that he "knows" it is there, but he cannot recall it. In other words he knows he once had a memory of this clear image, but can no longer recall it. He does not say "I see the image." "Is there" in his memory. Although I will consider that I am placing an undue burden on the reader and that this should be made clearer.

Thanks for your time and comments.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
RiverNotch,

Thanks for the critique, what you say at the last is exactly what I had in mind when I was writing this, so it is nice to have at least one person validate that

"just the addition of one tiny image, connected but distinct, to enhance the reader's visualization of the poem, could really do wonders with this."

I understand what you are saying and such an addition might improve the poem. What I do know is at the moment I've got nothing, but I do understand what you mean. Thanks for the insight.

Dale

....and now, as I am mycologically inclined, I would like to challenge you, dale, to write an equivalent piece on "hair ice". You will need to google it, my hirsute hero.
Best,
tectak

[Erthona]

Sure thing!

Anything for you Captain Mushroom my hero!

Dale