It's gone again

[tomcrocus]

I'm absolutely certain but then again i'm not
i thought i could remember but now i've just forgot
i'm absolutely certain no it's gone again
i thought i could remember no i don't know your name

is it paul or is it peter
is she a rhonda or is she a rita
i only saw you last december
i know your face but i just can't remember.

[Namyh]

tomcrocus - I liked this. The older we get, the more well acquainted we become with this affliction.
I can remember sights, sounds and smells of events decades old but sometimes recalling recent
events a day or so old are gone in 60 seconds or less. forgetaboutit! Enjoyed your words tomcrocus.
Namyh

[summermoose]

tomcrocus, I love that this is a poem most everyone can relate to! It seemed to reflect the fairly common conversation we have with ourselves when forgetting.

A couple points: The meter was a tad confusing for me, particularly the last two lines - for me, it would have worked better without the word "just" in "just can't remember". The use of the word "remember" three times throughout the poem was a little much for me. It was not quite repeated enough or used consistently enough to become a firm part of the poem's rhythm, but it was used enough to draw attention to its repetition.

Anyhow, great job!

[onegirlonepen]

This poem was pleasantly simple. I felt that it reflected the feelings of one when forgetful. I liked the rhyming as well.

The title was intriguing. It hooks me in, wondering, what is "gone again"?

Good.

[bena]

Going to give you a few pointers...yes, I know this is in the fun section, but still these are things to keep in mind for future work.

In an 8 line poem, repetition is a death sentence. Someone above mentioned that you had three remembers, but also the entire phrase "I'm absolutely certain" repeats after just one line between.

The meter is very off---and it's a requirement in general to rhyming poems.

"now i've just forgot"---I know you did this just so not would have a nice rhyme, but the correct word is "forgotten"

One more thing, and I swear, I'll leave you alone----

name/again could be a good rhyme if you are from some UK country---pretty sure you may be an Aussie or Kiwi but since your readers wouldn't know that I might go for "blame" instead....like "no one is to blame."


I hope you realize that this is not a personal attack at all, but an effort to improve your poems. And it is yours, so toss all that you don't like in the bin.


bena

[Leah S.]

I'm absolutely certain but then again i'm not
i thought i could remember but now i've just forgot
i'm absolutely certain no it's gone again
i thought i could remember no i don't know your name

is it paul or is it peter
is she a rhonda or is she a rita is she a rhonda or a rita
i only saw you last december
i know your face but i just can't remember. i know your face but can't remember.

I changed the lines so the scansion for each line of s2 matches. s1 already matches just fine.

Cute. Carry on. Leah.

[tomcrocus]

Hi folks,
i've been preoccupied,i think it's only right that i should say
thanks for the feedback,i'm still very much a newcomer,you poets bamboozle
my bonce at times,critique!it's not easy,
tom.