I'm absolutely certain but then again i'm not
i thought i could remember but now i've just forgot
i'm absolutely certain no it's gone again
i thought i could remember no i don't know your name
is it paul or is it peter
is she a rhonda or is she a rita
i only saw you last december
i know your face but i just can't remember.
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tomcrocus - I liked this. The older we get, the more well acquainted we become with this affliction.
I can remember sights, sounds and smells of events decades old but sometimes recalling recent
events a day or so old are gone in 60 seconds or less. forgetaboutit! Enjoyed your words tomcrocus.
Namyh
Posts: 23
Threads: 4
Joined: Mar 2015
tomcrocus, I love that this is a poem most everyone can relate to! It seemed to reflect the fairly common conversation we have with ourselves when forgetting.
A couple points: The meter was a tad confusing for me, particularly the last two lines - for me, it would have worked better without the word "just" in "just can't remember". The use of the word "remember" three times throughout the poem was a little much for me. It was not quite repeated enough or used consistently enough to become a firm part of the poem's rhythm, but it was used enough to draw attention to its repetition.
Anyhow, great job!
onegirlonepen
Unregistered
03-10-2015, 12:54 PM
This poem was pleasantly simple. I felt that it reflected the feelings of one when forgetful. I liked the rhyming as well.
The title was intriguing. It hooks me in, wondering, what is "gone again"?
Good.
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Joined: Sep 2013
Going to give you a few pointers...yes, I know this is in the fun section, but still these are things to keep in mind for future work.
In an 8 line poem, repetition is a death sentence. Someone above mentioned that you had three remembers, but also the entire phrase "I'm absolutely certain" repeats after just one line between.
The meter is very off---and it's a requirement in general to rhyming poems.
"now i've just forgot"---I know you did this just so not would have a nice rhyme, but the correct word is "forgotten"
One more thing, and I swear, I'll leave you alone----
name/again could be a good rhyme if you are from some UK country---pretty sure you may be an Aussie or Kiwi but since your readers wouldn't know that I might go for "blame" instead....like "no one is to blame."
I hope you realize that this is not a personal attack at all, but an effort to improve your poems. And it is yours, so toss all that you don't like in the bin.
bena
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Joined: Dec 2014
(02-23-2015, 04:45 AM)tomcrocus Wrote: I'm absolutely certain but then again i'm not
i thought i could remember but now i've just forgot
i'm absolutely certain no it's gone again
i thought i could remember no i don't know your name
is it paul or is it peter
is she a rhonda or is she a rita is she a rhonda or a rita
i only saw you last december
i know your face but i just can't remember. i know your face but can't remember.
I changed the lines so the scansion for each line of s2 matches. s1 already matches just fine.
Cute. Carry on. Leah.
Hi folks,
i've been preoccupied,i think it's only right that i should say
thanks for the feedback,i'm still very much a newcomer,you poets bamboozle
my bonce at times,critique!it's not easy,
tom.
