white butterflies

[just mercedes]

edit

white butterflies jerk by
as if forgetting
how to fly






white butterflies jerk by
as if they keep forgetting
how to fly

[Tiger the Lion]

Great image. I wonder if you could crop "they keep". ???
Paul

[just mercedes]

Great image. I wonder if you could crop "they keep".  ???
Paul

Absolutely!

[billy]

i like the use of [jerk] as an image

[monmac]

The edit version works better. The image is good as l know exactly what u mean can see it now. It is like they are just learning to fly. So I was going to suggest
As if learning
But me thinks forget id probably better
Did u mean a small aba rhyme?

[just mercedes]

The edit version works better. The image is good as l know exactly what u mean can see it now. It is like they are just learning to fly. So I was going to suggest
As if learning
But me thinks forget id probably better
Did u mean a small aba rhyme?

I don't like rhyme in haiku but couldn't avoid it here.

[rayheinrich]

i like the use of [jerk] as an image

I'm not even gonna touch this one.

---

The edit version works better. The image is good as l know exactly what u mean can see it now. It is like they are just learning to fly. So I was going to suggest
As if learning
But me thinks forget id probably better
Did u mean a small aba rhyme?

I don't like rhyme in haiku but couldn't avoid it here.

Not to mention its seven iambic feet.

[71degrees]

edit

white butterflies jerk by
as if forgetting
how to fly






white butterflies jerk by
as if they keep forgetting
how to fly

"jerk by"....the "jerk" part I like, the "by" is not what butterflies do. How about "comply" (if you need to keep the rhyme bumps)? Just a thought...I do like the edit version.