Posts: 12
Threads: 3
Joined: Feb 2015
On my way to work,
I stopped for coffee,
there I ran into her.
Our old friend,
yours with perks.
She didn't care for Georgia,
not so much.
She asked If you and I,
had kept in touch?
And how I've been
I shook my head,
as I answered ,
not that much,
things been the same.
Afraid to tell her
the truth about us,
we were the ones,
who fought so hard,
Satin in your glass,
won with our hearts.
I didn't tell her,
she was the one ,
when you were flat,
drunk off your ass,
screamed out her name.
I gave her a lame hug,
a bogus number,
and wished her good luck,
my fricken luck,
she’d call, I’d hang up.
first I'd call her a name
I am so afraid.
My heart feels it.
I'm not the one you lust,
never be the way with us
She is the one.
It's was so plain,
when I mentioned,
her ugly name.
I think it will be best ,
if she stays away.
I’m not the one,
left in the first place.
Left you down, empty.
But she‘s the one,
who could take you,
so damn quickly.
I wont take a chance,
her messing up this man,
You have became,
I’m gonna pretend,
I never saw her today,
I think it’s best,
that you do the same.
You might have regrets,
I'm the one remains,
She's the one that leaves,
but never goes away
she 's the one
who need to believe
I'm not the one
No I'm not the one she can play
Posts: 126
Threads: 28
Joined: Aug 2014
welcome! this reads to me more like a diary entry than a poem. i get what you're trying to do here with the whole sorta stream of consciousness thing, but it just doesn't work for me. there are intriguing elements here worth exploring (e.g. "She didn't care for Georgia") that i think would make for a better story, but this as it is is a strung-together series of fragments and cliches that really need unraveling and refined. strip it down to what you think is the most important element and then go from there, but avoid cliche and forced rhyme, it really does drag a poem down. i would like to see you grab one or two images here and build on that rather than shoot down the page like a battering ram of common phrasings that are more "been there, done that" than "oh wow, that's fresh and new!" hope that's helpful!
Posts: 1,827
Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
Grammar, use it.
As this seems to be primarily prose since the writer uses no poetical devices, the short line length is unacceptable if for no other reason as it puts a strain on the reader to read it.
__________________________________________________________________
I'll touch on a few problems:
Perks? She has a house in Vermont? she has perky tits? No way to know. Poor writing.
Satin in your glass, won with our hearts. I have no idea.
__________________________________________________________________
Here in line:
Afraid to tell her the truth about us, we were the ones, who fought so hard, Satin in your glass, won with our hearts.
__________________________________________________________________
Just because something is lined out to resemble poetry, it does not relieve the writer of grammar. Poetry is written under the same rules as anything else unless their is a compelling reason to not do so.
__________________________________________________________________
I'm not the one you lust, never be the way with us She is the one. Three dependent clauses comma'd together does not make a sentence.
"I’m not the one, left in the first place." Did she wish to be left in the second place?
__________________________________________________________________
A man still lusts for the other woman, but the speaker wants to keep him because he has become a good man? (that makes sense in the world of forty, fifty years ago. This big baseball player cheated on his wife and she bit him, hard, blood drawing type bit)
"I'm not the one you lust, never be the way with us She is the one...I wont take a chance, her messing up this man, You have became..." (become?)
Cliche: sounds like a bad Country & Western song. I'm pretty sure Reba McIntyre has put out at least a couple in that motif.
"Jolene" by Dolly Parton written about 40 years ago, basically covers the same ground.
__________________________________________________________________
I suggest, for now and in the future, writing all sentences out and seeing if they are sentences, make sense and are grammatical. Writing readable sentences is as fundamental as correct spelling. Writing poetry does not free one of that obligation.
__________________________________________________________________
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 15
Threads: 4
Joined: Feb 2015
I found it difficult
to separate the thoughts
in your poem due to the
short lines running all the
way down the page with no breaks.
After making your lines longer and separate your ideas into versus this poem was much easier for me to read and understand.
Do these statements need to be in here?
She didn't care for Georgia, not so much.
Satin in your glass, won with our hearts
You have became?
My favorite parts:
She asked If you and I, had kept in touch? And how I've been
I shook my head, as I answered, not that much,
things are the same.
She's the one that leaves, but never goes away
she 's the one who need to believe
I'm not the one No I'm not the one she can play
Thanks for posting your work,
John
Posts: 18
Threads: 7
Joined: Feb 2015
As the confusion grew as I read further, there has to be a point where clarity has to be made so as to not cloud what you're trying to say. Otherwise, heavy usage of terms to explain what's going on, that to me propels me to read it over and over to dissect what you're trying to get across.
|
