"Good Morning, How Are you?"

[Magpie]

After the seventh tranquilizing anecdote,
my head was a precariously teetering cannonball
and the foundations of this shanty town mind
groaned louder with each successive shockwave
that emanated from your monotonous epicentre.

You are Russian roulette without the luxury of death.
I must learn the art of asking rhetorical questions.

[Tiger the Lion]

I like the title and the fact that it plays a lead role in the piece. I appreciate the irony of the long first sentence. It works well, especially with "monotonous" to confirm.
I'm not sure by my read that "luxury" is the right word. Feels like it should be "hope" or "chance". - but that would mess with the syntax a little.
Also wish the word "drone" was in here somewhere. Haha
Good read,
Paul

[Clark Xu]

Ambrosial,

I enjoyed the light joking in your poem. If you wrote the piece with someone particular in mind, you should edit it and show it to them!

The image of a "shanty town mind" captured the disorganized state of the subject of the apostrophe, but it needs backing from the rest of the poem. A foundation is not the first thing that comes to mind for a shanty town. Instead, the image might include stray dogs and dirt floors. The earthquake is a good match for the shanty town image. Still, you should strengthen the verb choice "emanated".

Since the poem is only seven lines for the seven tranquilizers, I would keep the tense the same. The two endstops in the second stanza also need reworking into an upbeat ending. Right now, it feels like feet-dragging in a fencing contest.

Good luck,
Clark

[bena]

ooo I agree with Mr Tiger about the drone, since there is a lot doublespeak---and there's much to be said about drone used both ways.

Really dig this.

[Magpie]

I like the title and the fact that it plays a lead role in the piece. I appreciate the irony of the long first sentence. It works well, especially with "monotonous" to confirm.
I'm not sure by my read that "luxury" is the right word. Feels like it should be "hope" or "chance". - but that would mess with the syntax a little.
Also wish the word "drone" was in here somewhere. Haha
Good read,
Paul

Hi Paul,

Thanks for reading, you are right about "luxury", in fact I'm not sure any of that Russian roulette line should be in at all, I think I just liked the sound of it. Which would make space for your 'drone' idea, which I really like, there's a few possibilities I'm thinking on at the moment and when I've settled on one I will edit accordingly.

Cheers for the idea,

Mark

[ellajam]

"You are Russian roulette without the luxury of death"

is my favorite line, an instant classic. Luxury is perfect for me.

[Magpie]

Ambrosial,

I enjoyed the light joking in your poem. If you wrote the piece with someone particular in mind, you should edit it and show it to them!

The image of a "shanty town mind" captured the disorganized state of the subject of the apostrophe, but it needs backing from the rest of the poem. A foundation is not the first thing that comes to mind for a shanty town. Instead, the image might include stray dogs and dirt floors. The earthquake is a good match for the shanty town image. Still, you should strengthen the verb choice "emanated".

Since the poem is only seven lines for the seven tranquilizers, I would keep the tense the same. The two endstops in the second stanza also need reworking into an upbeat ending. Right now, it feels like feet-dragging in a fencing contest.

Good luck,
Clark

Hi Clark,

Thanks for the close reading of this that you have made, you have highlighted some good issues that need looking at. I agree that "foundation" does not work well with shanty town and "emanated" does seem too positive a verb for what is being described.
I like your "feet-dragging in a fencing contest" metaphor to highlight another point... critique with style, good stuff.
Thanks once again, I will edit this soon and post the revision,
Welcome to the site,

Mark

---

"You are Russian roulette without the luxury of death"

is my favorite line, an instant classic. Luxury is perfect for me.

Ooopsss, you must have posted this as I was writing to Paul that I thought the whole line was wrong and didn't work. But this is the kind of comment to swing it back, it would never really take much persuasion to leave it in, I do quite like it.

Thank you for saving it. 

---

ooo I agree with Mr Tiger about the drone, since there is a lot doublespeak---and there's much to be said about drone used both ways.

Really dig this.

I agree with you agreeing with Mr Tiger, and I especially like the idea of using it with two possible meanings.

Thanks for reading, I will edit soon,

Mark