Haiku revisited

[Leah S.]

Going nowhere ---
The butterfly
On the blowing laundry.

[just mercedes]

I love the concept of your 'ku but I think the first line lets it down - it doesn't give me an image, as the others do. Maybe something like 'hitchhiker'?

[zahrakh]

nice one. but syllable count needs to be checked.

[jaybee]

I've never really been a fan of haiku, but I like what you've done here.

[ellajam]

nice one. but syllable count needs to be checked.

Many modern haiku writers don't adhere to the 5/7/5.

There are multiple threads on the site discussing this, here's one:
http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-5432.html

Feel free to express your preferences there.

[srijantje]

In my opinion it's the content that matters,not the technicality

[Magpie]

Going nowhere ---
The butterfly
On the blowing laundry.

Hi, I've read this quite a few times now today and although I really like the 'contents' as it were, of the image, I still feel that they could be somehow rearranged in a way that gave it a spark or 'Ah-ha' moment. It could possibly be more to with the way my mind is working at the moment but I kept on wanting the butterfly to be going nowhere by trying to go somewhere, ie flying in to the wind but remaining stationary. That was literally my very first thought when I read it because that's what I thought you were going for also, but then I quickly realised that was not the case, but alas in my head the butterfly is cursed to take a harder path than resting on the laundry.
It's a nice image in it's quaintness but, to me it seems slightly static and doesn't really say a great deal apart from painting a scene.
Possibly if the butterfly and laundry where both experiencing the same conditions, namely the wind, and to one it was a burden and a struggle to overcome it and move forward and to the other it was a benefit which is the reason it has been put there, then in that scenario I see a possibility for a spark or an 'Ah-ha' moment.
Perhaps I've missed your true intention or perhaps I've read too much into another aspect... See what you think and also let me know if you think I have missed something. The ingredients are all there.

Thanks for the read,

Mark

[srijantje]

you could turn the last 2 sentences around...............

[Leah S.]

Going nowhere ---
The butterfly
On the blowing laundry.

Hi, I've read this quite a few times now today and although I really like the 'contents' as it were, of the image, I still feel that they could be somehow rearranged in a way that gave it a spark or 'Ah-ha' moment. It could possibly be more to with the way my mind is working at the moment but I kept on wanting the butterfly to be going nowhere by trying to go somewhere, ie flying in to the wind but remaining stationary. That was literally my very first thought when I read it because that's what I thought you were going for also, but then I quickly realised that was not the case, but alas in my head the butterfly is cursed to take a harder path than resting on the laundry.
It's a nice image in it's quaintness but, to me it seems slightly static and doesn't really say a great deal apart from painting a scene.
Possibly if the butterfly and laundry where both experiencing the same conditions, namely the wind, and to one it was a burden and a struggle to overcome it and move forward and to the other it was a benefit which is the reason it has been put there, then in that scenario I see a possibility for a spark or an 'Ah-ha' moment.
Perhaps I've missed your true intention or perhaps I've read too much into another aspect... See what you think and also let me know if you think I have missed something. The ingredients are all there.

Thanks for the read,

Mark

Sorry it took me so long, I lost the location of the haiku thread. Anyway, the poem is a comment on the concept of "going nowhere" as in the criticism implied in comments like "her career is going nowhere." So I have to keep "Going nowhere" as the first line. I meant it to evoke wabi-sabi. The butterfly is content to be going nowhere, and besides, is it really 'going nowhere,' when it provides us with such evanescent enjoyment?

---

nice one. but syllable count needs to be checked.

Many modern haiku writers don't adhere to the 5/7/5.

There are multiple threads on the site discussing this, here's one:
http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-5432.html

Feel free to express your preferences there.

Yeah, 5-7-5 doesn't work in English