Shelf Life (Edit)

[calypist]

Shelf Life

Shelf life is magnificent
You never know who's gonna be next -
but it could be me.

(Which makes me "happy")

Shelf life is as ominous as ill-lit rooms
and ancient tombs
with far less walking,
which keeps me talking.

Shelf life
is finite
and I often dream
of leaving.


-MR-

[rayheinrich]

Emotivism

1 Shelf life is magnificent
2 You never know who's gonna to be next -
3 But it could be me.

4 (Which makes me "happy")

5 Shelf life is as ominous as ill-lit rooms,
6 and ancient tombs!
7 With far less walking...
8 ...which keeps me talking.

9 Shelf life
10 ...is as finite
11 ....as the real thing
12 ...and I often dream
13 of leaving.

Of course, I would have to look at more of your writing,
but as far as I tell right now, it's in the top 10% of the poems you'll
find on this site. There are people here who can help you get it into
the top 5%.

And of the poem: I love how you snatched it from the jaws of cliché!
Its phrasing, its topology, all those mechanics helped; but its cunning
irony's what won me over.

That said here are a few things that got my attention:

Why line 4?

While I like the line 5-6 rhyme, the 7-8 was a bit much.
Why is line 8 necessary?

The 'shelf life' metaphor is presented earlier as real life;
so why demote it in line 11? It breaks the poem's logical rhythm
which is its main strength.

Not rewriting so much as editing:

Shelf life
...is finite
...I often dream
of leaving.

or something like that, but you get the idea.

These are a fine few words.
I thank the gods of tersity for your existence.

[calypist]

I greatly appreciate you taking the time to review my work! I haven't felt so gratified in years! Thank you very, very much. I'm very, very glad that you liked it.

In response to some of the things you mentioned,

"Why line 4?"
Because It is meant to support the pitiful atmosphere of waiting around for something exciting to take you down from the shelf and buy you. I was trying to address how fragile the human psyche becomes when there's nothing powerful enough to distract it from having an Existential crisis. This game of random chance, sitting around with a big empty grin on your face waiting for someone or something to give you a sense of purpose, this is what makes the character happy. I guess it was supposed to be a dash of satire. Or perhaps absurdity.

"While I like the line 5-6 rhyme, the 7-8 was a bit much.
Why is line 8 necessary?"

Sitting around in this way requires minimal effort, and hence, the far less walking. The "which keeps me talking" is what happens when you cease to recognize the value of empiricism, and start reasoning to a fault. It is meant to be a pathetic, yet almost hilarious, justification for adopting this 'shelf life.'

"The 'shelf life' metaphor is presented earlier as real life;
so why demote it in line 11? It breaks the poem's logical rhythm
which is its main strength."

I'm actually having difficulty understanding precisely what you mean here, for I never intended the shelf-life metaphor to be presented as real life, and believe you may be on to something that I myself have missed, something very important that could help me further understand what I have created here.

My "Shelf life" is supposed to imply living a detached life, one that is not purpose driven, and by one who lacks the will to take the Existential responsibility to find purpose. It's like an artificial replication of ordinary life, hence the distinction. But I have a feeling that you interpreted it a different way that I might like better, so please do elaborate.

I apologize if me needing to clarify a few things came off as ungrateful or stubborn, I assure you this is not the case, I am just a big fan of sorting out ideas and communicating different views to try and find out more about the topic. I just really want to discuss it, and share my intentions, to see if that changes your views, or perhaps even reinforces them, so that my views might undergo a similar transformation.

Truly, deeply, I appreciate your review. It was absolutely a joy to read it, and to be critiqued. Thank you.

[rayheinrich]

"I apologize if me needing to clarify a few things came off as ungrateful or stubborn,"

It didn't come off that way at all. It was a quite thoughtful response.
Don't have much time at the moment, I hope to get back.
But until or if I don't:

1. I'll give you the line 4, but not 8.

2. Assuming that shelf life isn't real life seems a bit naive to me.
But real or not, I don't think the poem/author should make that assertion;
I think it's more interesting to leave that up to the reader.

[calypist]

" Assuming that shelf life isn't real life seems a bit naive to me."
Wow, that hit me like a tonne of bricks! I completely agree, you totally changed my perception there, thank you for that moment of clarity.

I don't know, I feel really attached to line 8, I feel like It's a really important line, but I guess I'll mull it over. Thank you for giving me something to think about.

Take care, I hope to hear your criticism on future work.

[ellajam]

Emotivism

Shelf life is magnificent
You never know who's gonna to be next -
But it could be me.

(Which makes me "happy")

Shelf life is as ominous as ill-lit rooms,
and ancient tombs!
With far less walking...
...which keeps me talking.

Shelf life
...is as finite
....as the real thing
...and I often dream
of leaving.

-MR-

Hi, welcome back. I took the poem as a celebration of our human limited lifespan. It's a view that puzzles many people, at least where i live. I had to look up the title and still am not sure it adds anything but that may just be a lack of comprehension on my part.

The exclamation point seemed odd in the middle of the sentence but made me read the lines with a sense of excitement which I enjoyed. I think you can skip the ellipsis on L8 but I took L7/8 to be less physical activity leading to more thought processing.

In the last five lines I think white space might work better than all those dots.

The rest of it I enjoyed as is. Thanks for posting this and good luck with it.

[Erthona]

As this seems more a poem about existential crisis than about meta-ethics, I'm not sure your title is much more than an attempt to impress people with your intellect, at least that how it appears to me. Regardless, there must be many titles that would better benefit your poem.

I cannot think of L8 "...which keeps me talking." as anything other than an ad hoc rhyme. It does not logically follow from what precedes it, therefore it has nothing to do with the continuity of the line. This is not to say that you do not see a connection, but you have not manifested that connection in what you have written.

As this is in novice, I will refrain from deeper analysis.

Welcome to the site,

Dale

[calypist]

Thank you all for your criticism, I think that my naming it what I did was not entirely done for the purpose of flaunting my intellect. I had reasons more at the time of writing the poem for naming it this, but I don't see the point in sitting around defending it when it simply doesn't seem to work for the audience, for It defeats the purpose of having an audience at all, and so I will change the name of the poem. I just didn't want to name it shelf life, I prefer not to name my poems after something I say in the poems, but maybe I need to get over that as well.

Ellajam, about the dots, I honestly couldn't figure out how to get white spaces to appear. After I clicked the review post button, my white spaces disappeared, so I decided that using dots would be the next best thing, but it was actually supposed to just be white spaces. I'm sort of technologically challenged in that way, can anyone actually tell me how to make the white spaces appear in the final draft? Maybe it only appears when I review the post, and not when I publish it?

Thank you both very much for the critique, I appreciate it, and it made me think about making some revisions.

[ellajam]

Thank you all for your criticism, I think that my naming it what I did was not entirely done for the purpose of flaunting my intellect. I had reasons more at the time of writing the poem for naming it this, but I don't see the point in sitting around defending it when it simply doesn't seem to work for the audience, for It defeats the purpose of having an audience at all, and so I will change the name of the poem. I just didn't want to name it shelf life, I prefer not to name my poems after something I say in the poems, but maybe I need to get over that as well.

Ellajam, about the dots, I honestly couldn't figure out how to get white spaces to appear. After I clicked the review post button, my white spaces disappeared, so I decided that using dots would be the next best thing, but it was actually supposed to just be white spaces. I'm sort of technologically challenged in that way, can anyone actually tell me how to make the white spaces appear in the final draft? Maybe it only appears when I review the post, and not when I publish it?

Thank you both very much for the critique, I appreciate it, and it made me think about making some revisions.

Here's a thread on indenting: http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-11421...light=code

A not as good but easy solution is also to make the dots white, there are 3 white dots before "indent".
... indent

[LorettaYoung]

Emotivism

Shelf life is magnificent  
You never know who's gonna to be next -I would break up this line to two: You never know, who will be nest, it could be me But is irrelevant here I think
But it could be me.

(Which makes me "happy")I think this line distracts

Shelf life is as ominous as ill-lit rooms, I would put a comma after as and the rest another line Perhaps more ominous that ill-lit since you speak of tombs later;
and ancient tombs!
With far less walking...I think the dots unnecessary, commas should be enough break for thought
...which keeps me talking. dots distracting as below lines as well 
shelf life
...is as finite
....as the real thing
...and I often dream
of leaving.

-MR-

Hi: Your poem reminds me of a cross between nihilism and existentialism and the metaphor is carried well through the poem. I have written a few suggestions above, although I am certainly NOT an expert, I hope I can be of help. Loretta

[first_high_of_the_day]

1. There's a nice voice to this poem. It's clear that you know what you're doing when it comes to how the poem sounds.

2. i found the line, "and ancient tombs!" to be quite awful. this line should be replaced with something totally new imo. it could be made to fit well, but i dont think its worth the consequences to the poem. And just to say i mentioned it, the use of your first exclamation mark on an already ill fitting line comes across as naive and does not reflect your ability as a writer. you could make it work by having it match a previous exclamation mark or with a better setup. but again. i think the whole line should really just be thrown out

3. your use of punctuation to direct the reader is 50/50.

for instance:

(Which makes me "happy")

The parentheses really help this line. The line simply wouldn't be the same without them.

However, the '...' in your last paragraph are completely pointless. The poem reads the same way without them. However with them you are breaking the fourth wall. Its a distraction to the reader.


4. "With far less walking..."
Where does this line come from? This is so, so forced. You need a better transition into it.

That's my feedback. Hope it helps.

[Bananadon]

Is this poem about life's uncertainty? To me it was an accurate depiction of the unbeknown, and the fact no body knows when they are going to die. Shelf life for food products is so rigid and predetermined, whereas we, as humans, are subject to death at every corner.
Some bits sound really bad. "You never know who's gunna to be next" ???? 'Going to' or just 'gunna'. Make your mind up. HAHA! overall I enjoyed the poem, as it struck a chord with my love of death.

[calypist]

Thank you all for your feedback, It helped a lot. I have made some of the revisions that were suggested which I most strongly agreed with. I hope it makes the poem more enjoyable for some of you.

-MR-

[shemthepenman]

Hello

Expiry Pending - sounds like a sitcom title (but, let's give it a try)

Shelf life is magnificent
You never know who's gonna be next -
But it could be me. - the only interesting thing about this is the phrase 'shelf life', which is itself cliche; remove it and it is just another 'life's a lottery' poem: it could be you! It just sounds like pub philosophy, or even worse Gump philosophy, and Gump worded.

(Which makes me "happy") - out of the blue thought, that probably makes sense in your head, but to anyone else reading it is a non sequitur)


Shelf life is as ominous as ill-lit rooms - Shelf life, in this line sounds like a boyband.
and ancient tombs - why?
With far less walking,
which keeps me talking. - I kinda like these two lines, even though I the first two lines are shite. There is some connection between moving and expression that is interesting.

Shelf life
is finite
and I often dream
of leaving. - oh, it is a suicide emo poem. Or at least that is what the last two lines read like. I cannot stress enough, to anyone pissing and moaning about life, kill your self, kill yourself now... that's why I got sacked from the samaritans


-MR-

Have you ever seen a film called Chungking Express... the shelf life theme in that film is great.

[calypist]

That was a bit too aggressive to be constructive. But I'm glad you took the time to read it.

[rayheinrich]

I'm quite fond of the result (even though you kept that damn line 8).
Of course, this is mostly because I liked it pretty much as it was when
you first posted it. Maybe you should just go all the way and name it
"Shelf Life".

ray

P.S. And there it is, the mettlesome heart of PigPen!

"Attempting honesty is a dazzlingly heroic way of revealing you're an idiot,
of exposing all those absurd prejudices you hadn't realized you'd been hiding.
There is no more that can be asked of a critic; or, more importantly, a writer."
- Margaret Atwood

[calypist]

Well thanks Ray, I'm glad you came back and took the time to say those kind words.

Yes, I truly feel like a part of the family now. It didn't seem right, getting all of those mature, constructive reviews one after the other. Now I feel at ease with the balance of nature.

-MR-

[rayheinrich]

Well thanks Ray, I'm glad you came back and took the time to say those kind words.

Yes, I truly feel like a part of the family now. It didn't seem right, getting all of those mature, constructive reviews one after the other. Now I feel at ease with the balance of nature.

-MR-

Would prefer 'effulgently literate words' or 'the eruditeness of your words quite trouncingly transcends
ultimateness', but will take 'kind', 'mostly harmless', or 'well-intentioned' any day.

The day you truly feel 'at ease with the balance of nature' is the day you die.
Hopefully this reaches you in time.

If it does, I look forward to the next of your scrimpily profoundish poems.
("The wordbloatness of this site needs to be countered", he said humbly.) (Comma on outside on purpose.)

As sincere as always,
ray

[shemthepenman]

hello,


I spent ages writing this big long reply, then my web browser crashed and lost it all :/

Ok, yeah, it was a bit aggressive, wasn't it. And basically a crap critique. I'm not usually like that (the aggressive part anyway - my crap critiques are ten a penny), must have been in a mood (misery enjoys company and all that). However, I am certain if you read between the lines of mean spirited sarcasm I think you could take some small something constructive from my critique.

But anyhow, I am truly sorry. and to make amends, I will give your poem a better crit and the respect it deserves. To err is human... so... er...

Shelf Life - this is a good title which simplifies but still remains interesting. I think, somewhere, you said you didn't like using first lines for titles, but I have found sometimes it is a good thing. Dylan Thomas almost always gave his poems titles of the first line, which I didn't really like at first, until I realised how great his first lines were

Shelf life is magnificent - This is a strong opening.
You never know who's gonna be next -
But it could be me. - 'but' need not be upper cased. and I think 'but' could be cut entirely. These lines sound a bit lazy if not cliche.

(Which makes me "happy") - I have read your explanation for this, and it makes sense and is actually a nice idea. It also isn't as cryptic as it first appeared, only minimal amount of concentration required


Shelf life is as ominous as ill-lit rooms
and ancient tombs - yeah, these lines are good. We have the very strong connection between fear of the unkown, death and shelf life.
With far less walking,
which keeps me talking. - 'With' need not be capitalised. These lines do have something about them, but unfortunately they do not hang together with the previous lines. I mean if we cancel down we get, 'shelf life is as ominous as ill-lit rooms... with far less walking' or cancelling down even further 'shelf life is... ominous... with... less walking'. There seems to be something logically wrong with it, and with such an abstract poem those kind of things can be distracting.

Shelf life
is finite
and I often dream
of leaving. - yeah, nice ending.

-MR-

I still recommend giving Chungking Express a watch if you haven't seen it, it deals quite nicely with issues of expirey dates etc.

That was a bit too aggressive to be constructive. But I'm glad you took the time to read it.

[calypist]

That was really cool of you, thanks for making the effort to alter your paradigm. I really appreciated that.

Your right, 'but' doesn't need to be capitalized, nor 'with.' I will fix that.

I will look into Chungking Express. Thank you for your review, I appreciate it.

-MR-