Rooted (edit 1, billy, chris)

[ellajam]

Edit #1 (billy, chris)

Securely planted, deep in place
foundation pinned to granite ledge,
attached onto the mountain face
securely planted deep. In place
of freedom, settled in its space,
an eaglet with no urge to fledge,
securely planted, deep in place,
foundation pinned to granite ledge.


Original

Securely planted, deep in place
atop a solid granite ledge,
attached into the mountain face
securely planted deep. In place
of freedom, settled in its space,
an eaglet with no urge to fledge,
securely planted, deep in place,
atop a solid granite ledge.

[billy]

a good triolet

i like how you change the punctuation on the first repeating line. for some reason it makes me think of the usa   i also like the naturalistic feel of the poem.
no constructive feedback to speak of apart from saying it works well. if i were forced to make a negative comment it would be ask [into] or [onto] the mountain face; niggly i know but an option to consider

Securely planted, deep in place
atop a solid granite ledge,
attached into the mountain face
securely planted deep. In place
of freedom, settled in its space,
an eaglet with no urge to fledge,
securely planted, deep in place,
atop a solid granite ledge.

[ellajam]

Thanks, billy, I'll try the change and see how I like it. I think I may be over comma-ed, but I'm not sure which to pull. And April's coming and I haven't edited any of last year's NaPM poems.

a good triolet

i like how you change the punctuation on the first repeating line. for some reason it makes me think of the usa   i also like the naturalistic feel of the poem.
no constructive feedback to speak of apart from saying it works well. if i were forced to make a negative comment it would be ask [into] or [onto] the mountain face; niggly i know but an option to consider

Securely planted, deep in place
atop a solid granite ledge,
attached into the mountain face
securely planted deep. In place
of freedom, settled in its space,
an eaglet with no urge to fledge,
securely planted, deep in place,
atop a solid granite ledge.

[ChristopherSea]

I like it, but I am thinking that there may be a better word then 'solid'. Especially, as it is in the refrain. I suppose it's the double modification of a noun (ledge) thing that kind of makes it feel like a filler. If we do use two adjectives, they need to be highly significant. Solid implies security, stability, etc. However, is their a better word? Of course, I don't have one! Maybe this is not a problem for you. See what you think./Chris

[ellajam]

I like it, but I am thinking that there may be a better word then 'solid'. Especially, as it is in the refrain. I suppose it's the double modification of a noun (ledge) thing that kind of makes it feel like a filler. If we do use two adjectives, they need to be highly significant. Solid implies security, stability, etc. However, is their a better word? Of course, I don't have one! Maybe this is not a problem for you. See what you think./Chris

Thanks, Chris, I'll certainly think on it and see if I can come up with something. It's true, what would granite be if not solid. Thanks for pointing out the flaw.


atop a slab of granite ledge. might work, just as bad? Now I'm not so sure I like atop.

[ChristopherSea]

I like it, but I am thinking that there may be a better word then 'solid'. Especially, as it is in the refrain. I suppose it's the double modification of a noun (ledge) thing that kind of makes it feel like a filler. If we do use two adjectives, they need to be highly significant. Solid implies security, stability, etc. However, is their a better word? Of course, I don't have one! Maybe this is not a problem for you. See what you think./Chris

Thanks, Chris, I'll certainly think on it and see if I can come up with something. It's true, what would granite be if not solid. Thanks for pointing out the flaw.


atop a slab of granite ledge. might work, just as bad? Now I'm not so sure I like atop.

'aloft or upon a slab of granite ledge' may sound nice

[ellajam]

Thanks guys, edit 1 up, but the more I read it the weaker it gets.

[Grace]

Securely planted, deep in place
atop a solid granite ledge,
attached into the mountain face
securely planted deep. In place
of freedom, settled in its space,
an eaglet with no urge to fledge,
securely planted, deep in place,
atop a solid granite ledge.

Love this. Your words paint a perfect picture of that little eaglet, settled in its space. Fairly new to critiquing, but nothing I would change! Grace

[ellajam]

Securely planted, deep in place
atop a solid granite ledge,
attached into the mountain face
securely planted deep. In place
of freedom, settled in its space,
an eaglet with no urge to fledge,
securely planted, deep in place,
atop a solid granite ledge.

Love this.  Your words paint a perfect picture of that little eaglet, settled in its space. Fairly new to critiquing, but nothing I would change! Grace

Thanks for reading, Grace. If you can Identify what about the poem appeals to you it would help me in the next edit. Any opinions on comma placement? Take your time, but if you come up with anything let me know. Thanks, ella

[Grace]

Securely planted, deep in place
atop a solid granite ledge,
attached into the mountain face
securely planted deep. In place
of freedom, settled in its space,
an eaglet with no urge to fledge,
securely planted, deep in place,
atop a solid granite ledge.

Love this.  Your words paint a perfect picture of that little eaglet, settled in its space. Fairly new to critiquing, but nothing I would change! Grace

Thanks for reading, Grace. If you can Identify what about the poem appeals to you it would help me in the next edit. Any opinions on comma placement? Take your time, but if you come up with anything let me know. Thanks, ella

On to it. Grace

[Grace]

Edit #1 (billy, chris)

Securely planted, deep in place
foundation pinned to granite ledge,
attached onto the mountain face
securely planted deep. In place
of freedom, settled in its space,
an eaglet with no urge to fledge,
securely planted, deep in place,
foundation pinned to granite ledge.


Original

Securely planted, deep in place
atop a solid granite ledge,
attached into the mountain face
securely planted deep. In place
of freedom, settled in its space,
an eaglet with no urge to fledge,
securely planted, deep in place,
atop a solid granite ledge.

Hi. When I posted earlier, I hadn't seen the first edit. Now looking at the edit, to be honest "foundation pinned to granite ledge", doesn't have the same impact as "atop a solid granite ledge". I think using solid and granite together does work, because as I'm reading the poem, I'm thinking about how the eaglet will be pushed off the ledge by its mother, to teach it to fly; going from solid to empty space, to soft feathers of its mothers back, as she flies underneath to catch it. To underline the solidity of the ledge, highlights the fragility of the eaglet. However deeply it's "settled in its space", it's also going to lose the safety of that place. I agree with changing "into" to "onto", L3. Leaving out a comma after mountain face reads like the mountain face is also planted deep. If it's a lost/abandoned eaglet Ill have to start again !! Just some thoughts, anyway..:-) Grace

[ellajam]

Edit #1 (billy, chris)

Securely planted, deep in place
foundation pinned to granite ledge,
attached onto the mountain face
securely planted deep. In place
of freedom, settled in its space,
an eaglet with no urge to fledge,
securely planted, deep in place,
foundation pinned to granite ledge.


Original

Securely planted, deep in place
atop a solid granite ledge,
attached into the mountain face
securely planted deep. In place
of freedom, settled in its space,
an eaglet with no urge to fledge,
securely planted, deep in place,
atop a solid granite ledge.

Hi. When I posted earlier, I hadn't seen the first edit. Now looking at the edit, to be honest "foundation pinned to granite ledge", doesn't have the same impact as "atop a solid granite ledge". I think using solid and granite together does work, because as I'm reading the poem, I'm thinking about how the eaglet will be pushed off the ledge by its mother, to teach it to fly; going from solid to empty space, to soft feathers of its mothers back, as she flies underneath to catch it. To underline the solidity of the ledge, highlights the fragility of the eaglet. However deeply it's "settled in its space", it's also going to lose the safety of that place.  I agree with changing "into" to "onto", L3.  Leaving out a comma after mountain face reads like the mountain face is also planted deep. If it's a lost/abandoned eaglet Ill have to start again !! Just some thoughts, anyway..:-) Grace

Grace, thanks so much for your thoughtful read. I'll take your comments with me into the next edit. I often have to backtrack when I've taken something important out, that's why it helps so much when critiques are very specific. Much appreciated.

Also, although the eaglet is mentioned, to me the poem is not about it. It is always interesting to see how different readers interpret the poem.