A Hot Pink Crayon

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A Hot Pink Crayon

The doctor gave to me
The small blue pills and white orange caps
and promised that they’d fix my broken parts.

The doctor gave to me
What all my life they thought I’d need –
to take the crayons, and color in the lines.

The doctor gave to me
Allowance in florescent pills –
to spend on someone new to replace me.

The doctor gave to me
Assurance that the pills would stay
My life would end if the pills went away.

The doctor took from me
A spectacular spectrum of colors!
Electric and vivid, mingling together, pulsing and vibrating, creating an anthem or a lullaby.
To laugh sincerely, to love childishly.
To skid a hot pink crayon across the coloring book and to exclaim “how beautiful!”

[onepapa]

A Hot Pink Crayon

The doctor gave to me
The small blue pills and white orange caps
and promised that they’d fix my broken parts.

The doctor gave to me
What all my life they thought I’d need –
to take the crayons, and color in the lines.

The doctor gave to me
Allowance in florescent pills –
to spend on someone new to replace me.

The doctor gave to me
Assurance that the pills would stay
My life would end if the pills went away.

The doctor took from me
A spectacular spectrum of colors!
Electric and vivid, mingling together, pulsing and vibrating, creating an anthem or a lullaby.
To laugh sincerely, to love childishly.
To skid a hot pink crayon across the coloring book and to exclaim “how beautiful!”

I like the sentiment of this poem.

Your punctuation is random, sometimes you do it and sometimes you don't. I suggest you punctuate properly everywhere and if you don't want to do that, don't punctuate at all.

The last strophe uses too many clichés or close clichés.

You might try breaking the last strophe into two three line strophe, using "The doctor took from me" as an additional line since you have that theme throughout.

I am a big fan of clear poetry and this is very clear but it lacks sufficient poetic devices to make it feel like poetry rather than prose. I think that is a matter of syntax and making more use of assonance and consonance and showing more and telling less.

The best part of this poem is that is clearly tells the reader what you are feeling and the hot pink crayon is a very vivid device.

onepapa

[Leah S.]

A Hot Pink Crayon

The doctor gave to me 'gave to me' makes me think of the 12 days of Xmas
The small blue pills and white orange caps well, are the caps white or orange?
and promised that they’d fix my broken parts. what broken parts?

The doctor gave to me
What all my life they thought I’d need – if 'they,' then 'doctors,' in above line; also the inversion sticks in my craw.
to take the crayons, and color in the lines. "The doctor gave to me to take the crayons, and color in the lines." Take the parenthetical phrase out and that's how your syntax renders the sentence. Hopefully that wasn't your intention.

The doctor gave to me
Allowance in florescent pills – (fluorescent) 'Allowance is ambiguous; as in 'make allowances' or as in a sum granted to a subordinate or child, which is what you imply in the next line.
to spend on someone new to replace me. the metaphor of medication as a child's allowance falls flat; I don't get where you're going with it.

The doctor gave to me
Assurance that the pills would stay you haven't rhymed up till now, why start?
My life would end if the pills went away. I don't worry about my pills running off; they pretty much stay put, without requiring any reassurance from my doctor.

The doctor took from me how did he take it; why did you let him; who is this 'doctor' anyway?
A spectacular spectrum of colors!
Electric and vivid, mingling together, pulsing and vibrating, creating an anthem or a lullaby. if you're going to bring sound into it, it's awful late in the poem to do it.
To laugh sincerely, to love childishly.
To skid a hot pink crayon across the coloring book and to exclaim “how beautiful!”

Is this poem about somebody sick who's admiring the pretty colors of his pills, or a child medicated into dull apathy, or are these drugs antipsychotics and the patient a schizophrenic? I really would like to know.
If there is any particular significance to the Hot Pink Crayon, I've missed it. Did you have some intended inference the reader was supposed to make?  
If I understand your intention, it was to describe the 'dulling down' of the world that a person on some types of mental health drugs experiences, and to show the loss of the vivid colors and experiences of the narrator, leaving him with no color in his (or her) life but the tawdry, garish colors of the pills he has to take. Not a bad idea for a poem, but you're definitely not there yet. So far there isn't anything in this poem to grab my attention and make me care. Carry on. Leah

[Leanne]

Hello there .  These shadow people haunt me, knowing that but for ten years difference in diagnosis/ treatment trends and a more affluent upbringing this would be me.  I think your poem has all the components you need to communicate this to the reader, but it's lacking in impact due to the structure.  Were it my poem, I would separate it into only two parts: the first beginning with "the doctor gave to me" and the second "the doctor took from me", as you have done, but without the repetition.  This would require some rewriting of the other lines to make sense, of course.  Also, I don't believe that this stanza is required at all:

The doctor gave to me 

Assurance that the pills would stay
My life would end if the pills went away.

as it seems clumsy and is already implied by the rest of the poem.  

You might also consider ending the last line half way through, i.e. "to skid a hot pink crayon across the colouring book".  I don't think the rest is needed.

Lovely concept -- good luck with it!

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Thanks to everyone who has edited thus far!