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03-13-2015, 02:46 PM
(This post was last modified: 03-13-2015, 02:46 PM by Leanne.)
Here I sit, broken hearted
tried to write, my muse departed
pulled my finger, got a sound
inspiration gathered round
choirs of angels, harps in tow
suffering from vertigo
falling in a feathered rain
Heaven's barred to me - again
I can hear the critics scoff
as they try to piss me off
with their petty form and rhyme
beat their chests in four-four time
while they tell me what to do
to them all, I say: haiku
It could be worse
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leanne's finger
crickets harp -
mount fuji
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions
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Just so!
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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Well, you've definitely reworked an anonymous verse and decked it so to say. There is an unpacking of the fart here. I wouldn't use gathered round because of the redunancy, but I'd love to see this on a bathroom wall. It's a twenty to one shot I would find something to critique.
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Just so Leanne, just so.
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 1,568
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Joined: Jun 2011
I didn't want to unpack the fart. It must have sneaked into the suitcase while I wasn't looking.
It could be worse
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(03-14-2015, 05:59 AM)Leanne Wrote: I didn't want to unpack the fart. It must have sneaked into the suitcase while I wasn't looking.
Well you can't blame us for auto-completing the first line.....
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I should hope not... it's my best use of intertext ever
It could be worse
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here i sit
leanne brain farted
my haiku is broken hearted.
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haiku's sit, broken hearted
hopeful it -
still not departed
Good poem, but the line "suffering from vertigo" didn't seem to go in the same beat as the rest of the poem. Perhaps I'm reading it all wrong.
Also, am I supposed to give feedback here or is that for a different forum?
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(03-17-2015, 12:46 PM)slave Wrote: am I supposed to give feedback here or is that for a different forum?
it's a different forum though a little feedback never hurt anyone.
in the for fun forum try and work out why the poem was posted. if it's for fun as this surely is just run with having a bit of fun.
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"Here I sit, broken hearted"
with only booze to console me.
A Great Dane, a puddle and a Pekinese
walk into this bar. The Great Dane says,
"Well boys it looks like the high balls are on me!"
And thus was my heart mended,
its good to have a mind,
but better to have one bended.
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 1,279
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(03-17-2015, 12:46 PM)slave Wrote: Good poem, but the line "suffering from vertigo" didn't seem to go in the same beat as the rest of the poem. Perhaps I'm reading it all wrong.
Also, am I supposed to give feedback here or is that for a different forum?
Ozzies stress the "-ings"
Probably leads to all sorts of mental issues
