To be, Just be

[summermoose]

In mother’s arms, he starts to see
the stage on which he plays.
Wide-eyed and free, begins to dream;
the crowds will come some day.

For want of part, he acts to fit,
a vapid Hamlet roams.
Green actors’ thirst, grows truculent
dull pang for greatness moans.

Transcending now, his show robust
gold words from Shakespeare’s kiss.
The crowds have come, fulfilled his lust
but head in hand he sits.

Same curtain falls, cries helplessly
to be, or not to be.
In mother’s arms, he starts to see
to be, to be, to just be.

[groberts01]

Impressive! I found the wordplay around 'to be or not to be' lovely, very well executed.
The idea of the poem is original and clear - the return to 'mother's arms' in the last stanza is very satisfying.
I like the use of an actor as your character to bring depth to the stage metaphors you use, which are about a very general experience.

I do think that while the omission of little words (e.g. a, he, and) helps the meter for some lines, it doesn't make for healthy lines overall. For example in stanza 2 omitting the 'a' from the beginning of line 4 makes it sound like caveman speak to me.

In mother’s arms, he starts to see
the stage on which he plays.
Wide-eyed and free, begins to dream;
the crowds will come some day.

For want of part, he acts to fit,
a vapid Hamlet roams. This line is a bit weak as it doesn't tell me anything new. Why did you pick Hamlet in particular?
Green actors’ thirst, grows truculent
dull pang for greatness moans.

Transcending now, his show robust
gold words from Shakespeare’s kiss.
The crowds have come, fulfilled his lust
but head in hand he sits.

Same curtain falls, cries helplessly What is doing the crying here?
to be, or not to be.
In mother’s arms, he starts to see
to be, to be, to just be. I think it would improve the rhythm of this line if the final 'to' was deleted.

[LorettaYoung]

In mother’s arms, he starts to see
the stage on which he plays.
Wide-eyed and free, begins to dream;
the crowds will come some day.

For want of part, he acts to fit,
a vapid Hamlet roams.
Green actors’ thirst, grows truculent
dull pang for greatness moans.

Transcending now, his show robust         
gold words from Shakespeare’s kiss.
The crowds have come, fulfilled his lust
but head in hand he sits.

Same curtain falls, cries helplessly
to be, or not to be.
In mother’s arms, he starts to see
to be, to be, to just be.

This to me is an altogether well done poem, many well put lines. I have two minor points, "his show robust" would be considered and inversion, and the last line, to be, to be, just be sounds a bit better to me; probably just personal preference. There's a beauty to what you have said. Nice work. Loretta

[billy]

apart from the odd line at the end you nailed the meter. it's hard to do one about shakespeare or to use him as a mirror. i think you got just enough of him into it to work. the play on to be or not to... seems to work and i like 'a' vapid... it can be construed as just an actor in the part.

In mother’s arms, he starts to see
the stage on which he plays.
Wide-eyed and free, begins to dream;
the crowds will come some day.

For want of part, he acts to fit,
a vapid Hamlet roams.
Green actors’ thirst, grows truculent this could be said that many ways it holds me up, should it be grow?
dull pang for greatness moans. should it be a plural pangs....moan

Transcending now, his show robust
gold words from Shakespeare’s kiss.
The crowds have come, fulfilled his lust
but head in hand he sits.

Same curtain falls, cries helplessly would some curtain work better, or the curtain... [what is same curtain]
to be, or not to be.
In mother’s arms, he starts to see
to be, to be, to just be. no need for the last [to]

[Daroma]

In mother’s arms, he starts to see
the stage on which he plays.
Wide-eyed and free, begins to dream;
the crowds will come some day.
A very good piece of work, though I had to read more than once to get it all...probably me being slow-witted.

For want of part, he acts to fit,
a vapid Hamlet roams. I like the contrast between vapid and Hamlet
Green actors’ thirst, grows truculentIs this more than one actor (actors') or one person (actor's)? I thought we were talking about a single person here.
dull pang for greatness moans.

Transcending now, his show robust
gold words from Shakespeare’s kiss.nice image
The crowds have come, fulfilled his lust
but head in hand he sits.

Same curtain falls, cries helplesslywhich curtain...the word same implies we are returning to a curtain
to be, or not to be.
In mother’s arms, he starts to see
to be, to be, to just be. agree with everyone else here...no need for the last "to"

[summermoose]

Thank you all for the feedback. I had thought the last "to" would have been good to add emphasis in the last line - but it seems like it just ruined the rhythm instead. Helpful points!

[jasmine.m.wardiya]

Overall, this reads beautifully. Your rhymes are clever - not forced and your poem smoothly flows as well. The interplay between Shakespeare and something more innocent and more relevant to us as ordinary people is gorgeous brought out as well. The idea of playing on a stage, wanting attention - and then the grass is greener on the other side motif you wrap up with. Nice work!

I did find it a tad impersonal though - particularly the beginning, I thought would have come out more powerfully in first person. It's food for thought in any case - something to experiment with while editing. Also, there were a few places that did trip me up though:

[In mother’s arms, he starts to see] - mother reads almost like a name there, so I would suggest capitalising it.
[the crowds will come some day.] - in the interest of the rhyme, either this should be "days" or the one in line two "plays".

[Green actors’ thirst, grows truculent] - this line does feel a little forced.
dull pang for greatness moans.] - I keep on reading this as "dull pangs for greatness moan". I know it's probably the rhyme restriction there, but I honestly see no reason for "pang" to be singular.

[Transcending now, his show robust - very interesting (in a good way) place to put a line break)
gold words from Shakespeare’s kiss.]

[but head in hand he sits.] - there is a change in content, but I don't see a change in tone accompanying it like I expect. Why suddenly the "but" is what I think while reading this.

[to be, to be, to just be.] - extra syllable in this line if you're planning to stick to meter. I don't think you need the last "to" which would solve your problem.

I really enjoyed the little snippits of Shakespeare that snuck in (particularly the play of "to be or not to be" and Hamlet's ghost - one of my favourite characters), and you have some gorgeous word choices as well. "dull pang for greatness" is one I, for whatever reason, found particularly captivating.

Nice work, and good luck with editing!

[kwokfreya]

The general idea of the poem is clear, and I like your idea of using the line"To Be Or Not To Be" by Shakespeare, it immediately catches my attention. But I am not sure about the meaning of the line"Same curtain falls, cries helplessly"; however, I can imagine the picture of stanza 3 and I think it is a great work!

[summermoose]

Thanks for the feedback. The poem was not actually written with the idea of "be yourself" in mind. I will consider how that is coming across in my rewrites.

[nakedwonder]

this one got through by the skin of it's teeth, we need better feedback this we want to see the why's and hows of what you thought/mod

Great! I thought this was a very good poem. I thought the ending was particularly strong, a small twist on a very stale (from overuse!) phrase - to be or not to be ... Thanks for sharing!

[staciamberdawn]

In mother’s arms, he starts to see
the stage on which he plays.
Wide-eyed and free, begins to dream;
the crowds will come some day.

For want of part, he acts to fit,
a vapid Hamlet roams.
Green actors’ thirst, grows truculent
dull pang for greatness moans.

Transcending now, his show robust
gold words from Shakespeare’s kiss.
The crowds have come, fulfilled his lust
but head in hand he sits.

Same curtain falls, cries helplessly
to be, or not to be.
In mother’s arms, he starts to see
to be, to be, to just be.

Hello, I just wanted to chime and simply say that this was absolutely beautiful. A really good piece you have composed.
I personally have no criticism for you at the moment. But I thought congratulations was due!
Keep up the great work

[tectak]

In mother’s arms, he starts to see
the stage on which he plays.
Wide-eyed and free, begins to dream;
the crowds will come some day.

For want of part, he acts to fit,
a vapid Hamlet roams.
Green actors’ thirst, grows truculent
dull pang for greatness moans.

Transcending now, his show robust
gold words from Shakespeare’s kiss.
The crowds have come, fulfilled his lust
but head in hand he sits.

Same curtain falls, cries helplessly
to be, or not to be.
In mother’s arms, he starts to see
to be, to be, to just be.

Hello,
This is a piece crying out forTLC. Just a few carresses would be wonderful. In S1 you omit pronouns for meter instead of taking extra time to think it through...not that meter or rhyme is of overwhelming consequence. So:
Cradled in his mother's arms he sees
the stage on which he plays.
Wide eyed and free he dares to dream
that crowds will come some day.

Not perfect but illustrative. The next stanzas would stand the same fussing.Try it.
Good stuff,
best,
tectak

[jasmine+clovers]

Thank you for sharing. It's a very fresh use of the phrase "to be or not to be" which could run the risk of being cliche given it's notoriety. I like that in addition to the actor playing Hamlet and lusting for attention and notoriety, he is also quite manic like Hamlet himself. The use of the term "mother's arms" also helps with drawing those parallels. Well done!

[Sharramon]

Haha~ it's great that I came from a post explaining how perfect rhythm works and then I come to read a poem that's done it well... ahem... perfectly. A fan of Shakespeare I see! It seems like a play on 'All the World's a Stage' and you put in Hamlet in there probably because of the pained growth that Hamlet goes through. I like what you're trying to say with the poem!



I see that some people have told you that you've messed up the last line but if you did it to draw attention to the line that's pretty good. But it is a little too wrenching. Maybe you could try using softer sounds than t and j since that's probably what's making way too much emphasis come onto the break. Also, if I were to make a suggestion it would be to make the poem sound a lot more 'spiky'. You're using a lot of vowel sounds which isn't conveying the pain(?) of life or any confusion? What you're talking about is large and looming and it should wrench and rattle the reader at times, but it all just feels very smooth.

[Misanthrope]

Well constructed and thought out.  After reading all of the comments the only thing I agree with are the comments about the last line.  Whether you make it, 'to be, to be, just be"  "to be, to be, to be"  "to be, just be, just me"  or any form comparable.  It's obvious the change was intentional to make your statement, but I think the eloquence of the poem in its entirety is a statement enough.  I disagree with the rest of the comments.  It's clear this is the growth of one person from childhood dreams of being an actor(or his perceived 'part' in life) to the realization that his success brings him no happiness.   I'm not sure what the intended message for this was for you but I got two possibilities.  One being that everything he strove for(greatness in his part) left him blind to his mother(family or friends) that let him see this world of which he is now part.  Assuming that the curtain falling is a metaphor for death of the mother or something along those lines.  This would make him wish that he just content with just being instead of thinking that there are but two choices, 'to be' or 'not to be' at all.  With his loss he now sees the third option of just being.  The other of course being the age old, you only want what you don't have mentality.  After finally achieve his dreams, it brings him nothing but disappointment because he now has nothing to pursue.  Either way.  Beautifully written and I wouldn't change anything but the last line.  It, at least to me, has no ambiguities.